Complications Happen
by Stuck Smitten Love Story
Summary: Possible conclusion to the Afghanistan story and the complications that have been hinted at. I have no idea what will happen and pretty sure I am 100% wrong, so you could classify this as an AU. The team rush to Kensi's aid in Afghanistan and what they discover is something that sends Deeks's world tumbling down around him. After the mission is over Deeks is hurt and angry.
1. Chapter 1

**I just want to send a huge thanks to Shelly (TinkerBella7) who has helped me during the writing of this story. She has supported me completely and encouraged me every day to keep going. Thanks Shelly xxx**

**Disclaimer I Do not own NCISLA or its characters**

Chapter 1

The cold air was seeping through his clothes as he lay on the side of the hill. He moved his shoulders slightly, trying to get some warmth into them but it wasn't working. He wasn't sure how long they had been lying on the cold earth, waiting, watching intently for any sign of movement, human or otherwise. He looked over to his right quickly at his friends lying in the same position as he was, before returning his trained eye to his quarry. Sam was next to him, his eyes trained on the cave opening as the light was fading fast. Soon they would be blinded by the dark and Deeks was worried they would miss any movement. Callen lay on the other side of Sam, watching in the direction of the road coming into the valley. Between the three of them they had all access points covered.

"Man it's cold," Deeks whispered into the semi darkness, more to himself than anyone else.

"Stop your complaining Deeks," Sam whispered back to him.

"What? I'm from California," he countered. "It's never this cold there." It was the first time he had said anything so he didn't know where Sam's comment came from.

"Focus Deeks. We're here for Kensi," Callen hissed.

Deeks shook his head in disbelief biting his bottom lip. Did Callen really think he had forgotten that they were there to rescue Kensi? It was the thing that was uppermost in his mind. Just the thought of her being in trouble, in danger, filled him with fear to bring on a cold sweat. The thought of Callen not thinking he was focused burned him inside. He would do anything for Kensi and they knew it.

The call came late Friday. Equivalent to an officer in distress call, only this time from the other side of the world. Granger had contacted Hetty to tell her Kensi had been taken prisoner by the person they thought was White Ghost and that they needed assistance. She was stony faced when she called the team together to tell them the news. This had rocked her as much as anyone as she stood holding on to the table for support as she spoke. She knew how dangerous the White Ghost was.

Deeks remembered how he felt when Hetty had told the team the news with new instructions for the mission in Afghanistan. Anger surfaced uncontrollably when he looked down at Hetty and he didn't care if she saw it in his eyes. She had been the one to send Kensi on this dangerous mission, yet she was always telling him she was fine. He should have known better to believe that. He knew what fine meant, and if he were truthful he knew she was never safe. Not a day went by that he wasn't worried about Kensi. As irrational as it may be, he blamed Hetty. He had to have someone to blame or he would feel hopeless. If Hetty knew how he felt, she never let on to him, but she had been tenser of late. That didn't instil any confidence in Deeks

The anger was soon replaced by fear. What they were hearing was terrifying him and he couldn't see a way out for Kensi. When he heard what had happened to the previous sniper, he thought his heart had stopped beating and his breath caught in his throat. No, this couldn't happen to Kensi, his Kensi. This man was a maniac and he now had Kensi captive! He felt paralysed until Sam had come to his side and he let go of the breath he didn't know he had been holding.

"Deeks, you okay," he asked putting his hand on his shoulder protectively.

"Yeah, I'm fine," he answered him before looking up into his eyes. "You know what? No, I'm not fine. I am scared stiff that something has happened to Kensi and I don't know…" his voice broke. "I don't know what… whay I would do if anything happened to her," he finished off weakly.

"It's going to be okay. We will make sure of it."

"You can't promise that Sam," Deeks said, his eyes not wanting to look at the big man who had become a close friend in Kensi's absence.

"No, I probably can't. But she will have a better chance with us there to help her than being alone and relying on strangers to rescue her." Sam answered him shooting a look in Hetty's direction.

Sam and Deeks had spent many a night sharing a beer wondering about the folly of the mission that Kensi had been sent to. It should have been the team in their opinion, but Granger was involved. None of the team had any confidence in Granger and again it seemed as though he had failed one of his agents. Deeks knew what Sam was referring to and mentally listed that he would one day have words to Granger. Those words would not be flattering. He knew once he started he wouldn't stop. It was only the fact that he valued this job so much that he hadn't already said his peace.

When Hetty had finished talking the team sprang into action, it was what they did, but as much as Deeks tried, during the trip to Afghanistan, his mind wandered. Kensi filled his soul and he knew, deep within, that she was still alive. For how long, he didn't know and he prayed they would get to her in time. But right now he knew she was still alive. Sam had suggested he get some sleep on the flight but it was difficult, coming in short spurts before Jumping awake in a sweat of fear before trying to calm himself down again with happier thoughts of Kensi before trying to get back to sleep again.

And now, 2 days later they were perched on the top of a small cold, wet hill staring down at a makeshift headquarters for the White Ghost and his followers, and Deeks still hadn't had a lot of sleep. He was tired but he knew he had to carry on, for Kensi's sake. He wanted to be with her so bad. They had seen no movement, no sign of life in the hours they had been there and Deeks was beginning to worry. No movement seemed like an ominous sign to him. He looked again at Callen and Sam and saw the worry etched on their faces too. This wasn't going as planned.

As if reading Deeks's thoughts Callen spoke. "We need a new plan."

"What are you thinking G?" Sam asked in hushed tones.

He lifted his hands in surrender. "We are going to have to go in."

"That's crazy," Deeks piped up probably a little louder than he should have. He lowered his voice before continuing. "We don't know how many people are in there, what the layout is, what sort of weapons they have, where Kensi is." He was shaking his head as he spoke and as he said Kensi's name he felt his heart miss a beat.

"We've gone into situations like this before."

"Yeah, but not when Kensi's life was in danger," Deeks pleaded. His heart dropped again as he voiced his opinion. Verbalising the consequences of something going wrong made it feel so much more real.

"Deeks, we have to do something. Nothing has happened here since well before we got here. The marines on the other side of the hill there have seen nothing, and neither have we. They might not even be in there anymore. This guy is cunning and elusive."

"And they have Kensi," Deeks whispered defeatedly. "They saw him take her in there."

"Maybe there is a tunnel."

"And maybe it's a trap?"

"So what do you think we should do Deeks?" Callen was getting angry, not so much at Deeks but at the hopelessness they were facing. "Should we just sit here and wait. The longer we wait the more time that animal has with Kensi. Is that what you want?"

"God no," Deeks cried, the blood draining from his body at the thought. Callen was right, they had to do something. Storming the cave didn't seem like that something though, but Deeks couldn't think of any other plan. He wasn't skilled in war combat. This was not the streets of LA. So he listened as Callen and the team on the other side of the hill made a plan.

That plan involved a stealthy invasion of the cave under the cover of darkness. Deeks was glad the moon was hidden behind the clouds tonight, making sure no scout could detect their assault on the cave. Deeks had been right, the cave was filled with tunnels and he began to fill with trepidation. It was dark and they didn't dare use any lights. It was pitch black inside and they used their instincts to follow the track. Their instincts panned out when they began to hear voices and a soft glow of firelight began to build. The three men looked at each other and nodded. Surprise was the element they had at their advantage. The second team was right behind them.

They rounded the corner and gunfire began immediately. Subconsciously Deeks searched for Kensi. That had been his task in this part of the mission, one he greatly accepted. She was nowhere to be seen as the shots fired around them. Taking cover was difficult in a cave and the three men had each other's backs as the remaining men in the second team entered.

Then Callen and Sam ran towards another tunnel after the shooters leaving Deeks. He panicked when he realised he was alone. A shot rang out clearing his head by mere inches and he turned to return fire only to stop dead in his tracks.

"Kensi!" he screamed.

A man held her as a hostage, gun pointed at her head. Images of the last time he had been in this situation came flooding back to him. That time he refused to take the shot because he was worried he would injure Kensi. Kensi had been so mad at him that day for not taking the shot she had punched him in the jaw. He moved his jaw instinctively at the memory never taking his eyes off the man holding her. This had to be the White Ghost. This time the only thing he could think of was he HAD to take the shot to save Kensi. He would do anything for her.

He lifted his gun and took aim.

"Deeks! Kensi screamed. "Deeks don't. It's Jack!"


	2. Chapter 2

Deeks's was in shock when he heard Kenis's words. It's Jack and she didn't want him to shoot. Was she crazy, the man, whoever he was, was threatening Kensi's life. He would do anything to save her.

Just seeing her again had him in all sorts of bother. Callen's words came to mind, _Focus Deeks _and he shook his head mentally to gather his thoughts. Deeks wanted to run to her, to hold her in his arms. It had been 4 months since he had seen her and she was a vision to his eyes. She looked slightly thinner and the desert climate had not been kind but to him there was no more beautiful a site before him. Her hands were tied behind her back and she stumbled as the man dragged her into the middle of the room. The most overpowering thing though was her eyes pleading with him.

"So this is the one who has replaced me in your life," came a nasty drawl from the man Kensi had indicated as Jack. "Deeks is it? Of course I have heard all about you. My sources did well."

Deeks was still floundering, not understanding what was happening before his eyes. He knew about him? How was that possible, he thought. Then he remembered Hetty telling them there had been a mole. In the distance he could hear gunfire echoing through the cave but his eyes were trained only on the pair before him, his gun aimed at the man Kensi called Jack.

Jack was tall like Deeks was, but that was where the similarities between them ended. Jack was dark haired and had a dark tan. Almost black eyes scanned Deeks menacingly. His dark hair was cut short, and even in this uncivilised lifestyle in a cave in the middle of nowhere, Jack was clean shaven. He looked like he should have been wearing a suit, not desert attire.

"Deeks, please, don't shoot." Kensi repeated softly to him, begging him to leave Jack alone.

"Kensi, what are you saying? He is holding you at gunpoint."

"Deeks its Jack," Kensi said as if it explained everything. Truth be told, because it was Jack made Deeks want to shoot him even more, not less. His finger on the trigger itched to shoot. He was the man responsible for so many of the walls Kensi had so carefully and skilfully built up around herself, making all relationships so difficult for her.

"I know who you said it was, but he is the man we've been hunting." He looked questioningly at Kensi catching her eye but the silent communication they were so good at was missing. He couldn't read her thoughts for once.

"You've been hunting a long time, haven't you?" Jack sneered.

Deeks let out an ironic laugh and cocked his head to one side. "Me? Not so much, but yeah, I guess they have." Deeks indicated in the direction of the gunfire still echoing through the caves.

"So Kensi," Jack said roughly into her ear and Deeks saw her flinch, making his blood boil. How dare he treat her like that. "You didn't answer me. Is this my replacement?"

Deeks could see Kensi was shaken, clearly Jack was not a pleasant captor yet still she wanted him to stay alive. "That would be me," Deeks answered for her.

"Kensi, Kensi, Kensi, Couldn't you have done better than this shaggy haired beach bum. What would your dad have said? He would have been awfully disappointed," Jack taunted. Kensi gave no response to the words physically or verbally.

Anger flared in Deeks. He waited for Kensi to defend him in some way but it never came. All she could say was a weak "Please, don't shoot him Deeks." His heart plummeted again.

Deeks blinked and shook his head, the movement giving Jack a moment to catch Deeks off guard, He threw Kensi to the side and charged at Deeks. Deeks dropped his gun in the sudden impact and the two men were locked in a battle. Trying to reach for his gun was out of the question as Jack punched his fist into Deeks's face repeatedly before Deeks had the chance to defend himself. He returned the punches knocking Jack back but he recovered and returned to Deeks throwing more punches and kicks his way. The man was a skilled fighter.

Deeks held his own and on numerous occasions he was close to reaching his gun. Then he remembered Kensi's knife. Without drawing attention to what he was doing Deeks reached into the pocket in the leg of his pants to get the knife. As his fingers curled around the knife's handle another punch hit him square in the jaw and he spun around as pain seared through him. His jaw still gave him grief even after all the time had passed since Sidarov had tortured him.

Deeks lashed out with the knife, cutting Jack across the shoulder making him stumble back, his green shirt instantly soaking in his blood.

"You're going to pay for that blondie," Jack sneered and reached out to roughly take Kensi in his arm again. In his pocket he reached for another gun and held it to Kensi's head. "You can watch her die for doing that to me."

"Nooooooooooooo," Deeks screamed. He took aim and threw the knife in Jack and Kensi's direction, hitting Jack in the hand in a perfectly directed shot, missing Kensi by inches. The hit was enough to distract Jack for a moment giving Deeks the time to retrieve his gun and in one swift movement he aimed and took a shot at Jack's head as Kensi cried out, "NO DEEKS!"

Jack fell to the ground, instantly dead. Kensi's eyes widened in horror and Deeks raced over to hold her in his arms.

"Don't!" she screamed, moving away from him. "Cut me loose."

Deeks cut her loose expecting her to jump into his arms but she crouched down and took Jack into her arms, oblivious to the blood beginning to soak onto her clothes.

"I'm sorry Jack. I'm so sorry." She cried out as she began rocking Jack back and forth in her arms oblivious to anything else. Tears were beginning to drop from her watery eyes and run down her dusty cheek. She swiped at them and the mixture of desert dust and tears stained her face.

"Kensi," Deeks whispered, his forehead creased into a frown of confusion.

She looked up at him and the venom in her eyes stunned Deeks, making him stumble back a few steps. He shook his head as if to clear it. Maybe once it was cleared this would all make sense. He was tired after all.

"You killed him. You killed Jack. He was coming around, I was talking him into giving himself up." She accused.

"He was going to kill you Kensi." Deeks screeched. He didn't even recognise his own voice. "There's no doubt he was going to kill you. I wasn't going to let him do that. Of course I killed him."

"He wouldn't have," she cried, looking down at his body. "I know he wouldn't have. If he wanted to kill me he would have long before now."

"He was trying to kill me. Doesn't that matter?" Deeks said almost in a whisper now. He felt defeated, like there was nothing he could do to fix this. He tried to comfort her but she shrugged him away.

Kensi didn't answer him and he felt his soul shattering into a million pieces. He walked to the other side of the cave and collapsed to the floor leaning against the cave wall, wrapping his arms around his knees, his gun still in his hand. He closed his eyes and his head dropped to his knees as he felt what he suspected was his heart breaking, He always thought something on the job might come between them but he never thought it would be this.

He never thought it would hurt so much.

He lifted his eyes to see Kensi still holding Jack's body, tears running down her cheeks. It was all it took for Deeks to break. He was exhausted and he had missed Kensi more than anything yet the sight of her cradling another mans body felt like the end of him. He closed his eyes to try and block everything out. That was how Callen and Sam found them.

They came bursting into the small room of the cave where they had heard the gunshot coming from. The sight that greeted them was hardly what they had expected to find, with Deeks crouched down in one corner and Kensi in the other holding on to a man with tears streaming down her face. Callen looked at the two of them and then at Sam. He nodded at Sam to take care of Deeks, and he went to Kensi.

"Deeks." Sam said quietly. "Deeks," a little firmer. Deeks looked up at Sam, a confused look in his eyes. "What happened?"

"I killed… I killed him. And…." He didn't know what to say. It should have been mission accomplished but it wasn't.

"Focus Deeks." It seemed to be everyone's mantra tonight.

Deeks frowned. As hurt as he felt, his job was not over. He picked himself up and looked at Sam. "It's the White Ghost. He had Kensi hostage. We fought, I shot him, simple."

"It doesn't look like it was all that simple."

"He was going to shoot her. I had no option," Deeks told him. It was like he was trying to rationalise what he had done.

"Hey, you don't have to explain that to me. You did the right thing," Sam told him. "The mission was to rescue Kensi AND kill White Ghost."

Deeks nodded his thanks. The words wouldn't come out and he closed his eyes shut tight to try and escape the feelings rushing through him. All he wanted was to take Kensi into his arms and hold her tight, kiss her and tell her everything would be alright. He wanted to feel her in his arms, touch her, smooth back her hair, wipe away her tears and celebrate every single caress he gave her. She was his world and after all the time he had spent apart, he was now aching for her.

"Why aren't you with Kensi," Sam asked softly, clearly confused.

Deeks pressed his lips together and shook his head in confusion. "She doesn't want me there."

"What?" Now Sam was shaking his head.

"She told me not to shoot him."

"Like you had a choice."

"I didn't." He looked at Sam again and without warning anger suddenly surged within him, "Damn it. I saved her life. Doesn't matter that it was Jack. He was going to kill her. Does she think for a second I was going to let him do that?"

Sam pulled Deeks in for a hug and Deeks dropped his head onto his shoulder. Sam could feel him shaking and he wasn't sure if it was simply the adrenaline rush he would now be feeling or if he was actually crying. He knew how much Kensi meant to him and for her to reject him like this had to hurt. "Give her some time. This has been traumatic for her too, you know."

Slowly Deeks straightened up and shook his head. "I've gotta get out of here." His head was moving around, taking in all his surroundings. He looked up to try and stop the tears he felt forming in his eyes without much success.

He turned to walk out only to walk over to where Kensi's knife lay on the ground. Picking it up he looked down at it, covered in blood, knowing the item had probably saved both their lives. He looked at her held in Callen's arms. He felt as if the knife he was holding was sliding straight into his own heart as he watched her. It should have been him holding her, comforting her. He was the one who loved her. Why was she doing this to him? He slid the knife back into his pocket.

He couldn't take the rejection for another moment and walked out of the cave hoping he was walking down the right tunnel as he left, but not really caring if he got lost in the caves forever. Kensi was with Callen and Sam, she was safe. He wanted it to be him that she was with but she didn't want him. The knife in his gut twisted a little more with every step he took away from her. Would they ever be able to get through this? He honestly didn't know anymore.


	3. Chapter 3

Three weeks had passed since that night in Afghanistan. His memories of that night were blurry, but parts were so very vivid it was as if he could see them acted out in front of him.

He vaguely remembers the noise, the gunfire, the yelling. Cold weather, long bumpy rides in the back of the hummer where Kensi sat as far away from him as possible. But he vividly remembers Kensi. Her eyes when she had first seen him were terrified. Was it him she was terrified of or Jack? He really didn't know. He remembers her scream, first not to kill Jack and then the blood curdling scream when he did kill him. His memory so vivid he sometimes had to cover his ears just while recalling the screams. If he closed his eyes now he would see her so clearly on that night, he was sure he could reach out and touch her. Not that she would have wanted him to, he thought, and felt the familiar stab in his heart. He shivered at the memory. He also clearly remembers the flight back home. He didn't sleep a wink and spoke to no one, staring ahead, his mind spinning out of control with thoughts which were all bad. He had chosen to sit as far away from everyone as was possible.

It was there that he sat, alone, completely broken.

Three weeks had passed. Three weeks that Deeks had tormented himself about what he had done and how it had affected Kensi. No matter how many times he thought about it, thought about how things could have gone differently, he always came to the same conclusion. His actions were THE only ones he could have taken. If he hadn't, both he and Kensi would now be dead and Jack would be free to terrorise the world with his twisted ideas and plots. He shuddered at the thought.

Deeks had learnt about Jack and his evil ways once they had returned home and the team, minus Kensi, had been debriefed. Kensi had her own debrief she was required to attend seeing she had been in Afghanistan the entire long harrowing mission. And then she had some time off to recover from the repercussions of the mission. Learning of the terror Jack had planned and had already executed, Deeks again knew he had done the only thing possible.

Three weeks had passed since he had seen Kensi. She had been away for 4 months prior to that night, but the past three weeks felt even worse than when she had been away. She was so close now but still absent. Despite how he felt, despite her pushing him away, he still longed to see her. He wanted her in his life yet he didn't know how to make that happen and if it ever would. Having her in LA and not with him made him miss her more than before. So much more.

He tried to reach Kensi every day since they returned. Despite feeling let down by Kensi's behaviour on the night when Deeks had shot Jack, he still cared about her deeply. It was the reason he felt so let down, so hurt by her actions. He would do anything for her, and he proved it that night, yet she had rejected him, again.

He understood how she felt, he really did. This was Jack after all, the man she had once been engaged to, and he hated to admit it, but the man she had loved. But at the same time, it wasn't Jack, it wasn't the same man she was engaged to. This Jack was evil and a killer, a terrorist who would have stopped at nothing to execute his evil plot. He was not to be trusted. Deeks was the one who she should have trusted. He always had her back and damn it he had proven it that night. Her rejection hurt him more than he would ever admit to anyone.

He thought about these things day in and day out, playing out the scene in his mind. Backwards and forwards his thoughts went until he thought he would go completely crazy. It was affecting his sleep, his appetite, his ability to focus. He felt on the edge of the precipice, in danger of falling off into that dark world he had been in not so long ago. He wondered if he had ever or would ever truly rid himself of that dark side of his life that threatened to consume him if he didn't work super hard to keep it at bay. He'd thought Kensi was the one ray of light to help him get through it all but in one violent moment three weeks ago, that thought was shattered.

Three weeks. It was the longest three weeks of his life.

"I wonder if she will be at work today Monty," Deeks said to his loyal companion as they sat on the beach early one day after a morning surf. The beach would always clear his head and it was the only place he found solace but since that day it had only partly done its job. He still loved the beach, but while surfing and relaxing, these days his head filled with thoughts instead of being clear. He looked down at Monty, his only true friend who gave him unconditional love. "She's due to come back you know," he said to the pooch. Monty whined, looking up at Deeks with soulful eyes. "Yeah, I know, you miss her. So do I buddy. So do I."

Deeks persisted in trying to contact Kensi every day since their return, most times more than once. Okay, continuously he realised, but not once was his call picked up. He had flash backs to when he was going through a similar time in his life and he would not pick up her calls. He knew now it was the wrong thing to do, so he called around to her place, knocked on the door, looked through windows and eventually using his key to get into her house. He wanted to push himself into her life like no one had done for him. He knew now that it would help recovery a little faster than trying to do it alone. But no one had really pushed to help him and he wanted to make sure Kensi didn't go through the same. He was stunned to find her place empty, no sign of her having even been in her house since returning home. Again he felt his heart plummet.

This was not the way he had envisaged her return home to go at all. He had imagined he would be waiting for her at the airport and the moment he saw her he would run towards her and take her in his arms and just hold her like he was never ever going to let her go. And then he would kiss her, softly at first but he knew it would have gotten out of control and he wouldn't have cared less who would be watching. He would kiss her like they were the only ones in the room, passionately and lovingly. Many a night as he lay in bed alone he would imagine that scene and he would crave to have her in his bed beside him. But it never eventuated and the way things were right now he didn't believe it ever would again. As much as he loved her, as much as he knew what she was going through, he was feeling hurt. He was tired of being the one to always jump through hoops to make things work. It exhausted him.

He still loved her, he knew he always would, but right now he didn't like her very much.

But God damn he wanted her back, the Kensi he had lost.

"Come on buddy, we have to get back or I am going to be late for work. It's all I would need to have Hetty on my case right now. It's tough enough as it is. We'll have some breakfast then I gotta go and you can have your doggie party or whatever it is you do all day long every day. Hmm, knowing you though, you probably just sleep." Monty wagged his tail and ran up the sand towards the car. "You're one smart dog Monty," Deeks laughed, one of few laughs he had had lately. Funny thing, it was only with Monty that he did laugh. Everything and everyone else made him feel depressed. He wondered if life would ever be fun again.

On the short drive home he chatted to Monty. His favourite pal kept him sane at a time when he didn't feel very sane. Back at home Deeks started making breakfast, subconsciously going through the motions as his mind wandered again. As he cooked he looked round his apartment. He was hit with a sudden pang of longing when his mind went back to the last time Kensi was in his apartment. It was the night they had made love for the very first time after a very awkward date, if you could call it a date.

He hadn't asked her on a date specifically and she had called him out on it. He had decided on the spur of the moment that he was going to be honest with her and tell her how much he wanted her. He could hardly believe it when she got up from the table so they could do just that. His eyes moved slowly to the open door of his bedroom as he remembered the night they spent together making slow sweet love. He would go so far as saying it was the best night in his life ever. He'd shown Kensi how much she means to him and she had shown him.

The next day they had promised one another they would work it all out until that unforseen day with a crazy case with knives and thumb drives and Ghurkhas before Kensi was stolen away from him without so much as a goodbye. He was one hundred percent positive If she never had gone, if she had stayed home in LA, they wouldn't be in this situation right now, they would be together, a couple. Again he blamed Hetty.

His appetite now totally gone, he looked down at his eggs in the frypan making his stomach roll. Too many times over the last three weeks this had happened, and even in the preceding four months. The thought of food turned his stomach and he popped the eggs in Monty's bowl. "At least you are eating well Monty. I think you are getting a little fat." No wonder with all the extra food he was getting that he would cook and suddenly not feel like eating. Problem was, he was getting thinner.

He grabbed his gear from his bedroom and after a quick check got ready to leave. It used to be his haven but it wasn't anymore. Monty looked up from his additional breakfast and whined as he opened the door. "I'll be back Monty. Don't you worry, you are all I have at the moment."

The drive to work was done by memory as it was so often these days. Work helped him get by but he didn't know if his heart was in it anymore. It was hard for him to be around Callen and Sam these days too. They both seemed to understand what he was feeling, going so far as to say they thought Kensi had been blinded on that day and wrong and she would come around. But they loved Kensi too, so they gave her plenty of leeway making Deeks feel rejected again, even if he wasn't being rejected.

He didn't think anyone would ever expect to understand what he was feeling. So much so he had gone to seek help again. He couldn't see Nate so he chose another doctor that the LAPD often used. That had turned out to be a waste of time seeing he couldn't reveal anything from the classified mission and what he could tell him, had made him sound like a spoilt teenager. He gave up on that idea. There was no one else he felt he could see but Nate, and Deeks was pretty sure he was seeing Kensi, so that was out of the question.

"Good Morning," Deeks said as he walked into the Bullpen. The familiar surroundings made him feel somewhat better.

"Good Morning Deeks," came the all too familiar voice that he loved so much. It was far too cheerful.

He stopped dead in his tracks, his heart pounding uncontrollably. "Kensi!" he whispered. "How are you," Deeks asked.

She gave a weak smile "I'm good. Are you good?" She was acting like nothing had happened in the last 5 months, as if everything was like it was before. She angled her head to look at him defiantly.

It felt like a challenge. "Yeah. I'm good," he said to her putting his bag down on his desk and taking his seat. He watched her intently, taking note of the dark circles under her eyes. So she wasn't sleeping. He knew how that felt seeing he wasn't getting a whole lot himself.

"You look like you've seen a ghost," Kensi said with a hint of mischievousness in her voice, almost cheerfully. He didn't understand what she was doing.

"Well I just didn't expect to see you today." This was more difficult than he had imagined it would be. He thought she would come back angry, but she was acting like everything was the same as before she left. Actually, she was acting like they used to, before that amazing night at his place. Before they both agreed they had a 'thing'. He bit his bottom lip to stop himself saying something he would regret.

"Hetty didn't tell you I was coming back in today?"

"No," Deeks said looking in the direction they would usually find Hetty. She was missing and he felt the familiar rush of anger. "She didn't," he added bluntly.

The two senior agents watched the interaction with interest, giving each other a nod as the conversation continued painfully. Deeks had no idea that they both empathised with him. They had seen how much he had missed Kensi while she was gone, how it affected him and how worried he had been when they had been called in for the rescue mission. They knew what Kensi meant to the detective. They had also seen how much he had stepped up his game while she was away, doing his work admirably. Kensi would be unaware of the fact that the three men had become very close while she was away.

"Welcome back Kensi. You've been missed." Callen finally said, for which Deeks was thankful. He didn't know if he could continue with the false niceties.

She turned to look at Callen. "Thanks Callen, it's great to be back. I missed you guys too."

"Welcome back Kensi," Sam said to her smiling.

"Thanks Sam." She nodded at him then realised his eyes had gone back to Deeks with concern. She frowned. Since when did Sam look out for Deeks?

"Yeah, welcome back," Deeks muttered looking down at his desk as he did so. He realised he hadn't said it and thought he should, even if it didn't sound genuine. He didn't see it, but Kensi was surprised at his demeanour. Her frown remained.

"Thanks," she grunted and got up from her desk. Without another word she walked out heading towards the armoury.

Deeks made to follow her and Sam stopped him. "Let her go Deeks. It's hard for her too."

Deeks screwed up his face in disbelief and turned on his co worked. "How can you say that? Do you know how she's made me feel for the past three weeks?"

"Yes Deeks, we do. But she has to work this out in her head. You have to work it out too. You have to work it out together." He paused and took a breath, studying the man sitting next to him in an agitated state. "You need to give it time."

Deeks shook his head. It was good advice but it was hard to take. "Man, I don't know if I can."

"So what are you saying Deeks. You can't work with her anymore, or you can't work here anymore?" Callen spoke up finally. Deeks looked at him and what he first thought was Callen attacking him was actually Callen supporting him.

"I don't know." Was all he could answer and it reminded him again of the time he didn't know where his future here lay. The time after his torture when he had told Kensi he needed to get away from everything, before opening up to her and in his own way told her she was the one who saved his life. He knew then that he couldn't walk away. He needed Kensi, however she was. He looked at Callen. "Honestly Callen, I don't know. Look at her, she seems to be ready, but there seems to be some underlying issue. But I can't leave her. I can't."

"Yeah, well, we know what those issues are and I don't know if she has dealt with them properly yet. But Nate wouldn't have cleared her if she wasn't ready." He went back to his paperwork before looking up again. "Keep an eye on her and let me know how it's going."

Deeks nodded. He knew he would take care of her even if he was hurting. If anything ever happened to her because he had neglected her, he would never forgive himself. He would always have her back, always. He felt like there was a ping pong game going on in his head, constantly back and forth. He was hurt and angry with her, but he loved her with his every being at the same time. It was exhausting.

"But what about you Deeks Are you okay? Can you get through this?" Callen continued. "We do know how you feel about Kensi."

Deeks smiled sadly. He had never been able to keep his feelings about Kensi hidden from anybody after that night. He had driven everyone crazy with his missing her and he made no secret of their relationship. Well, he'd tried but it didn't work. What would be the point anyway, they would see it when she returned. But it hadn't worked out that way and now they all knew how he felt and there was no relationship to speak of. "Yeah, a broken heart won't stop me from working. I'm good."

"It'll work out Deeks. Just give her time," Callen said to him and Deeks could hear the genuine concern in his voice.

"Love your optimism, I wish I had it."

Three weeks, he thought since his world came crashing down. He wondered if the next three weeks would treat him any better.

***Please bear with me on this. I am totally out of my comfort zone writing this story because I am more a Sweet happy ever after story type of person. This is a challenge to me to write so much hurt and angst. I'd also like to add that this is most definitely NOT the way I want the story to play out on our TV screens. There I want Happy Densi. Thanks for all the reviews and follows. It means a lot to me.***


	4. Chapter 4

***Again Thanks to Shelly for her help and being my sounding board. Couldn't do this without you. I wasn't sure about this one but you steered me right.**

**I don't own the characters or NCISLA.***

CHAPTER 4

Deeks stood outside the firing range looking for Kensi disappointed to find her not in there. The room was empty and completely silent. He didn't know where she had gone after she left the bullpen so abruptly, and he didn't know why she had left like that. He inhaled deeply and he could smell the gunpowder from the room even though the door was closed. He couldn't help the small smile that played on his lips. Sunshine and Gunpowder. These two things were always going to remind him of Kensi, even when he was old and grey. He remembered back to when he had first uttered those words about her. It was after she had asked him not to die in the line of duty after Agent Schneider had been killed on a case.

He grimaced when he realised that had almost happened a few short months ago when the Sidarov case had gone south and the team had saved him, and then again in that cave in Afghanistan when his quick actions had ensured his survival as well as Kensi's. He grimaced looking up at the roof, suddenly overcome with emotion that tightened in his chest painfully. Even though she had made him promise, he now wondered if she had preferred he had died and Jack had lived.

He quickly shook his head to rid himself of the thought and sudden sadness. Was this ever going to get any easier? No, she wouldn't want that. He knew even with everything that had happened in that short space of time that he was still special to her. He just knew it. Things hadn't turned so badly for them that she would want that. He chuckled, lightening his mood. He was sure she wouldn't want his dead frozen body in her living room, or bedroom, just yet.

The last time he had stood outside the firing range watching Kensi shoot at targets was after the time he hadn't taken the shot to take out the Pakistani who had the elusive thumb drive they were seeking. He subconsciously reached up to rub his jaw where she had punched him in anger that day, the jaw still tender from everything it had suffered. How ironic that she now held it against him that he had actually taken the shot in the cave in Afghanistan. The shot to save them both. And rather skilfully he thought. Another ironic laugh escaped him as he realised he was giving himself a rap.

The thought of her shooting almost perfect rounds at the human shaped target brought with it a myriad of memories from that day. She had spoken to him about a Frozen Lake which he had no idea about until she had explained it to him. She was telling him that he was what she wanted, so badly, but was afraid that getting the one thing she wanted would destroy her. He remembered feeling such joy at her declaration followed by sorrow at her not believing it could work out. He always believed a relationship between them would work. He knew it would work, until Hetty had stolen her away. Truthfully, he still wanted it to work, believed it would work, he loved her too much for it not to. He turned around to walk towards the gym. Maybe Kensi was in there.

As he walked anger at Hetty surged through him at the memory of that evening when he returned to OSP. She had so casually told him that his partner had been reassigned, indefinitely. He wanted to scream at her that Kensi was more than his partner, yell about the injustice of sending her away just as they had begun to explore their new relationship status. He didn't understand why she was doing this to them and felt it was a personal punishment. He had remained quiet, knowing nothing would change no matter how much he would argue with her, but his anger from that moment was visible to all. Her sending Kensi away had triggered his dark side to resurface but he kept it well hidden from everyone. He slept less and ate less, was more agitated and found it nearly impossible to see any light in his life. Hetty's generous gifts to the both of them during the following weeks had tempered the anger, The Satellite phone she had gifted them both at Christmas time was a cherished gift used by both Kensi and Deeks when they needed each other. But the anger towards their leader was still always there, lingering under the surface. And he was sure Hetty knew how he felt.

Now that the repercussions of the assignment had proven to have such devastating consequences, the anger at his once favourite woman had resurfaced. He couldn't help but blame her for the wedge that was now between himself and Kensi. He wondered if Hetty knew the White Ghost was Jack even before she sent Kensi away. Whether it was rational or not, he didn't care. He had to be angry at someone and he didn't want it to be Kensi. He wanted to love Kensi but the way she blamed him for what he had to do was still raw to his wellbeing. He needed help.

He shook his head to clear it of the negative thoughts. Now that Kensi was back he wanted nothing more than to rebuild what they had before she left. God it was what he wanted but he just couldn't see it happening and it pained him to realise that. They had so much to get through together, so many obstacles. More than they had before. Had they really had these obstacles before and they just weren't willing to believe it. Were they doomed even before they started? He didn't want to believe that.

Where was she now? The firing range was always her sanctuary. As he walked into the gym he found it empty too. His eyes roamed the room and he looked up before shutting them. There were so many memories in here too. Everywhere he went there were memories. His heart began to pound as he felt the familiar ache of not being with Kensi and he sank to one of the benches in the room to steady himself. As much as he loved it here at NCIS, with his family, it suddenly dawned on him, if he could not work things out with Kensi, he wouldn't be able to stay. It would affect his work and most importantly to him right now, it would affect himself, mostly his fragile state of mind. Just the thought of not being able to stay here, the one place he called home, took him to the edge of that deep dark place. He quickly stood and walked back to the bullpen hoping to find her there. At the very least Callen and Sam should be there. They had been his rock recently and he was thankful for that.

….

The clock ticked loudly on the wall above Nate's desk, illuminated brightly by the morning sun shining through the one large window in the office. Kensi glanced through the window, down at the parking lot where she saw people coming and going on their way to see one doctor or another in the medical complex. In the distance she saw the ocean, the place of peace and quiet she had longed to have the whole time she had been away.

She had left OSP abruptly, not telling anyone where she was going. It was none of their business she had told herself, but the mere fact that her welcome back by the team had not been as she had expected, rattled her and without thinking she just got up and ran. That was what she was good at doing after all, running away from things.

She thought of Deeks's face when he had walked in and seen her sitting at her desk. It was like he had seen a ghost. She knew it would be hard to return, to face him, but she had expected better than that. She thought he would be happy to see her at least. They had shared so much over the past few months on the phone they had been given, she thought he would be happy at the very least to see her. Then again she still blamed him for Jack's death and he would more than likely be able to pick up on that vibe. They knew each other so well after all.

He should never have killed Jack and she had asked him not to, screamed at him not to. Only she knew what had happened after Jack had taken her hostage and for Deeks to come into that cave and shoot Jack even though she had asked him not to, had been the height of betrayal to her. She had trusted him, and the one time she needed him to trust her more than anything, he had broken that trust. Jack was not a terrorist, nor was he ever one. He had explained to her why everyone thought he was and she believed him. It was Jack after all, the man she had once loved, still loved.

She was never going to forgive Deeks for killing him.

She thought back to the night before she had been reassigned. She and Deeks had taken their partnership to a new level. It had been magical and perfect and special. But she had mistakenly thought that they could happily maintain both a partnership at work and in their private life. Their Thing they had called it and she huffed to herself at the memory. How could she have been so stupid to have thought it would end happily? She had always been a little wary, and now it was obvious to her, it had been for good reason to be wary. Their job would always get in the way.

Working with him now was going to be difficult, she knew that. But it was her job and she had to find a way to make it happen. If after a time it didn't work, she would ask Hetty to be reassigned. It would be a last resort because she loved working with Callen and Sam. And truthfully, she loved working with Deeks.

She thought about their reactions when they saw her back at work too. Callen was his usual cool but she had expected a little more from him, seeing she had been gone so long. Not even a hug. Had they really even missed her? And Sam. She saw the look of concern Sam gave Deeks. She frowned to herself, as she had earlier that morning. When exactly had Deeks and Sam become close? She knew Sam had changed his opinion of Deeks after the whole Sidarov torture, but they still weren't that close when she had left. Things had certainly changed while she was gone. This morning she had felt like the outsider and tears sprang up in her eyes at the realisation. This was going to be a lot harder than she thought. She felt like she didn't fit in.

Kensi stood up, about to make a dash to the door and run away, when Nate came in the door.

"Going somewhere?" he asked, cocking an eyebrow in question.

Kensi looked around the room like a deer caught in headlights. "Um, no," was all she could reply with. She sat back down nervously still looking around the room, at everything but Nate.

"So Kensi," Nate began after sitting down behind his mahogany desk, rearranging some files so he could give Kensi his full attention. Her call this morning had taken him by surprise and he knew he had to make time to see her. "How is the first day back going?"

"I only really got there, said hi, then ran out, calling you once I got out. It was... Difficult."

"How so?" he asked, watching her intently for every sign of emotion playing over her face. He jotted down some notes on his pad of paper.

"It was just…uncomfortable." Nate looked at her and indicated with a nod that she should continue. "After they needed to rescue me, and after all that time away. It was just difficult."

"What made it so hard?" He prompted her.

"Well ... You know." Nate looks waiting for her to continue. "Deeks," She said. Now that she had said that she looked down at her fingers entwined tightly in her lap. She wanted to cry. Saying Deeks's name made her sad for so many reasons. Everything they had shared and now lost.

Nate thought before asking the next question. "How do you feel about Deeks now?" Kensi didn't know what to say and remained quiet. "Do you still feel the same way as you did before?" Kensi seemed to be zoning out. "Kensi!" Nate said with more force and she looked up into his eyes again. "You were very close."

"Some might say too close," she whispered.

"Do you say that Kensi? Do you believe that?" he asked her with compassion.

Nate could see her thinking and he gave her time to answer. A small shake of her head gave him what he needed. She continued. "But things have changed now haven't they, they can't be the same no matter how close we were."

"Why do you think they've changed Kensi?"

"You know." Nate said nothing and Kensi looked at him like he was stupid for not knowing the answer, for even asking the question. "You know. Because he killed Jack."

Nate thought long and hard before he continued. He needed to help Kensi through this, not lecture her about Jack, and also about her feelings for Deeks. In a later session he would ask her if the roles had been reversed what would she have done. Now was not the time. But on the other hand, he couldn't sugar coat the truth. He was going to have to tread a fine line with her or she would run again. He looked at his notes seeing the top item on his list. RUN. He didn't want her to run like she had so many other times in her life.

"Kensi you know Deeks had to shoot Jack don't you?" Nate said quietly but with conviction.

"No," she said simply.

"Yes. He did. He was saving your life."

"No," she said again.

"Kensi," he said forcefully again so he had her attention. "Jack was a terrorist."

"No... No he wasn't." With those words she buried her head in her hands and started to cry. For the first time since they had left the cave where Deeks had shot Jack, she allowed herself to cry. She cried for Jack, but she realised she also cried for Deeks. But still she blamed him.

Nate didn't know how he was going to get through to Kensi. Her suffering was only just beginning and he needed to make her see there had been no alternative to what had happened but he also needed to help her heal. He'd read the reports. He knew of the evil Jack was capable of and that he had played on Kensi's sympathies. But there was no doubt to anybody that if Deeks hadn't shot him that night in the cave, they would both now be dead. He needed to make her see the Jack she remembered was not the man Deeks had shot.

Kensi spoke again. "Nate, do you know how long I have waited for the day for Jack to come back. Mostly to know he was okay. I didn't want to resume what we had shared before. I had moved on from there, I had found Deeks. But I wanted to find Jack. I needed to find him. And finally in Afghanistan I found him. He explained to me why everyone was hunting him and how it was a mistake. He was the victim of mistaken identity." She stopped talking for a moment and took a shuddering breath.

Then she looked up at Nate with clarity in her eyes. "I finally found Jack, and then Deeks took him away. Just like that Deeks took him away from me forever."

"Kensi, Jack was gone long before Deeks shot him."

"No, he wasn't."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

***Huge thank you to everyone who has sent me reviews. I have been overwhelmed by the support and it really makes my day to know you are enjoying this story. Thanks again to Shelly (TinkerBella7) This chapter came to me while looking a little into PTSD. All the spoilers floating around about this much anticipated storyline I still don't want my take on it to be right. I want Happy Densi on screen. ***

He felt the cold seeping into his very soul. There was a mist surrounding him as he walked towards his destination, feeling like he was never going to reach his target. He felt eyes on him, all around. He knew he was being watched. But what was watching him. He squinted, his eyes looking stealthily from left to right, turning his head quickly to look behind himself. He saw nothing, the mist becoming thicker as he walked making it even harder to see. The entrance of the building was becoming invisible and he squinted again, his breathing coming a little faster as fear began to build.

He continued on, holding his gun in his hand in front of him, ready to shoot if needed. But he couldn't see anything. He was walking into complete darkness. His sense of hearing took over and in the distance he heard something, vaguely familiar, yet something he knew he would fear. As he continued it became louder and his breathing became more rapid. His heart was pounding and his feet were struggling to take the steps he needed to complete his mission. Why was he alone, where was his back up? His feet felt like led and every sense in his body was telling him to turn around and run in the opposite direction. Why wasn't he running?

And then he heard it. The sound he feared above all else. It was the sound that quickened his pulse and make sweat begin to bead along his top lip. His breathing came in short pants and he could hear his voice whispering the word no, over and over again. He heard the word in his head because absolutely nothing would come out of his mouth.

A shiver ran up his spine. Was it the cold or the absolute terror that made his body quiver? He was sweating but he was cold, ice cold. No, this was not happening. The sound of the drill was slicing through his brain and he was frozen to the spot. Hands reached out to touch him and he cringed at the touch, flinching as each hand reached out for him. Moving now he was trying to get away from the hands but everywhere he went there were more, touching, reaching out, and clamouring for him.

They took him in their grasp and Deeks couldn't see anyone, no faces, only hands. Carrying him to a door he tried to scream. A weak hissing of air was all he could manage as the faceless, bodyless people carried him towards the sound he feared the most. He was tied the chair. That chair, the same one he had been imprisoned on before. No, he was not there, he couldn't be. That nightmare was over. If he closed his eyes it would all go away.

He looked up when everything went suddenly silent and noticed he wasn't in a room at all. He was in a cave. That cave in the middle off Afghanistan. He frowned when he realised he was still tied to the chair and again his eyes were darting from one place to another searching for a way out or someone to help. No, he was alone. The mist was still hanging in the air but he could see now. There was only one entrance to the cave and he had no way out. Pulling on his restraints he felt the all too familiar feeling of hopelessness. Would he escape this time?

Then he saw Kensi. She looked beautiful and his heart skipped a beat. "Kensi" he tried to call. "Kensi, help me. Please cut me loose." He shivered as he spoke those words again, remembering clearly how he had uttered them to her at the body shop. She ran towards him but she didn't stop. He frowned and turned his head to try and see where she was going. In slow motion he watched her as she ran to someone else. His face was obscured but at that instant he knew who it was and the hopelessness that he felt only moments before felt ten times worse. Jack!

No words were spoken as Kensi ran into Jacks arms and they turned to look at him. They both began to laugh as Jack held up his gun. Finally Deeks was able to yell. Nooooooooo was all he screamed as he saw the gun pointed at him and fire.

"Nooooooooo," Deeks cried out as his dream took on the worst turn that it had in a long time. He fell from his bed with a thump, dragging the sheets with him as he was violently awoken. He shivered uncontrollably as he was trying to figure out what he was doing on the floor, kicking his legs, trying to free himself of the tangle of sheets. He flung his arms about as if to ward off the bodyless arms that had carrying him in his dreams. His eyes popped open trying to focus on anything that would help him get a grip on things. The dim light, which was left on in his room every night, gave off enough of a glow to help him become orientated again. He sat up and leaned his head up against the side of the bed and closed his eyes.

It was another dream, but a particularly bad one. He could tell by the way his heart was pounding and the state of his sheets. Add to that his t-shirt was wringing wet and he could bet the sheet on the bed would be as well. He sat in that position until his breathing and heartbeat returned to normal before getting up and walking out into the living room.

There would be no more sleep tonight. He'd learnt from past experience that he wouldn't manage to get any more meaningful sleep so when these nightmares resurfaced, he didn't even try to catch any more sleep. He looked over at the kitchen clock. 4:00am. That was going to have to do him for the night, and hope the next night would bring on some deep sleep. It seemed to go in that cycle when he was having these nightmares. One good night, one bad.

He sat down on the lounge and stared into space. He knew what brought his new wave of nightmares on but there was not a thing he could do about them. Maybe it was time he went to see Nate regardless of whether or not he was seeing Kensi. He was pretty sure he was because the past three days she had arrived at work late, never explaining to anyone where she had been. Deeks hoped Nate was helping her because deep down he knew if she was being helped to see the truth, then he could be helped too. In his mind, all he needed was Kensi back.

It had been 3 days since she had returned to work and it had been awkward for them. She behaved as if nothing had happened and they reverted back to the behaviour they shared before they had become a couple. He huffed at that thought. They had one night, they could hardly be classified as a couple. And now they were merely friends again. It was really challenging to accept things the way they were now. But each day he got up, went to work and hoped things would get a little better. So far, not so much, but he knew he had to give it time. And in time he could heal too.

If only his nightmares would stop.

He stood up and went to the kitchen pouring himself a glass of juice. He looked down at Monty, still sound asleep on his comfortable doggie bed.

"What sort of guard dog are you Monty, with someone moving about in here in the middle of the night? Not a peep out of you. Or are you so used to my night time terrors it's just normal for you?"

With that Monty's tail wagged slightly but he didn't bother to open his eyes.

"So if I were to ask you if you want to go out, down to the beach, you would just lay there?" He had barely got the word 'beach' out and Monty had sprung to his feet. "Yeah, I Thought so."

Deeks didn't know if he wanted to be at the beach. Any other time, if he was awoken at that time of the morning, he would take full advantage of the extra hours and spend them at his favourite place. The beach, his sanctuary, his place of solace. Right now, he didn't even think that could help him.

Once there, he sat on the damp sand, watching the waves, his board beside him, Monty running on the water's edge excitedly. His arms tucked around his knees, Deeks sat watching some early morning surfers ride the slightly above average waves. Normally he would itch to join them but right now he wasn't ready. He couldn't push himself.

Thinking about the past month might help him, or it could make things worse for him. Yet still he found himself doing just that, as if he had no choice in the matter. His dreams, or nightmares, had begun again when the whole Afghanistan fiasco had happened, adding to the nightmares he had put to rest before. But now, as he sat thinking, this was the same old story playing out in his head, the same desire for things to be right again. He wanted his old life back but all he could see was it slowly slipping away. Where was the strength he knew he had inside himself? It seemed to have abandoned him just when he needed it most.

He watched as the sun's rays began to lighten the morning sky from behind. That was what he used to continue every day. He knew the sun would always rise, the ocean would always meet the land, work would continue, and the stars would come out at night. These were things no one could control. But there were things in his life he could control and if he got on top of them, maybe the things he couldn't control, like his nightmares, would eventually go away.

The thing was, taking control of his life was not that easy. There were so many demons in his head right now, he didn't even know where to begin. He thought about the last time he spoke to Nate here on the same beach. He didn't think he would have been able to help him back then, but he had put the seed of healing into his mind and slowly it had helped. He didn't think things were quite as a bad right now, but without help it could get that way again.

He took notice of the water he had been staring at for the past half hour and thought he might actually head into the water this time. He stood up and pulled on his wetsuit and picked up his board. Once in the water he felt his head clearing some. This is where he should have been all along, not avoiding it. He would search Nate out once he got to work and see if it would be possible to see him. He had to do something to get his life on track.

Hetty sat across the table from her Operations Psychologist and watched him over the top of a cup of her favourite tea. Slowly she took a sip before replacing the delicate china cup and joining her hands into a steeple shape as she pondered her words.

"So Mr Getz, how is our Miss Blye doing now she is back at work?"

Nate pursed his lips tightly while contemplating what he should reveal to her. He had patient doctor privileges to maintain. "She hasn't fully come to grips with what happened in Afghanistan. It was traumatic and she needs time to sort through that. But it's not only what happened in that cave, but the fact that she was there in the first place."

"Hmm," Hetty thought for minute. "So she blames me?"

Nate nodded reluctantly. "A little." He waited for Hetty's reaction before continuing. "She knows someone had to go. She doesn't understand why her." Nate was not authorised to tell Hetty the other reason for her new distrust of her grandmotherly mentor. It was all to do with Deeks. Kensi had confided that much in him.

"I understand. It comes with the territory sometimes," Hetty said to him but he could clearly tell it hurt her to know this. She fidgeted with some paperwork on her desk as she spoke. "Is she making progress though," she asked, looking back into Nate's eyes, continuing her questioning.

"I think, with time, she will be whole again. I have no doubt she can do her job, at the same standard as she had before. She just has some personal issues to deal with." He stopped and looked closer at Hetty. "Could I please have some photos from the mission?" Hetty looked curiously at Nate. "To show her what Jack was capable of. I think she is ready to see the evil her former fiancé was capable of."

"Of course, of course," Hetty told him. "If you think she is ready for that and that it will help her, I trust you." Hetty told him before yet again contemplating him over her fingers. "Now," she said to him, "I'd like to know if you could turn your attention to Mr Deeks. He seems to be struggling as well. I know this could be a conflict of interest, but I believe he is hurting too. He performed a most difficult task in that cave."

Nate nodded. He had known this would be coming and he thought it would be for the best if he spoke to them both, obviously separately, to gauge the mental states of both the people involved in this case, and more importantly, their lives. If he was correct, this went deeper than their work relationships. "I will speak to Mr Deeks about coming to see me. I think he can use someone he trusts to talk to."

Hetty looked down, visibly affected by Nate's words. Nate had meant nothing sinister in using them, but Hetty heard the words differently than the generic comment made. Her junior agents did not trust her anymore and it hurt her more than she was ever willing to admit.


	6. Chapter 6

***Thanks again to Shelly (TinkerBella7). And to everyone who is reading, a massive thanks to you I don't pretend too be a psychologist so keep that in mind when you read this. ***

Chapter 6

"Deeks," Nate called out to him as Deeks entered the Bullpen almost immediately after he had talked to Hetty. It looked like Deeks had been surfing which he took as a good sign. He remembered Deeks telling him how surfing helped to keep him on an even keel. Maybe he wasn't so bad this time.

Deeks's head popped up at hearing his name and he walked over to Nate. "Nate, I was going to call you today." Deeks said to him.

One of Nate's eyebrows lifted in surprise. He truly hadn't expected to hear that. "Oh? You were?"

"Yeah," he started before becoming a little unsure of himself. He reached up and scratched the top of his head, ruffling his hair a little. "I was wondering if I could come and see you, just, to talk, you know."

"Are you having problems?" Nate asked carefully. He couldn't push him.

Deeks shrugged. "A little."

And with those two words Nate knew it was more than a little thing bothering Deeks.

He wasn't going to prod him in the middle of the work space. But he was glad he had admitted there was something concerning him, unlike Kensi who flat out refused to admit there was anything wrong. "Meet me at my office at 12-30 today." He saw Deeks let out a breath of what he thought was relief. That confirmed the Detective was having more than a little bit of trouble since that night in the cave. Nate left the OSP mentally taking notes about Deeks's case so far. He had to get to his office. He was actually seeing Kensi that morning too and had to check into the photos Hetty would make available to him. It was going to be a difficult morning.

* * *

Kensi stood at the door leading to Nate's office. It was becoming a ritual to spend her mornings before work talking to Nate. She wondered how much longer she would need to see him seeing she really didn't think there was any reason to be seeing him in the first place. No one would convince her that what happened in that cave was the desired outcome. No one would convince her that Jack was evil. And no one would convince her that Deeks was right.

Deeks was wrong and she knew she could never trust him like she had before, again. Oh she would always trust him to have her back at work, but away from work was a different matter. She had trusted her heart to him, and again that trust had been broken. She'd worked hard to give that trust away. If only he had listened to her that night.

She knocked on Nate's door softly and listened. She heard his silent 'come in' and opened the door walking over to the all too familiar seat in front of her desk.

"How are you today Kensi?"

Kensi sat up straight her hands folded together in her lap, her spine ramrod straight. She shrugged at Nate's question. "I'm good." She said stubbornly. She didn't need to be here, she told herself again.

"That's good. How are you sleeping?" She was going to need coaxing again, the same as every morning. Getting through her shell was proving more difficult than he thought.

"I'm sleeping fine," she answered this time with a little hesitation apparent.

Nate caught on to the hesitation. "Really? There are no nightmares, no dreams?"

"Nothing out of the ordinary." She expected to have some dreams after what she had been through. Nothing to bother Nate about at least. She was sure he had other patients he could be seeing that really needed his help.

"Well, tell me what you are dreaming about, and let me be the judge of that" He noticed her light panic when he asked her that. "Are you dreaming about Afghanistan?" he prodded. She was not going to offer information freely.

"Hmm, yeah, sometimes," she answered, not looking him in the eye.

"Do they wake you?" he pushed again.

"No," she lied. She didn't want to keep coming here to be interrogated by Nate. She wanted to bury what had happened and move on. She didn't want to dwell on the nightmares that woke her nearly every night.

Nate could see through her lies and knew what Kensi was trying to do. By ignoring the problem she was effectively running from her problem again, something she had a tendency to do. He thought now was the time to bring out the big guns. "Kensi, Deeks was right with what he did in the cave in Afghanistan."

Her head snapped up and she looked at Nate, a menacing look in her eye. Why was everyone so convinced Deeks was right? They hadn't been there, in the cave with Jack. She spoke with a fire in her eye as she told him, "NO. HE. WASN'T." She enunciated each word angrily.

"Kensi." She had looked away again, out at the view through the window just as she had the first morning. "You are going to have to listen to me and trust what I tell you."

She looked at him through squinted eyes, her head shaking from side to side slowly. "You aren't going to tell me again that Jack was a terrorist are you? Because I won't believe you. I'll never believe you."

"No, I'm not going to tell you, I'm going to show you."

Kensi closed her eyes and looked away. No, he couldn't do that. Jack was dead, he couldn't defend himself.

Nate picked up the folder that lay on his table and opened it slowly. Inside were pictures and documents on Jack's life after he left Kensi. It was the pictures that told the whole horrific story. There were gruesome photos of Jack with his victims. Jack committing torture or gloating over some specific kill, headless corpses and mass graves. There were letters and emails and all kinds of documentation that proved beyond a shadow of doubt that Jack was a terrorist. Plans to bomb innocent villages, deals made with known arms dealers and the big one, a plot to kill thousands on American soil. No matter how much someone believed in his innocence, this would prove otherwise. Nate slipped the folder towards Kensi slowly.

"I want you to look at these Kensi, here, now. You can take them to look in private, but I want to know that you have seen what's in this file first." He thought she might not even look at it if she took them away. It was a shocking way of proving the point to Kensi, but it was necessary. And he would be there to pick up the pieces for her. He mentally scheduled in more dates for her. But now he needed to monitor her closely while she reviewed the files in the folder. Revealing to her that she had been wrong about Jack, wrong about Deeks, could have any number of results, all of which might not be good.

Kensi took a breath before she opened the folder, letting it out slowly before turning the cover. In truth she was scared of what she might find in there. She didn't believe it would change her mind, but what if it did. What if she was wrong? What if Deeks was right? The first seeds of doubt were being planted in her mind and she was scared.

She began to slowly read the contents. Her face was still stubbornly defiant when she began but slowly Nate watched her expressions carefully as she read, seeing the change. He could see that she was finally beginning to believe the information in the folder. Her expression turned from defiance and confusion, to outrage and pure disgust. Slowly, as she read and looked at the pictures, tears began to form in her eyes and as she continued, they slowly began to roll down her cheeks.

She hadn't even gone through the whole folder when she looked up at Nate with watery eyes. "What have I done?" Her voice was barely a whisper and Nate knew she was breaking inside.

"You have done what you believed Kensi," he told her calmly, trying to support her. "We can't always be right, but when we are wrong, we have it in our power to fix it." He came around to sit next to her, putting a reassuring arm around her shoulders.

"But Deeks," she said and let out a shuddering breath. "I blamed him. I've avoided him. I've treated him like the enemy when all he has done is protected me." She frowned. "How can I ever possibly think I can fix this?"

She turned then, burying her head in Nate's shoulders and let out a shuddering cry. Nate held her as she cried, waiting before he continued. Much too soon for his satisfaction, she stopped and wiped her eyes, sitting up straight once again. Nate sat back but still kept a reassuring arm on hers.

"Slowly Kensi. You fix this slowly. You won't heal overnight and neither will he. Remember he has been through this trauma too."

She nodded. "I really screwed this one up."

* * *

Deeks knocked on Nate's door a few hours after Kensi had been in his office. Nate was ready for him but he hadn't been prepared for Kensi to have such a quick turn around and believe everything in that file quite so fast. It had surprised him, yet he was pleased. She had taken it hard, as expected, but she had been remarkably calm. After her initial bout of tears she had calmed way too fast in his opinion. They had talked for a long time, going over the allotted time, but he listened for as long as she needed him to listen that morning. She needed him. She still had a fair bit of counselling to attend, but she would now be on the way to recovery, of that he was sure. Even more so if Deeks would accept her back. He was the key to her full recovery. He wasn't so sure that would be quite so easy when he saw Deeks walk through the door to stand nervously next to the same seat Kensi had been in.

"Hi Deeks, it's good to see you." They shook hands and Nate indicated to sit. "How have you been?"

Deeks was silent for much longer than Nate thought usual, especially for Deeks. He cleared his throat to break Deeks out of his thoughts and knew right then that Deeks was in a dark place. He was not as bad as he was last time, but if he didn't get on top of things, he could spiral into a world of darkness maybe even worse than before. He was glad the Detective had sought him out, even though he had been coming to find him.

"Well, you know…. things have been better." Deeks said simply. His eyes were blank as he spoke, giving nothing away.

"What's troubling you?"

Deeks pulled a face and scratched his chin nervously. "Everything I guess."

"What do you mean by everything? There has to be something that is more troubling than everything else."

"Where do I begin?" Nate could see him thinking about his next words and waited patiently. This was going to be harder than he originally thought. "The nightmares have started again. Every couple of nights they come to me and I don't know when they are real and when they are a dream."

"The nightmares are resurfacing because something is bothering you through the day. Let me put it out there that this is to do with Afghanistan, and more importantly Kensi." He longed to tell Deeks that Kensi now believed him, but it wasn't his place to do so, even though he knew it would help Deeks.

"It's more than that, but I can't put my finger on it. It's the Sidarov case and Afghanistan and Kensi, and yet there is something else as well. Kensi is a part of all of it."

"Let's go back to that day on the beach when we talked," he looked at Deeks and waited for him to nod that he knew the time he meant. "I asked you what the unique ingredient was in your partnership. Did you work out what it was?"

Deeks let out an ironic laugh. "Yeah. We figured it out eventually."

"Would you like to share?" Deeks looked down at the folder in front of Nate and hesitated. "It won't go on the record, if that's what you are worried about."

Deeks took a few calming breaths before he spoke. "Love," he said, almost in a whisper. "Our unique ingredient is love. Or it was."

It took Nate by surprise that he admitted it, but he wasn't surprised by the answer. "You don't think it is anymore?"

"I don't know."

"Why don't you know Deeks? Is it because of what happened overseas? Kensi's reaction?" Nate could feel the incredible sadness that Deeks was feeling.

"I don't know." Deeks ran his fingers through his hair distractedly, "I love her, I really do. I will never stop loving her. Honestly, she is so special to me. I couldn't stop thinking about her while she was away and now that she is back, I am still thinking about her all the time, and she wants nothing to do with that love we share. She only wants to be my friend. And I still love her but there's so much more to this," he said. Once he began he couldn't stop. Nate just waited for him to continue letting him get it all off his chest so he could then begin to help him.

"There's the whole trust thing between us. I trusted her with my life and when I needed her the most, she wasn't there." Nate knew he meant Sidarov because they had discussed this before. There was so much baggage that went with the Sidarov case. "And then I was there for her, and that was wrong. I mean, I know it wasn't wrong because if I hadn't been there she would be dead." He visibly shuddered at that thought. "But now she wants nothing to do with me because I was there for her and she doesn't trust me and all I want to do is tell her I love her but I can't,"

Nate knew, even after Deeks had poured out all his feelings there was still so much more that he hadn't talked about, or could even talk about because it was so far beneath the surface he didn't even know what it was. He looked down at Deeks's file and knew, this was only part of it. He had another one still in the drawer. As if reading Nate's thoughts Deeks laughed. "That file looks smaller than the last time I saw it. Did you throw some of it away?"

Nate chuckled. "No, the other one is filed away."

"So I have a new case file now. Brilliant," Deeks said sarcastically.

"Go on Deeks. What about now? You obviously recovered from the Sidarov case and trust issues, because you freely admit now that you are in love with your partner." As he said the words he watched for Deeks's reaction but got none, Love and In love were two entirely different things and Deeks hadn't corrected him.

"How can I trust her, how can she trust me, after what went down in that cave. I was there to save her, I would do anything for her." The sadness in Deeks's voice is what Nate noticed again as Deeks spoke. Deeks was hugely affected by everything that had happened. His whole emotional self had taken a beating.

"Well I am working on that Deeks. I am working on getting her to see the truth. But answer me this, if you had been in her place, if it were you who vehemently believed that your ex fiancé was innocent, would you feel the same way Kensi had that night? Remember this man was known to kill his prisoners almost instantly, yet he let Kensi live, probably because of that connection between them. He made her believe him because that's what he needed to do. He manipulated her," Nate told him, stressing the reason why Kensi had been so quick to believe Jack trying to make Deeks understand.

"But he was going to kill her in front of me, and then me too," Deeks answered quietly.

"I know that Deeks, but Kensi was traumatised in there. Once Jack saw she was vulnerable, he worked to make her believe him. You have to remember you had no choice. You had to do what you did."

"She should have believed me!" Deeks said angrily, pounding his fist on the table.

"Look, I am not making excuses for her. I don't know why she chose to believe Jack over you. But that's what happened to her. Now you both have to work through it. It might take some time but it can happen."

Nate stopped and let what he had just said sink in to Deeks mind. He watched the emotions play out on his face but just looking at him he knew this was going to take a long time. He said there was something else bothering him and he would bet that was the thing holding him back, the thing that would come between them until it was resolved. Trauma could raise its ugly head at any point in his life and it would not be pretty when it did.

"Tell me Deeks, you say the unique ingredient in your partnership is love." Deeks nodded. "Do you still love her?"

"With all my heart and soul."


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Deeks returned to OSP after his session with Nate feeling mentally drained. During the entire drive back he had been thinking about what Nate had said. He felt more at ease, but still not close to clawing his way out of his dark place. His darkness felt like an onion that had to be peeled back layer by layer. He remembered what Nate had said about Kensi and had to admit that he hadn't thought about what she, herself, had gone through when she had been held captive. Well, no, he had, but his thoughts didn't scratch the surface of what may have gone on in there. And there was Jack. He really hadn't known what her thoughts about Jack were after all these years. Sure, they had spent the past almost four years together as partners and had developed something strong between them, but he had never actually told her that he loved her, whereas Jack undoubtedly had. Heck she was engaged to him, there had been something powerful between them.

He wanted to fix that but he knew it would take time. And he wouldn't be able to even begin to fix things until she believed in him again. Until she believed that he had done the only thing that was best for them. When it all boiled down to it, he had done what was required of him for the mission, but it was done for her. It was to save her life, first and foremost. Something he would never regret doing.

He looked around the Bullpen and found only Hetty. He really didn't want to talk to her.

"Are you looking for your partner Mr Deeks?"

"Yes," he answered curtly but politely. It was the way he spoke to her these days. "Where's Kensi"

"She's gone to Jacks memorial." Hetty said and braced herself for Deeks's outburst.

He didn't give one and calmly brushed his hand down his tired face. "He gets a memorial? That bastard gets a memorial, and she's gone to pay her respects!" he said in a menacing tone. He couldn't believe it.

"Kensi organised it. I believe she will be the only one present. Perhaps you could go and be with your partner."

Deeks looked at her in disbelief and his heart plummeted. "I don't think that would be such a good idea."

"But backing up your partner is always a good idea."

"Yes, it used to be. Now I am not so sure."

Hetty stood quietly looking at Deeks without saying a word. He was beginning to feel uncomfortable when she turned on her heels and began to walk away dismissively before looking back over her shoulder. "When Miss Blye returns, please come and see me, both of you, I have a new mission that arrived this morning. I believe you will be the perfect agents for the job."

* * *

Kensi sat in her car looking at the small building she had chosen for Jacks memorial. The folder Nate had given her was cradled in her arms and she didn't know what she should do. While a memorial for Jack had seemed the right thing for her to organise, that was yesterday. Now things were different. She thought about Jack. The Jack she knew.

Jack had been loving and caring. He was also troubled, and now, in hindsight, he had probably displayed those tendencies for longer than she cared to remember. He hadn't seemed so troubled in her mind, but maybe he was. Maybe she was blinded by the love she felt for him to see it.

She remembered the good times, and she admitted to herself, there were plenty of those. They had shared a lot together growing up as two young people in love. They shared bowling and movies and restaurants and nightclubs. They shared nights in watching TV and walking along the beach, impromptu get togethers and surprise outings. They did all the things that normal couples did together.

These were all things she had shared with Jack, but she also shared them with Deeks and the ache in her heart told her that with Deeks, these things meant so much more. She trusted Deeks more, she appreciated Deeks more, and most importantly, she loved Deeks more. How had she not seen that? How had she ignored it?

She knew the answer to that, held in her arms so tightly that she thought she would rip the folder in half. Jack had been cunning when he had captured her. He had not expected his captive to be his ex-fiancé, of that she was sure. When he had seen her face, he had been shocked, and now that she was thinking straight, she knew that recognising her had forestalled his killing her, saving her life. He would have killed her on the spot if they had no history. That was his first mistake.

For three days he had her held hostage and he had played the charming host. She could see he had hardened over the years and she felt none of the love she used to feel for him. It all belonged to Deeks. But he talked to her, about how he had arrived where he was, how he was forced to remain and work with the allies in trying to flush out the bad guys. She had believed him, just as she believed he had had enough and wanted to return home.

When he told her people believed he was a terrorist and there was a price on his head, he had turned emotional and insisted he was a victim of mistaken identity. He actually cried and played on her emotions. And she had believed him.

When the gunfire on that fateful night had begun within the cave complex that Jack had held her captive in, he changed. Fully professional now, she saw him spring into action, and still she didn't believe he was doing wrong. When he had taken her to use her as a shield, tying her hands behind her back, he had told her it was merely for his protection. And she had believed him.

When she had seen it was Deeks coming to her rescue she was sure she went into total shock. No he wasn't here, he was back in LA she had thought to herself. If this was really Deeks, he really did look good. She wanted to run to him. But Jack had whispered in her ear that Deeks was the enemy who had come to kill him before he could return home to prove his innocence. And again she had believed him.

She wanted to scream right now at that simple fact. She had believed him yet when Deeks appeared, she hadn't believed Deeks. The one person she said she would always trust. The one person who she knew would always have her back.

Jack taunted him. That was mistake number two. Kensi knew it and had tried to reason with Deeks. Everything from that moment on was a blur to her. She knew now she was in shock from the moment Jack had thrown her aside and began to fight with Deeks. When Deeks had taken that last fatal shot, killing Jack who had been holding her, she was surely delusional. Her memory of the incident in the cave from that point on was gone and it was only Callen and Sam telling her later that she recalled them. And still she believed Deeks was wrong.

How could SHE have been so wrong? How could she not have believed Deeks? The only reason she could give was she had been in shock. But that didn't excuse her after they returned and time went by. She could only blame it on her pure stubbornness.

Now she knew the truth and she was going to have to try and fix things with Deeks. A sob broke free when she realised this may not be so easy to fix. She had really hurt him, both mentally and physically. While she had her demons and trauma to deal with herself, he had more. She was sure he would be suffering and if the dark circles under his eyes were any indication, she knew he wasn't sleeping. His nightmares may have returned and that realisation piled another layer of guilt onto her shoulders.

She looked out the window and saw someone standing by the door of the building. She realised it was her mother and frowned in surprise. She didn't think anyone else was coming to Jack's memorial. Her mother hadn't even known Jack.

She got out of her car and walked towards her mom, oblivious to the fact that she still had the files in her hand. "Mom, what are you doing here?"

"Just here to support you, honey. I didn't want you to do this alone." She hugged her daughter and felt the tension in her body.

She nodded at her mother. "Thanks."

"Shall we go in?"

Her mother turned to walk in but Kensi hesitated as she reached the door. Now that she knew the truth, did she really want to go through with this? The entire memorial had been planned before she knew the truth. Music and verses, poems and readings, had all been chosen when she believed Jack had been innocent. Nothing seemed relevant anymore.

Julia reached out and placed her arm on the small of Kensi's back. "Come on sweetheart, let's say goodbye to Jack."

Kensi's walk was stiff as she crossed into the room, laid out with a floral tribute at the front and a photo of Jack in his navy uniform. He was much younger in the photo than when she had last seen him in that cave. In the cave he was hardened and nearly unrecognisable. Her mother guided her to the front seat and urged her to sit. Kensi didn't want to sit she wanted to run. Again. But this time with good reason.

The funeral director stood at the front of the hall ready to speak. The music stopped playing and he began the service that Kensi had chosen. With every word that he spoke, Kensi became angrier, tightening her grip on the folder in front of her. His words were a farce. When they stopped to play a song of her choosing she opened the folder and began looking at the photos of Jack's handiwork.

The director began to speak again, a little put off by Kensi's growing hostility quite noticeable as she looked at her folder flicking through the photos noisily. When he began his final speech Kensi stood and screamed "LIAR!"

Julia gasped at Kensi's intense hatred glowing from her eyes. "Honey! Shhhh! Sit down."

"I will not sit down. He was a liar and a murderer. He was evil, more evil than I ever knew was possible. And I believed in him. He took advantage of me. And I believed him." She screamed looking directly at the photo of Jack as if he could hear her.

The man at the front was stunned into silence. "I'll thank you to stop this service. He was a terrorist and deserves nothing." The room went eerily silent.

With that Kensi strode out of the room tears freely falling now. Her mother ran after her, trying to catch her and comfort her. "Kensi, what's happening? What's all this about?" She was visibly confused at her daughter's behaviour.

Kensi calmed now that she was out of the building. "He was a terrorist Mom, and he used me. He doesn't deserve any of this," she said waving her arm towards the building.

"After all we've talked about since you got back, what's changed your mind? You were so sure Jack was right."

Kensi grunted. "Yeah, I was wasn't I? I was so sure I was right and Deeks was wrong." She handed her mother the folder. "This. Look at it. Tell me I was right. You won't be able to, because I was so very wrong." Kensi waited while her mother looked at the images in the folder. "Mom, I was so very wrong." She said and broke down falling to her knees and breaking into uncontrollable tears. Her mother leaned down and took her in her arms and held her, letting her cry.

Eventually the sobs slowed before she stopped completely. She stepped away from her mother. "Thanks Mom, for coming, and for, well, this." She indicated her emotional outburst. It was as if the outpouring of words and tears had cleansed her soul, ready to move on to the next phase. Her mother wasn't so sure but she let her daughter go, stepping back to look at her.

Kensi had a sudden urge to be near Deeks. She knew she wouldn't be able to right the wrong she had made, but she was ready to begin trying to make things better and she wanted to be near him. It was going to be difficult but she was going to win him back. "I'm going back to work," she told her mother.

"Do you think that's a good idea?"

"I have to Mom. I have to try and begin to make things right. I have royally screwed up and I have a lot of ground to fix. The sooner I begin, the sooner I will have Deeks back, and I want him back so badly. I hurt him, but I will fix him. I am going to make things better, I am going to fight for him."

* * *

Deeks saw Kensi return and walk to her desk. He watched her out of the corner of his eye and saw that she had been crying, a lot by the look of her swollen eyes. His heart felt the familiar pang of another knife being twisted as he realised she would have been sad about Jack. He could barely believe she would organise a memorial for a terrorist.

He walked over to her Desk. "Hetty wants to see us," he stated plainly, not even asking her if she was okay. How could he have even feigned compassion towards her when he knew what she had been crying about?

"Okay, good," she replied placing a thick folder in her drawer with a lock on it. She turned the key in the lock and put the key safely away in her bag, making sure the compartment was firmly closed. He wondered about the content of the folder but knew he would likely never see it, so he put it out of him mind. "Do you know what she wants?" she asked, surprisingly at ease him. Then as she looked over at Hetty her mood changed suddenly and Deeks picked up the same vibe that he got whenever anyone talked about Hetty.

"Nope, just that she wants to see us about a mission."

Kensi shrugged. "Okay then, let's see what she wants."

They walked up to Hetty's office and waited for her to finish on the phone. "Ah, Mr Deeks, Miss Blye, Sit," she said when she hung the phone up, waving her hand to both of them to sit in the chairs opposite to her. She acted like there was no problem between them all. That's what Hetty did best.

"We have a new mission Hetty?" Deeks asked. He wanted to get this meeting over and done with fast. He always finished with Hetty as soon as he possibly could these days. He caught Kensi looking at him curiously and he realised then that Kensi would have no idea of the animosity Deeks had held towards Hetty since she had sent Kensi away. He saw her smile, probably the first one since she went away.

"Yes, we do. I need the two of you to go undercover to smoke out an arms dealer. He is posing as a pet store owner in an affluent community and no one has been able to get close enough to him to get any information or evidence on him."

They both nodded and let Hatty continue. "We need you to go undercover as a married couple to try and smoke him out," she said.

She dropped the bombshell with such calm in her voice. Almost much too calm Deeks thought. He closed his eyes in disbelief that she would do this to them so soon after it was obvious they still needed help with their partnership. He heard Kensi gasp beside him and he knew she felt the same way. Neither one of them spoke a word.

"We have your aliases complete," she continued. "Eric worked on them while you were both out of the office. He saw Kensi look at him questioningly. She wondered where he had gone, but he was not going to volunteer that information.

Hetty handed over their two new identities.

"I'm Max," he said in surprise, his eyes opening wide. He looked away, at anything to hide how inexplicably angry that made him. It was like Hetty was mocking him.

"And I am Fern," Kensi said slowly. Quietly she added, "I like it." She didn't think anyone had heard her.

"Mr Deeks you will be Max Gilbert, accountant to the rich and famous, and Miss Blye, you will be Fern Gilbert, socialite wife of Max."

This made Deeks spring to action. "No. No, can't we have different aliases, different names? I don't like those aliases Hetty."

Kensi's face fell when she heard Deeks say that. Those names had taken on a special meaning to them, ever since the day after they had become officially a couple.

Hetty looked at him blankly. "I'm afraid you can't. Your aliases are backstopped back to your high school days when you became high school sweethearts. It can't be changed. Eric has been working on them all morning. These names will be yours until the mission is over." She spoke firmly to Deeks leaving no room for argument. He still didn't like it.

Deeks peeked a look at Kensi and she didn't seem as bothered about their new names as he was. His mind wandered to the day Kensi had been taken away from him.

He had asked her to forget that he was Deeks and she was Kensi. She had introduced herself to him in their mock roles as Fern, and he had chosen Max. A pang surged through his heart at the memory, at the simple times they could have had. At what could have been had she not been sent away. In their game they had both cryptically admitted to each other that they were boyfriend and girlfriend. How he wished that were still true. He missed her more now, right beside him, than when she had been away.

Hetty explained the mission in more detail with Deeks trying hard to pay attention while his mind was trying to accept the fact that he and Kensi were going to be once again playing a married couple. He looked at the ground as a sudden wave of nausea overtook him. How was he going to pull this off? He wanted Kensi more than anything but he knew it couldn't, wouldn't happen. Too much had passed between them for anything to work. Right at that moment, he wished his darkness would swallow him up and take him away.


	8. Chapter 8

**Thanks again to Tinkerbella7** **who keeps encouraging me to keep going with this. Your help and encouragement mean so much to me. Thanks for your AWESOMENESS. Thanks too to all the reviews. They make my day and make me think of where I am heading with this. Sometimes it may seem like some things should not happen, but all will be revealed. **

**Now I have to confess to struggling with this chapter (and the next) but I got through it and it is actually MUCH longer than I expected it to be. Hope you all enjoy. **

* * *

Chapter 8

Kensi and Deeks were both given an hour to go home, collect their personal effects and be back at OSP. It didn't take that long for Deeks. He threw a few clothes into a bag, knowing that they would be fully outfitted for their roles in their new home. New home. He was going to be sharing a home with Kensi. He wanted to, yet he didn't want to. If things had been like they were before she had gone away he would have been whooping for joy. Now though, he felt an overwhelming sadness, punctuated by _maybe_ a tiny glimmer of hope. Could this just maybe be what they needed?

The last thing Deeks grabbed before he left his real home was the one prized possession he knew he would need on this mission. The one thing that he could count on to always be there for him. Monty. He figured they were after a man who used a pet shop as a front for arms dealing, then having a dog would only help their case. Plus, if things became too strained with Kensi, he could always take Monty for lots of walks. He was sure Monty wouldn't mind that. He collected his collar and lead, leaving his doggie bed. He had to have a reason to shop at the pet store in the morning.

"How about it Monty? A nice new fancy doggie bed for you, compliments of Hetty." He chuckled at the thought. One for Monty and Deeks.

Taking his bag in his hand, he looked around the living room. He didn't know how long he would be gone for, but maybe leaving the memories from here, even for a short while would be a good thing. Granted he had to go somewhere else and had to spend it with Kensi, but it was the unknown. Here he remembered everything. Kensi watching TV, Kensi eating dinner, Kensi bringing him a cronut, Kensi in his bed. He groaned at the memory wiping his hand down his face. He closed his eyes and saw her in his mind and a lump formed in his chest. Even if stayed here, Kensi now was not like the Kensi that had spent the night with him here so many months ago. Here was always a reminder. Yep, it was best to get out of here for a few days.

As he walked up the path to his car he realised he would also be leaving his dark moments behind. Would they surface at the mission house? He hoped not. As an undercover married couple they would be sharing the same bed and he did not want Kensi to know about his nightmares and troubles.

And there it was, another problem that faced him, them. He would have to share a bed with Kensi. He'd done it before, surely he could do it again. Last time though, he often found himself cradling her in his sleep, his arm tucked around her comfortably, naturally. How was he going to stop himself doing that while unconscious? It was almost instinct. It was going to be difficult.

"So, Monty," he said to his dog now sitting in the front seat, his doggie harness safely secure. "How does it feel to be going undercover with daddy hey?" He reached over and scratched the dogs head and Monty licked his hand. "We haven't done this for a while now. You'll have fun, I promise." Getting to spend his work with Monty instead of putting him in a Kennel was a nice change. And it would help as a distraction of being alone with Kensi.

Back at OSP Deeks was waiting for Kensi to arrive and read the mission report. Sam and Callen would be there as back up, Callen as one of the guards on the gated community entrance, and Sam would be a security maintenance man. He would be doing routine maintenance on security systems on every house in the community, checking for added intel and contacts in direct communication with the suspects. In his head he planned what needed to be done. First step in the morning would be a trip to the pet store that was suspected as being the cover for the criminal activity. But before that, they had to settle into their new home. He swallowed hard at the thought. He wanted this, he didn't want this. He couldn't decide which one it was that he really did want.

"How's it looking," He heard Kensi ask over his shoulder and he tensed, nearly dropping the folder he was reading from.

"Yeah, it's looking okay. It shouldn't take too long to get this finalised," Deeks said. Again, he didn't know if he wanted this to be a quick mission or one to linger on for weeks. What a difference a few months and a botched up mission made to his thinking. Before, he would be happy to string this out for a month. Heck, even longer.

"Oh?" Kensi said quietly, disappointment obvious in her voice. And that wasn't helping him. Her mixed messages seemed to have escalated to an all time high, confusing him even more. He looked up at the roof of the bullpen then closed his eyes as if to draw strength. He counted to five before looking back down, but she had moved.

"Monty," she cried out, seeing Monty for the first time since walking in. "Hello fella," she crouched down and began to ruffle the dog's shaggy coat. "I've missed you."

Deeks looked down at Kensi and his dog. Monty was lapping up the attention Kensi was showing him, wagging his tail and giving his doggie kisses away freely. '_Way to go Monty_,' Deeks thought. '_Jump ship as soon as she shows you affection_.' Obviously he had missed her as much as Deeks had and he was unaware of the tension between them. It was a dogs life for him.

"So why is Monty here?" she asked standing up to look at Deeks. She was too close, standing too close to him. He could smell her uniqueness and sunshine and the look in her eyes began to unravel him. He stepped back and he noticed the smallest hint of a smile on her face.

"I…. I figured…. Well, seeing…." He stopped and took a breath to calm himself.

"What happened while I was away, did you lose your ability to talk non stop?" she teased. She took a step closer bringing her back to where she was a moment ago. He nearly sat back onto his desk as he tried to move back again.

Deeks glared at her. First she mentions having been away and then she mocks him and tried to unsettle him, which she was successful at. "Seeing the front is a pet store, we should have a pet," he finished quickly in a biting tone.

She pretended not to notice his tone. "That's good thinking. Though we could have pretended we wanted to buy a new pet." She looked down at Monty. "But having Monty there will be good." She leaned down to give him another hug. "I love having Monty around." She looked up and smiled at Deeks and he smiled back. He knew it was a weak smile, one that didn't reach his eyes. It was all he could manage and he was pretty sure Kensi noticed because she looked away suddenly.

Callen and Sam walked in at that point, taking in the scene in front of them. Callen looked at Sam and raised an eyebrow. The team leader knew what was going on here and he hoped they would be able to manage their animosity well enough to execute the mission. It would be dangerous, and he trusted his junior agents could put aside their differences to make this work. Their safety depended on it. He wondered at Hetty's insistence of using them for this mission. Secretly though, he also hoped this particular mission would go towards healing the rift between them. He hoped it was possible. He had his own opinions on the whole debacle and if it needed his intervention, he was ready to give it. But he would give them time first.

They discussed plans for the next few days before it was time to leave. Callen and Sam weren't required to start till the next morning, but Kensi and Deeks were to leave right away and set up in their new home. Their story was that they were subletting the house from the previous tenant who needed to vacate quickly due to work commitments taking them interstate.

They walked out to the parking lot to find a bran new car, provide to them by Hetty. It was a silver Mercedes-Benz S-Class. Deeks whistled softly when he saw it. This could be fun after all.

"I think I better drive this one," he said, his voice almost in awe. He slid his hand up the side of the car admiring the finish. He opened the door and looked inside surprised at the luxury he found.

"No way, I'm driving." Kensi said defiantly. Both of them were looking at the car in amazement and neither of them had noticed Hetty joining them.

"Mr Deeks will drive the car, Miss Blye. He is a top class accountant in this assignment and it would look somewhat odd to have you driving him around." Deeks looked at Kensi in triumph, squashing the urge to poke his tongue out at her and he almost saw her pouting. Normally he would have had a quick comeback but not this time. Hetty looked down and saw Monty. "And make sure you put something on the seat if Monty is going to be travelling with you. And don't scratch it."

Hetty reached down to pat Monty fondly on the head before turning away. Almost as an afterthought she turned and looked at them until she had their full attention. Speaking with authority she said, "Max and Fern are very much in love. Please remember that and try to act accordingly." This time Hetty made a quick escape, leaving Deeks open mouthed in shock at her comment.

Deeks felt the anger rise towards his diminutive boss when she spoke those words. It felt as if she was mocking him, punishing him, even threatening him. She always seemed to have her finger on the pulse, knew everything. Could she not sense the divide between Kensi and himself? Wouldn't she know all about what had happened and the result of everything she had thrust upon them? That was the kicker. SHE was the one who had made all this happen. She was the one who he would always blame for the events that had changed his life with Kensi. And now she was only making things worse. She could even be putting them in a dangerous situation if their trust wasn't up to par.

"You ready?" Kensi asked him. Kensi could feel the vibes coming from Deeks and her spirit plummeted. He really didn't want to be on this mission and she had to admit that she could understand the reason behind it. First chance she got she would have to tell him she was sorry. But she had to wait until a time that she felt he would believe her. Simply telling him '_hey Deeks, guess what, I believe you now, I'm sorry_,' was not going to cut it. Until she sorted things through her own head, accepted completely what had happened, she wasn't going to be able to talk to him about it. That's where Nate would help her, and she didn't know how she was going to be able to do that now that they were on this mission. Before she didn't want to see Nate, now she thought it was vital that she did. Perhaps she could call him and talk, even though it wouldn't be the same.

"Sure," Deeks answered her dispiritedly. He climbed into the driver's seat, sinking into the plush leather seats. Their differences forgotten for a moment as he sighed at the sensation of sitting behind the wheel of this car. "Hetty sure outdid herself this time," Deeks said as he watched Kensi putting a blanket down for Monty to sit on.

"Yeah, it's nice isn't it?" Kensi answered, running her hands over the leather as she climbed into her seat. Even she had never been in a car with this much luxury before. "I wonder what the house is like."

"If the car is anything to go by, it will be a mansion." Good more space for them to keep apart, he thought.

"Maybe we should pick up some food before we get there. It'll be late and neither of us would feel like cooking. Not sure what food will be in the house, but it will probably be stocked fairly well. I still wouldn't feel like cooking." Kensi finished, knowing she was babbling.

"Sure," he said, thinking Kensi wouldn't be the one doing the cooking anyway. "What do you feel like?" he asked, praying she didn't answer with Tacos or French food. He grimaced at the memories that evoked.

She shrugged. "I don't know. How about some Italian? For a change? You like Italian don't you?"

He nodded his head. "Sounds good," he said to her, surprised by her choice. It was something he liked, not her. She called ahead to a restaurant close to their new neighbourhood as Deeks drove and he stopped to pick it up.

He looked about the neighbourhood, as Kensi went into the restaurant, taking in the cleanliness of the area. This was definitely up market and he liked the look of it. It might be quite comfortable living here, for whatever length of time they were there. He imagined the parks would be immaculately kept and wondered if they would be even allowed to take Monty walking there. He would add that to the things to ask the pet store in the morning. The more casual and average they sounded, the less suspicion they would likely arouse. Deeks was also getting excited because he knew this area was an expensive beach side suburb and he hoped they would be close to the beach. He hadn't packed his surfboard but that could be remedied over the coming days.

It was only five minutes from the Italian restaurant and Deeks was pulling up at the gate of the community they were going to be living in. Perfectly manicured gardens and imposing houses were visible as they stopped the car at the entrance which was manned 24 hours a day. He wondered what kind of people actually lived in a place that had such tight security and he guessed maybe sports stars and A grade movie stars, as well as the rich and otherwise famous people. The type of people he was supposed to be managing the books for, his clients.

Just listening to the car purr made Deeks feel like he belonged in this neighbourhood. He looked over at Kensi as she was looking around in awe at the houses in front of them. He looked down at her hand as they waited for the security guard to talk to them. The engagement and wedding rings she wore on her third finger oozed extravagance. Hetty must have given her those as he left to pack his clothes. She looked like a kid at Christmas time waiting for the presents to be handed out as she looked around. Deeks finally showed his ID to the guard on duty, knowing tomorrow it would be Callen, before driving on, into what he was sure was going to be a minefield of emotions.

Their GPS guided them flawlessly to the house. It would have looked a little unusual if they didn't know which house they had sublet. When he used the remote to open the front gates, they both gasped.

"Oh My Goodness Deeks, will you look at this place," Kensi said in awe. It was more extravagant than she had ever seen before.

"I know right, it's amazing. And we can only see the front so far."

It was getting dark now and the house, or mini mansion more like it, he thought, was now lit in soft yellow lighting, rebounding off the palm trees at the front of the house giving off a green glow through the leaves. The driveway led to three garage doors to the left side of the house and he pressed the remote again and watched one of the garage doors open silently. He drove the car in through the open door and parked, turning off the ignition once inside. They both just sat in complete awe of where they were.

Deeks turned the car off and Monty barked. "Yeah, boy, I know, it's a little out of your comfort zone too isn't it?" Even the garage was immaculate.

"Should we?" Deeks asked Kensi, all discomfort between them forgotten for the moment.

"I think we should," she answered. Deeks could hear the excitement in her voice as she climbed out of the car eagerly. Her excitement heightened his and he opened the door in anticipation.

No sooner had he left the car and Deeks cried out with a happy "Yes!" He could hear the ocean and knew it had to be close by. He itched to take a look but he held himself back. He saw Kensi smiling at him. "What?"

"You! Something has made you smile," she said. She hadn't seen a real smile on him in a long time. Not since the moment she had admitted 'their thing'.

"I can hear the ocean," he said simply. He tried to dampen down his excitement but it didn't work. Kensi could hear it in his voice and smiled at him.

"Well then beach boy, let's take a look and see how close we are."

They closed the garage door and entered the house from within the garage. They walked straight down a hallway that led into a large family room type area. Deeks was not interested in checking out the house and left Kensi to bound up the stairs to the balcony he had spied as he had walked in. He unlocked the glass sliding doors and walked out.

He had never expected this when Hetty said they were going undercover. They could have been going anywhere, but this was beyond amazing. He never dreamed he would be so close to the ocean in such utter luxury. The water lapped the beach which edged right on to their back fence. The fact that the most glorious of pools was also in the yard was wasted on Deeks. All he saw was the ocean. Now he wished this assignment was going to take months to finish. Any spare time they had away from working the mission, he could spend in the ocean, alleviating the anxiety of having to spend it with Kensi if things were awkward. He would have preferred to be sharing it with Kensi, but that wasn't going to happen.

He breathed in the ocean air and let its healing powers try and do its work on him. If there was one thing that would help him, this was it.

"Are you coming to eat?" Kensi asked suddenly. She had stood at the top of the stairs leaning against the wall watching him take in the fact that he was near the beach. Her heart had skipped a beat as she watched his almost childlike appreciation of what he saw in front of him. She hoped being there would make him relax, because she knew relaxing was what he needed more than anything. She could tell his demons were back and she knew she was one of those demons which pained her more than anything. She wanted to go to him, to put her arms around his waist and tell him everything. It wasn't the right time yet. It didn't stop her from wanting it though.

"What? Oh, yeah." He almost resented that he had to go inside. "Sure, let's eat."

They went down to the kitchen and found some plates. Now he was finally looking around the house, or the parts they had been in. "This place is sure something else isn't it?"

"I have never been in a place like this before, let alone stayed in one. I'm going to get lost."

"With your tracking skills, you won't get lost," Deeks teased. "Hey, where's Monty?" he suddenly asked. In his excitement to see the ocean he had forgotten his buddy.

"It's okay, he's in the den. I put him in there till we take a look around, see where he can and can't go."

"Good thinking. I do think I might get lost in here though. I'm not Tonto, like you," Deeks said, again teasing Kensi about her ability to track anything. "I might need sticky notes up to remind me where I am. Honestly, I have never imagined a place like this. Do you think Hetty is trying to bribe us or something?"

Kensi looked at Deeks as she handed him his meal. "Deeks," she said to get his attention. "Is there something going on with Hetty that I should know about?"

He really didn't want to bring up the how's and why's of his relationship with Hetty right at the moment. If he did he would have to talk about her leaving, having to go to Afghanistan and the things that happened over there. No, he didn't want to talk about that. Not so soon after arriving in this place where he felt finally a little happier than he had for a long time. He didn't know if he was ready or if he would be able to talk about the whole affair. It was so involved, like an intricate tangled web that he couldn't escape from.

"Let's just say we aren't on the best of terms right now, and leave it at that for now." He looked up into her eyes and felt the familiar pang of longing, quickly pushing it away. "Please."

Kensi nodded. She could sense there was some sort of animosity between Deeks and Hetty and he didn't want to share with her now for whatever reason. She could guess that it had to do with her and as he wasn't yet ready, neither was she. Funny though, she felt they probably shared their opinion of their boss right now. There was a lot that Kensi blamed Hetty for and the thought made her angry again. She quickly pushed it aside, not wanting her anger to spoil the reluctant peace they shared.

Deeks felt the brief tension in Kensi at his words and thought that maybe she blamed Hetty as much as he did. He frowned to himself as he ate trying to make sense of everything. Kensi was sending him so many mixed signals his head was beginning to spin. He was finding himself not knowing what to talk to Kensi about and that was just not like him. Not like them. Normally he was quick with a comeback or he would always have something to say to her. Right now though he was lost for words and he couldn't see that changing any time soon. From the time they had left OSP he felt the mood between them was not as it normally was.

Kensi noticed Deeks's lack of conversational skills with her and it hurt. It hurt her that he would treat her like that, but it hurt more that she knew that it was her that had caused him to be like that. She knew exactly why he didn't want to talk to her. During their dinner she had wanted to start the conversation numerous times. She wanted to tell him about Jack, that she was wrong, but the words would not come out. They felt stuck inside her head and she didn't know how she was going to get them out. How was she ever going to get through this? She knew she needed help. Looking around the house, she knew there was a lot of space for her to escape his company and right now she needed some space from him, even if it was only for a while.

"I think I might head to bed," she announced suddenly, picking up her plate and washing it in the sink.

"Yeah, Okay." Deeks answered, surprised at her sudden withdrawal. He didn't look up as she walked away. It was probably best that they head up there at different times. Bed was going to be the most difficult part of this assignment. "Do me a favour Fern," he said to her using her alias as she headed towards the stairs. "If the bedroom is looking out over the ocean, can I have the window side of the bed?" he asked her, watching her walk away finally.

She looked at him and smiled. A genuine smile that he missed so much. "Sure thing Max. I can do that for you." And she turned and walked out of his sight.

Deeks busied himself feeding Monty then taking him out the back for a quick walk. He wandered to the beach and stepped onto the sand. He knew he probably shouldn't wander away from Kensi while undercover, but the lure of the ocean was strong. He doubted their cover would be blown on the first night of the mission. He sat on the sand watching Monty run around in the dark, illuminated by the almost full moon. This part of the mission he could accept without question, the object of the mission he knew they could achieve, it wasn't too difficult. Being here with Kensi was another matter. He felt like he was splitting down the middle, one half of him despising that he was here with her, unable to grasp that she still blamed him for everything that happened, the result of which was making him fall deeper into his dark world. The other half of him secretly hoped Kensi had changed her mind, she wanted him again and things could go on as they had before. As much as he wanted that, his other half scoffed at him. Even if there was a chance, it was going to take a lot for him to begin to turn things back to the way they were. It would take a lot for her to earn back his trust.

He stood up sadly brushing the sand off his legs. He had to face things and the first thing was going to their bedroom. He sighed, deeply. He could do this, he was a top class undercover operator after all. He could set all his differences aside and make this happen. He called Monty and headed back to the house. Might as well get this over with. The first night would surely be the worst.


	9. Chapter 9

**Again, thanks for all the wonderful reviews. I was very grateful for each and every one of them. **

**Thanks again to Tinkerbella7 who gave me some tips and ideas for this chapter. Couldn't do this without you. **

**Enjoy everyone. I hope so. **

Chapter 9

Kensi was pleased she had escaped when she had. The way Deeks spoke to her, or didn't speak to her, had unsettled her. He wasn't acting like the fun loving, funny guy that she knew before she went away. And in all honesty, who could blame him, she thought to herself. She had done this to him. The only person to blame was herself. She didn't know how she was ever going to be able to fix this. There was no one to talk to because the one person she trusted most in the world was the one whose trust she had destroyed. If only she had relied on that trust a few short weeks ago instead of dismissing it so easily.

Finding the master bedroom had been easy enough. Upstairs with the sweeping views of the ocean beyond the glass sliding doors leading to a large balcony, complete with reclining lounges and table and chairs most likely used to eat breakfast from or a relaxing drink at the end of the day, she thought. She looked down at the pool, still illuminated with lights of blue and yellow hues. It was inviting but she was too tired to even think about going for a swim. Maybe tomorrow evening.

Kensi was amazed at the luxury in the main bedroom, from the size of the room itself, the large exotically tiled bathroom and the spacious walk in wardrobe. The whole house radiated money and she was surprised that Hetty had approved such extravagance. She looked at the bed in the middle of the room covered with what looked like an expensive bed setting, so soft to the touch as she ran her fingers over the cover. Monty better not have designs on jumping on this bed. Upstairs would be out of bounds for him.

The bed was large, King size, she guessed, but still she worried about sharing it with Deeks. She knew she wanted to curl up in his arms, plant soft kisses on his shoulder, his collar bone, his chin, before kissing him soundly on the lips. She missed him so much, even though he was just down the stairs. She thought about their one night together and felt herself blushing at the memory. It had been everything she had imagined it would be and more, so much more. She felt herself warm merely at the memory of the two of them together and ached for the day they would share those feelings again. Deeks had treated her so delicately, something she was not accustomed to, making her every dream come true, and more. His caresses, his kisses, his gentle words of desire. She sighed to herself. That was not going to happen tonight or any night in the near future.

She prepared for bed then stood at the edge. Deeks had requested that he have the side that faced the window so he could see the ocean. She owed him that much, but it was also the right side that she always slept on. Shaking her head, she decided on sleeping on the left side and walked around the bed, a small concession after what she had and was still putting him through. Besides, she ended up all over the bed anyway. She stopped abruptly at that thought. Hopefully that wouldn't happen this week. It could be awkward.

Sleep surprisingly came to her easily and she didn't even hear Deeks come into the room. He walked in and found her on the side of the bed he knew she didn't like to sleep on, curled up in the foetal position, and he raised an eyebrow in surprise. She had given him what he had requested even though she had once told him she couldn't sleep on the left side. A little bit of consideration from Kensalina he thought to himself. That was unexpected.

He walked to the bathroom to change and felt his anxiety levels begin to rise. He looked at his reflection in the large mirror and saw a tired man. Tired of all the strain his life was under at the moment. He didn't want Kensi to witness one of his full blown nightmares and the aftermath. He turned away from his troubled image. After changing, he walked to the edge of the bed and looked at her sleeping form and an ache deep within him formed, causing a small moan to escape his lips. How he wanted everything to be back to the way it was before she went away.

Deeks ran his hand though his hair in frustration before scratching his chin and closing his eyes to remember. The way they had always laughed and always wanted to be with each other. The times they spent relaxing after work, sharing a beer and pizza. Surfing together on a hot summer's day. Watching Monty running down the beach chasing birds. Eating ice-cream whenever she felt down or stressed. Car-pooling, donuts, banter, coffee, stakeouts, sugary food, and all the things that were Kensi and him. He wanted to do all those things while walking along and holding her hand in his, talking about anything and everything, something they never got a chance to experience before she was stolen away.

He still wanted all those things, he wanted them desperately. Looking down at her again, he knew he still loved her.

He sat on the edge of the bed and watched as she breathed steadily in her sleep and his fingers itched to reach over and touch her. He wanted to run his fingers through her hair but he knew that would only cause him more heartache. His heart already felt like it was broken into pieces. If only he could make her trust him again. If only he could move passed what had happened in that blasted cave in Afghanistan and he could trust her. He let out a breath of irony. It was more than Afghanistan and he knew it.

Standing suddenly, Deeks knew he couldn't lay there next to her waiting for sleep and his dreams to claim him. He walked to the wardrobe and found a jacket, putting it on before walking to the sliding door and silently pulling it open. Maybe he could sit out here until he was so tired, sleep would come easily and peacefully when he came back inside. He chose the lounge to sit on and putting his feet up he sat, watching and listening to the mesmerising ocean, illuminated brightly by the moon that night, his thoughts tumbling over each other as he tried to relax. Sleep was not coming easily and even in this relaxing setting it was hours before he finally drifted off to sleep in the early hours of the morning, still on the balcony.

His nightmares only happened every couple of days or so and Deeks hoped the same would hold true. In the fresh ocean air he slept soundly for some time before the usual darkness began taking him back to places he didn't want to go to. The dream from the night before returned, almost identical to the previous dream and had him tossing about. The same mist, the same bodiless hands, the same restraints on the chair, the chair that had haunted him. The only difference was this time it was a knife, not gunfire that was being thrown in his direction, Kensi's knife. When he jolted awake, covered in a cold sweat, he expected to find Kensi next to him looking at him questioningly before realising he wasn't even in a bed. The sun was shining brightly and he was still on the balcony overlooking the ocean. He looked at his watch as he tried to regain normal breathing. It was 8-00am.

* * *

Kensi woke with a start as her dream turned nasty, her breathing rapid and her pulse rate escalating to unheralded levels. She reached out to Deeks instinctively only to find the bed empty. Her dream quickly forgotten, she opened her eyes widely and looked over at the other side of the bed. It was empty and hadn't been slept in. Her heart dropped, realising Deeks hadn't even joined her. Were things so bad between them? They were undercover, he was supposed to be there. Forget the problems they were having, he was supposed to be working a cover.

She sighed. Being undercover had nothing to do with it. Her heart ached because he had chosen not to sleep next to her. Repairing the damage between them seemed to be more insurmountable than she had thought and it pained her. A lone tear escaped her eye at the realisation. Could she have lost Deeks forever?

She climbed out of bed and realised something wasn't right. The glass door was ajar and she knew it hadn't been last night. Maybe Deeks had opened it. But why would he if he hadn't even slept in here. She looked at the almost sheer curtains and realised someone was out there. Agent mode kicked in and she crept over to check the balcony.

Seeing Deeks sound asleep on the lounge broke her resolve. Sadness filled her heart and mind as she watched him sleeping peacefully. Why would he choose to sleep out there? She knew he loved the ocean, but this was taking it to the extreme. She watched him as he slept, his breathing becoming a little less steady, and his arms and legs began to twitch. Was he having a nightmare? Was he really suffering from everything like he had before? Guilt flooded Kensi at the thought that it could be her fault that this nightmare in his life was resurfacing. She was never going to be able to fix this.

Instead of going to Deeks like she usually would have, she did what she knew she could do so well. She ran. She turned on her heel and closed the thought of Deeks and his troubles from her mind. The burden of knowing she was hurting him and not being able to fix it instantly made her mind swirl with self doubt. She showered and dressed quickly while her mind filled with thoughts, none of which brought her any closer to resolving her relationship with Deeks. Without a glance in his direction on the balcony she escaped the bedroom, running downstairs breathing a little easier as she got further away.

She felt ashamed with the way she was acting. Pacing the kitchen floor, her mind continued to race. Maybe if she just told Deeks how she felt. Maybe if she admitted to him that he had been right and she had been wrong, so very wrong. No, she shook her head. It was much more than simply being right or wrong. It was now all about trust, and the trust she had valued so much and had broken. She wanted to scream with the anger and frustration she felt. Not at Deeks. At herself. She had no one to blame but herself.

All the incredibly brave things that Deeks had done over the years of being her partner jumped into her mind. Walking outside and sitting on the deck chair beside the pool, she couldn't stop her mind from playing over the many things he had done. Not only in their working situation, in which she found him the bravest, and she wished she told him more often. The torture that he had survived the previous spring had been the epitome of his bravery when it came to work and she felt uneasy when recalling all that had transpired that time. If she had her time over again, she would definitely play that episode in time differently.

But it wasn't just his bravery in his work that she wished she could acknowledge to him. She wished she had realised much sooner how hard he had worked to make things between them become real. How he had always been the one to try, and he always looked out for her. She demanded he communicate, yet he had already been doing that, in his own special way. Every flirty comment, every tease, touch, banter and expression of care, was his way of communicating. What did she give him in return but to push him back, hold him at arm's length.

When he had kissed her on the top of the hill that fateful day, he had been communicating exactly how he felt about her, just as she had asked him to do. Yet despite knowing she had little choice but to follow Michelle on that day, she had never brought the topic up again, afraid of what he would tell her, afraid of the very communication she had asked him to give. She asked him for it, but did she really want the reply? She had called him out on having bad communication skills and he had thrown it back at her saying it was her who didn't communicate. He had been right.

She had called him out on not communicating that evening when he took her for Tacos, instead taking her on a date at a fancy French restaurant without asking her. She had never acknowledged the fact that he had been the one to initiate that date, which led to him finally telling her how he felt about her and that he wanted to be with her. She hadn't given him the credit for realising how difficult that might have been for him to do, to take a chance and tell her how he was feeling despite the chance of her possibly rejecting his advances.

She'd been scared, she admitted that, but when he had told her he wanted to be at his place, with her, she knew what he meant. It took but a brief moment for her to accept that she wanted that too. Every time she thought of that night, the one night they had to spend together and feel loved and give love before real life had interfered again, she groaned and now was no different. Her whole body warmed and tingled at the thought of that night and she wanted nothing else but to fix everything between them so they could share that, and a whole lot more. The way she had acted the next day had her crawling into her shell again, believing that the two of them together was not going to work.

When he had not reacted and taken the shot to neutralise the subject of their mission simply because he was holding her hostage, she had reacted so uncharacteristically. She buried her head in her hands and let out a sob as she recalled punching him in the face, an inexcusable act. She had never apologised to him for that, and so many other things she should have apologised for. If it had been him, she knew he would apologise to her right away because he always owned his mistakes. If only she could be like him.

So Deeks had not taken that shot. He was protecting her and it had been the first act of violence they had faced since they officially became a couple and he had worried about her. What was so wrong with that? Why had she over reacted? Instead of cutting him some slack, she had attacked him. She had made him feel so guilty about what he had done that he was willing to take huge risks to prove himself worthy to her and it had almost gotten him killed. She wasn't sure if he knew that she had broken protocol the time she had raced in ahead of Callen's call to save him, but it had made her feel like a hypocrite, a feeling she carried all the way to Afghanistan in the many means of transport it took to get her there.

Tears prickled the back of her eyelids as she thought about all these things and she realised the mixed messages she sent Deeks on a daily basis. She realised that he was always putting himself and his feelings out there for her, but she couldn't reciprocate those same feelings. If she put herself out there for him, she might get hurt. But it was him who was putting his feelings on the line for her and she had hurt him. She was doing to him what she expected to happen to her. All the while he had done nothing to hurt her in any way, treating her only like the most special person in his life being kind and calm and loving and giving. Why couldn't she do the same for him? Why was it so hard for her?

Needing a break, she grabbed Monty's lead and walked out to him and headed for a walk along the beach. It cleared her head only a little and by the time she got back she felt no more at peace with herself than when she left. How would she ever be able to mend things? She needed help, she needed Nate. Somehow she was going to see him. But for now, she would make a start on breakfast. They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Maybe she could go a small part of the way by making breakfast. It was time to get into character. She was going to be Fern.

* * *

Kensi would probably be awake long before now, Deeks thought, maybe gone for a run, or taken Monty for a walk or even gone for a swim. He looked longingly at the ocean from his spot as he stretched his body out after a night on the lounge. He was surprised at how comfortable it had been. The sun was up now and the jacket was far too warm. He shrugged out of it as he stood. He tried to recall the dream and remembered the knife, Kensi's knife. He would have to return that to her. It meant nothing between them anymore and belonged to her. He didn't know what it meant to be dreaming about the knife. No doubt it had some psychological meaning that he wouldn't be able to fathom. Maybe Nate could tell him.

He decided on a shower to clear his head. The lingering after effects of his nightmares always dulled him for some time afterwards. Before long he was showered, dressed and walking down the stairs to find Kensi.

"Fern! Fern, where are you?" he called out. As he walked around the house looking for Kensi, he was again amazed at the luxury of this house. He was going to have to explore a little. "Fern!" he called out a little louder.

"In the kitchen Max," he heard her calling out in a sing song voice. She sounded like she had managed to get enough sleep, unlike him.

He walked to the kitchen and stopped suddenly at the sight in front of him. Standing at the stove he saw Kensi dressed in a soft pink sun dress, an apron around her waist as she cooked something on the stovetop. He blinked, surely he was imagining it. No, he wasn't. When he opened his eyes again he saw Kensi was cooking.

"What, are, you, doing?" he asked her warily.

"Good morning to you too honey," she said, obviously in character, but he liked it. She never called him honey.

"Sorry, good morning. But, what are you doing?" He still couldn't believe the sight before his eyes.

"I'm cooking breakfast. I hope you are hungry."

"But…. You don't cook."

"When you are in a military camp in the middle of nowhere, you don't have a chef or a cafeteria, you quickly learn the basics of cooking. It was either that or starve." She told him.

The reference of Afghanistan tore at him again, but he was also impressed. He had noticed she had put back on some of the weight she had lost while away and she looked healthier again. "Fern, we could have a bug problem in this house," he asked, concerned at her reference to Afghanistan.

"It's okay, I have done a sweep and it's all clear. No bugs of any sort," she told him simply.

He nodded. "What are we eating today then?" he asked, trying to dismiss the thought of her mission.

Kensi was visibly disappointed in his dismissal of the fact that she could now cook. Granted, only basic cooking, but it was a start. She shrugged off the disappointment. This was really going to be hard work. "Bacon, eggs and pancakes."

"Seriously? You cooked that?" He had picked up on her disappointment and tried to fix it. "That's awesome Fern. It looks great." He poured himself a coffee and sat down after she shooed his attempts of help away. "Never thought I would see the day you would cook. I'm impressed," he added.

"Hope you like it," she said to him as she put his plate down in front of him, feeling a tiny touch of pride that she had impressed him.

"It looks amazing." He began to eat the food in front of him, surprised at how good it was. "Fern, I am surprised, this is really delicious."

"What? I am a woman of many talents," she said, laughing.

"That you are," Deeks answered her, taking a sip of his coffee.

She looked down at her plate so she could avoid his eyes when she spoke. "Max," she said firmly, to get his attention. "We really need to talk."

Deeks knew what she meant and sighed dramatically. He didn't know if he wanted to hear what she had to say and she probably wouldn't want to hear what was on his mind. "Yeah, we do. But not now." At her frown he continued. "The mission has to come first."

"Oh, yeah, of course." This was never going to happen, she thought to herself.

Taking a steadying breath before he continued, he looked directly into her eyes. "Ke…Fern, I know we'll get through this. We've been through too much together for us not to work it out. When the time is right, we'll talk. Things might never be like they were, but we'll get through this."

"Okay Max, but let's not wait too long."

Deeks nodded sadly. He knew they had to talk but he really didn't know if he was ready yet, if he wanted to hear what she had to say, to have her accusing him of something he knew was so right.

Breakfast over, Deeks went to look for Monty. "He's out the back running around. I took him for a walk this morning but he has a fully fenced yard here, he can run around outdoors all he wants," Kensi told him.

"Well he's going to love that. He won't want to leave the place." He wasn't the only one. This whole setting was enough to make Deeks crave a lifestyle like this. The relaxation, the luxury. He wasn't usually someone impressed by material gains, but this felt different to him. "So we are going to the pet store this morning?"

"Yep, sounds like the best plan. Just let me get a jacket."

"Good idea, I don't want the bad men checking out my wifey," Deeks yelled at her, reminiscent of the last married undercover job they had done. He felt like he was living two lives while he was here. His own troubled dark life and the carefree Max. The two personalities seemed to mingle in his head more than all the other times he went undercover.

* * *

**Hoping things will start to happen in the next chapter. Had to fill in some time to get there. Thanks for reading.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Again thanks for all the wonderful reviews. They make my day. Thanks again Tinkerbella7, you are my cheer squad as I write this. Means the world to me. Hope you enjoy this chapter everyone.**

Chapter 10

The pet store was located about five minutes away in a top class shopping mall. As they drove out of the community, they waved at Callen sitting by the gate, looking utterly bored with his part in the mission. "You guys have it easy on this case." Callen had said.

"Easy? What are you talking about?" Deeks retorted, as their car purred beside the sentry Callen sat in. "We are the ones doing all the hard work." He laughed at Callen's expression before driving away feeling pretty pleased with himself in their fancy car.

The pet store was immaculate and Deeks worried about Monty coming inside even though there were many other animals for sale in there. A young girl sat behind the counter reading a pet magazine as they entered and she didn't seem to mind them bringing another dog inside.

"Can I help you with something?" she asked them in a bright cheery voice as she put her magazine down on the counter.

"We are just looking for a bed for our little guy here. We've just moved here and decided a new bed would be appropriate for him," Kensi said to the young girl. "We can't bring his old shabby one to our beautiful new home."

"Oh you are new here?" the girl asked, which had been Kensi's intent.

"Yes, we have moved into the house the Mitchum's lived in, at the estate by the beach. We are the Gilberts. I'm Fern, and this is my husband Max. And this guy down here is Monty," she said crouching down to give Monty some affectionate cuddles, which he accepted with his tail wagging and a kiss on Kensi's cheek.

"Nice to meet you," the girl said, smiling down at Monty. "I know that place you moved in to. My uncle lives in that estate."

"Your uncle? We'll have to make sure we say hello to him, won't we honey?" Kensi said taking Deeks by the arm and looking up at him batting her eyelashes at him playfully.

"We sure will. It would be a good idea to be on good terms with the pet store owner. With Monty here, I'm sure we'll be back often," he smiled

"He lives in number 52. But he has nothing to do with the store. He visits here now and then, talks to my dad, and then goes again." She leaned a little closer to Deeks, and Kensi thought she was flirting with him. "He's not my favourite uncle." Deeks raised one eyebrow questioningly, but she figured she had revealed a little too much. "Anyway, here are the dog beds. Take your time and please, feel free to look around," she said and left them to choose.

Between the two of them they snooped around the store as much as they could. It wasn't easy without knowing exactly what they were looking for until Kensi asked the young shop assistant if she could use the bathroom. That was when something suspicious was found. As she walked through to the bathroom she noticed some items consistent with bomb making and cases of ammunition in a hidden storeroom. While peeking inside, a large man covered in tribal looking tattoos came through the door leading out the back. He backed in the door and locked it again giving Kensi time to get out of the storeroom just before he looked up at her. She walked through, making it impossible to explore more thoroughly.

"What are you doing in here?" he asked her menacingly.

"Hi," Kensi said meekly, projecting a timid persona. "Is the bathroom this way?" she asked pointing in the direction she had already been given. "I asked the young girl out the front if I could use the bathroom and she said to come out here."

The man looked at her suspiciously and grunted. "Yeah, that way." Kensi thanked him and continued walking.

"They have something in there," she told Deeks quietly when she came back out. I couldn't look around though because there was someone there. It might have been that girl's father which likely makes our neighbour his brother."

"What did you see?" Deeks asked in a lowered voice leading Monty along the aisles in the store, wishing he could take a look around for himself. Kensi watched his gaze drifting back thoughtfully.

"Not a lot. But enough. I think there needs to be some surveillance done there. You can bet they have security in place for when the store is not manned."

"But you can disarm any alarm my sweet," Deeks said to her, chuckling.

Kensi gasped suddenly, his hand instantly flew to where he had his gun holstered and rushed over to her only to find her gushing over a particularly cute puppy dog.

"Look at him Max. Isn't he just adorable," Kensi gushed while trying to stick her fingers through the cage to play with the small golden retriever puppy. The puppy waddled over to Kensi's hand and began to chew softly on her outstretched fingers. Monty whined beside her, obviously wanting to join the little pup.

"What about this one over here," he pointed to a chocolate Labrador puppy curled up beside the retriever. He slept on quietly while the other began leaping at Kensi playfully.

"No this one is so much prettier." Kensi insisted.

"You just love blondes, don't you Fern?" Deeks quipped playfully before he realised what he actually said and how his words could be misinterpreted. Both of them stopped abruptly. If Kensi had looked up she would have seen the surprised look in his eyes that he had uttered those words.

"Jack's hair wasn't blonde," she said before gasping at her words. She covered her mouth with her hand in surprise, her eyes wide and unblinking. Shaking her head slowly, as if she were in shock, she looked up at Deeks, apology oozing from her eyes. She had no idea why she had said that. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," was all she could say.

Deeks was furious, she could see it in his eyes as they turned a stormy blue colour. Never before had she seen that emotion on his face. She felt like she had been slapped merely by the anger she could see in his eyes. In a split second he turned and stormed out of the store dragging Monty behind him, leaving Kensi behind in shock. By the time she paid for Monty's bed he was gone.

Kensi had no idea where Deeks had gone and she felt uneasy about him being out there on his own in the mood he was in. Not sure where he would have gone she had no choice but to head back to the house. Deeks had the car keys or she would have driven around to look for him. On foot it would be pointless trying to find him. Now she had to get passed Callen to go back to the house. She could wait for Deeks by the car, but she could have been waiting for hours. The best option was to walk back home and wait.

Callen gave her the third degree when she returned on foot, but there wasn't much he could do without it looking suspicious to the neighbours. What she hadn't expected was for Callen to call Sam and have him look in on Kensi.

"What happened Kensi?" Sam asked her as Kensi paced the living room floor. Her breathing came rapidly and Sam wasn't sure if she was listening to him. It was quite possible she would hyperventilate if he didn't step in. When she came close to him in her pacing, he stepped towards her and took her by the shoulders. "Kensi Stop!"

Kensi stopped and looked up at Sam as if she had forgotten he was in the room. She wasn't thinking straight, what she had done to Deeks before was eating her up and she didn't know how to fix it. Any other relationship and this could be worked out. But to Kensi and Deeks this was a monumental issue. What on earth was she thinking when she mentioned Jack to Deeks? All she ever seemed to do lately was hurt him.

"Kensi," Sam said again, forcing her to look at him. When he was sure she was listening he spoke again. "What happened? Why is Deeks out there alone?"

"I …. I…." She shook her head. She didn't even know how to explain it to Sam. "I mentioned….. Jack."

Sam closed his eyes and took a breath. He didn't know what she had said but he knew how that would have affected his younger team member, his friend. He looked back down at Kensi. "What… did you say to him?"

Kensi explained the comment about blondes and Jack not being blonde and she could see Sam's disappointment. His face spoke volumes when he said not a word. "Sam I didn't mean it. I don't even know why I said it. It just kind of came out."

"Kensi, its time you realised you are wrong. You have to know what Deeks did in that cave was the right thing to do. He did it for the mission. But more than anything, he did it for you. For both of you." Sam said, compassion in his voice as he spoke. It was no use accusing Kensi.

"I know Sam," she whispered.

"You know?" He was surprised.

"Yeah, I've seen all the terror Jack is…. was capable of." At the look of shock in Sam's eyes she faltered. She looked down at the ground, almost embarrassed. "Nate showed me earlier this week."

"Have you told Deeks that?"

"No, not yet. I don't think I've fully processed it myself yet. And then how do I go to him and just tell him? I just can't go up to him and say you know what, you were right." She had played the scene over and over in her mind. "I'm sorry just doesn't seem enough in this case."

Sam took a couple of breaths before starting. He needed Kensi to listen to him and he had to be calm. Still holding her by the shoulders he began. "Look Kensi," he began, looking directly into her eyes. "I know you have issues from the past but you have to let them go. You can't deny yourself happiness with Deeks because you are unhappy with things you are never going to be able to change. You don't want to push him away because of your fears." He watched the turmoil in her eyes. "Live the now, not the past. Look at what's in front of you now and grasp the happiness. Make it happen."

"But I'm scared." He looked down at the floor but he made her look up again.

"Are you willing to let that fear prevent you from ever being truly happy Kensi, because if you are you will never be happy in the moment or in the future. The past is the past for a reason. It's finished. Gone. Now is what you need to grasp and the future is whatever you make of it."

"Look I don't know why Hetty put the two of you on this mission. It was ridiculous, knowing the two of you are both in a fragile state of mind. Hetty works in mysterious ways. Who knows what she was thinking. For the record, Deeks and I feel the same way about her sending you away, and also now. I think it's dangerous, but don't worry, G and I will have your backs. We'll always look out for you."

Kensi didn't try to interrupt and listened to the entire speech Sam made to her. She knew everything he was saying was right. Somehow she had to bury her past. It had made her what she was today, but it was time to actually be that person and move forward from it. She hugged Sam tightly, trying to keep her tears at bay. "Thanks Sam. You don't know how much that meant to me."

* * *

Deeks walked for at least an hour along the shoreline that began at the shopping mall. He looked up the beach realising how far he had come but rather than turn around and head back, he sat down and let Monty loose so he could have a run. He sat down on the sand and pondered what had just happened.

He was so angry. No scratch that. He was furious with Kensi. How could she say that to him after everything that had happened? Everything that wasn't even resolved yet. Jack hung between them like a ten foot wall and still she brings him up in what he thought was playful banter between them in the pet store. He hated Jack right now. He hated a dead man and it annoyed him that he felt bad about that. He shouldn't hate someone who couldn't defend themselves anymore, but he did for what it was doing to Kensi and him.

He felt Sam behind him before he saw him. Monty wagging his tail gave him away, but it could have been Callen or Kensi. He knew it would be Sam, he had been a good friend to him through this whole ordeal since Kensi had been reassigned. He unconsciously pulled Monty closer and stroked his fur. Monty leaned over to Deeks and 'kissed' his master. Monty was the constant in his life, the one thing he could count on no matter what.

"What can I do for you Sam?" He said abruptly.

"You shouldn't be out here alone."

"I have Monty," Deeks said picking up the sand in front of him with his free hand and letting the golden grains run through his fingers. It calmed him to do that. Or it was an attempt at being calm. He wasn't sure if it was working.

Sam laughed. "Yeah, Super Dog over here is going to protect you from who? He'd probably lick an assailant to death."

"Might do a better job than some people I know." They both knew who he meant.

Sam sat beside him on the sand and waited a while before he spoke. He wanted Deeks to accept he was there and he was staying there until he listened. "You still love her don't you?" he asked as they both looked out over the water. It was calm today, the complete opposite of Deeks' mood.

Deeks was shocked at the question. He had never openly admitted to anyone but Nate how he really felt about Kensi. He looked up at Sam not knowing how much he should reveal. He could see the compassion in his eyes. "What?" he murmured.

"Come on Deeks. We all know how much in love with Kensi you are, even before she went away. Stop trying to deny it to everyone. We aren't stupid. Even my daughter can see it."

A chuckle escaped from deep within him at the mention of Sam's daughter thinking he and Kensi were in love. It felt good. He smiled inwardly.

Sam continued. "So the question still stands. Do you still love Kensi?"

Deeks wondered only for a moment and knew there would only ever be one answer. He pictured Kensi in his mind and imagined what it would be like without her and shuddered. "Yeah, I still love her." He said it with conviction, not a question in his mind.

"Yeah, I knew the answer to that, I just needed to hear you finally admit it." Sam patted him on the shoulder in a brotherly way. "Well, now is your chance to show Hetty that you can work with and have a relationship with Kensi at the same time. Prove to her that no matter what's happening in your private life it will not affect your working day. Show everyone you can be professional. Look I don't know why she sent you on this mission, it was a little reckless if you ask me. But she chose you for some reason, so you have to make it work."

"You're right." Sam's words even made him wonder if maybe Hetty had sent them here to test them, see if they could work together despite anything going on in their personal lives. She had chosen a time that they were both at their lowest points and it felt like a kick in the guts to do this to them. How could that be a fair test right now?

"I am not saying you can go back to Kensi and pretend nothing has happened. You two have to talk, and during a mission might not be the best time for that to happen, but go back and be professional. I know you can do it. I have faith that you can do anything."

Deeks smiled. "Thanks Sam. You're right," he said again.

"Okay, come on, I'll give you a ride back to your car."

* * *

Deeks had gone back after that and a frantic Kensi had met him at the door as Sam waited at the front step. He felt like a marriage councillor watching over them as they reunited. Deeks held up his hand as Kensi began to apologise and she stopped. He didn't want to hear it the moment he stepped in the door. Deeks vowed to remain professional, and that is what he did and it was the way it would be during this mission.

The case was coming along well and between the four of them they had gathered evidence to prove the pet store owner was indeed dealing in arms and explosives. Kensi and Deeks had raided the pet store one evening and found everything they needed to convict the suspect. They had uncovered more than was needed to pin a long term sentence on the owner. But they needed to wait for the sale to be organised before they could swoop in meaning Kensi and Deeks had to stay undercover.

Deeks had returned to the main bedroom to sleep, although sparingly, in the bed with Kensi. Not once did he stray to the opposite side of the bed and it was frustrating Kensi. Outwardly Fern and Max were very much in love, but in private, it was a different story. Kensi knew she had to talk to Deeks and she was going to make him listen.

At night times Kensi always retired to the bedroom well before he did. He still wasn't sleeping the best, but he was sleeping. His nightmares were less frequent and Kensi never mentioned them to him. That either meant she wasn't willing to talk about any episode she may have seen, or she actually slept through them. He wasn't sure which it was. He had noticed that she seemed to be suffering from her own nightmares every now and then. Seeing he didn't sleep a lot, and when he did it was not for long, he was often awake when her nightmares began. He wanted to hold her in his arms to comfort her but his pride stopped him.

Late one evening knowing they would have no interruptions, she decided it was time for that talk. Deeks still wasn't sure if this was a good idea. Nate had spoken to him on the phone that day and he had become agitated with some of the things he was asking him. He was tired and irritable. He was feeding Monty when she came into the room.

"Deeks, we really need to talk," she started firmly.

"I don't know if I am ready yet Kens." He brushed his hand over his face. "Its hard enough doing this assignment without more emotions and issues clouding it. You saw what was found in that store room. If we aren't on the top of our game, people could get hurt."

"Will you ever be ready Deeks? You seem to push me away every time I try. But we need to talk. I need to talk."

Deeks laughed ironically. "Now theres a change. Kensi Blye wants to talk to me about her feelings. Now because you need to talk, I have to listen?" he accused, his irritability surfacing.

"Deeks," she threatened, "We have to get through this. We have to work together."

"We are working together," he said to her just as a knock came at the door. "Hold the thought Kens. I want to talk to you too, but I need to be able to have a clear head. This is not something I want to muddle through while we are undercover and keep getting interrupted." He had plenty to say. He left to see who was at the door but was back quickly. "See even the neighbourhood kids interrupt us while we try and think about talking about it."

"Deeks." Kensi looked down at the ground, She was struggling with what she was trying to say and not even entirely sure what she wanted to say. She had been seeing Nate too and he had helped her through a lot, but there were still issues she couldn't face. Issues she didn't want to talk to anyone about, especially not Deeks after what happened in Afghanistan. She looked back up at him. She remembered what Sam had told her only days before. "You promised me before I went away you'd be patient with me. I'm just asking you the same thing now."

And there it was. The words Deeks knew would come back one day. The words he knew she would use to tug at his heartstrings and he would not be able to resist. His mind flashed back to the moment she had asked him to be patient with her. He'd have given her the world that day and he still would. He was sure she still knew it too.

"Firstly, and most importantly, I'm sorry Deeks. Sorry for everything that has happened. From being sent away, to what happened over there, and everything since then. I was wrong. You were right." She felt like she wasn't saying enough, but it was a start.

His eyes narrowed as he looked at her suspiciously "What do you mean?"

"I was wrong." She looked at him pleadingly to understand. She couldn't get the words out.

"About….. Jack?" Deeks spat out.

She nodded slowly. "Yes. About Jack. You did everything you had to. I know that now. I don't know why I didn't know that then."

"It's a bit late to be telling me that. How long have you realised I was right."

"A week now I think."

" A week and you are only telling me now?" he shouted angrily.

"I couldn't….. I wanted….. Deeks, please."

He moved away, walking into the other room for a breather. He wanted to punch something and he hated himself for that reaction. His mind was going in circles as he tried to process what Kensi was telling him. Why hadn't she told him she believed him? They could have worked this out long before now.

Since they had come back from Afghanistan this is what Deeks had wanted to hear, yet now she had said it, it still seemed like a betrayal.

Kensi walked into the room. "Deeks," she said softly. "I'm really sorry." Her hand came up and touched him on his shoulder and he flinched.

Just her touch begins to soften his resolve and he tried to fight it but it was a losing battle. He remembered what Sam had asked him when he had admitted he loved her. Could they ever work through this and be whole again? Truthfully, he wanted that more than anything. He turned to face her and she stepped into his arms and he instinctively wrapped them around her.

For a minute he forgot everything that had happened since that fateful day. Kensi stood in his arms, looking at him, a longing look in her eyes. His lips hovered over hers briefly before joining hers softly. For a minute he forgot, as the kiss began slowly, building the pace and becoming a desperate need between them. For a minute he forgot everything but Kensi in his arms, his lips hungrily on hers. For a minute he was happy.

He wasn't forcing her because he could tell she wanted this as much as he did but it wasn't supposed to be happening like this. Lips locking together hungrily, tongues searching each other wildly, their bodies pressed close together as hands wandered over each other reacquainting themselves and pulling each other close. This was the way they should have reunited after she returned to him.

God, he had wanted this for so long. Since the day she had been so heartlessly torn away from him, all he had thought about was this moment. It wasn't the way he had planned it to be but right now he didn't care. He was kissing Kensi. That was all he cared about. As his lips pressed hungrily to hers the realisation of how much he had missed her came crashing over him. He loved her and that was all that mattered. The rest of the stuff they could work out. Now it was all about her scent, her touch, her lips on his. He had missed this intimacy with her more than he realised.

His thoughts were bouncing around his head. He should have been focussed on Kensi, on kissing her, holding her, eventually loving her. It's what he wanted. But his mind kept playing images in his head, rolling his memories passed like a movie reel. As much as he tried to push them away they kept returning. Images of Jack holding Kensi hostage, Jack threatening her, threatening him, Kensi screaming at him, him taking the shot that saved their lives, Kensi ignoring him, pushing him away. It all rushed into his mind and no matter how much he tried it kept repeating itself.

He continued to kiss Kensi, unable to break the contact he craved so much. His Kensi, he was holding her and she was kissing him. Her arms were wrapped around him, holding him to her. He needed her more than anything. It had been so long. She was his one true love. Yet more images played through his head. Days where he was in darkness with no one to help him back to the light, days of needing her, the times that she left him when he needed her the most. Feeling abandoned, feeling helpless. But there was something else. Something he couldn't decipher.

He wanted to push the images away, he wanted to delight in holding Kensi the way he had wanted to since the night they had first made love. He pulled her closer and softened the kiss, showing her exactly how he felt about her. He wanted her so badly. He wanted that more than anything, but something was nagging him, nagging him to distraction. As his mind became darker and angrier he felt Kensi pull away slightly. Dammit, she knew how he was feeling. He tried to soften his approach but she had already stepped back one step looking at him with confusion. "Deeks?"

Deeks pulled away from Kensi and stumbled backwards as he let her go. "No, I can't do this anymore. I can't pretend that everything is good and wonderful between us when we both know it isn't." Her apology wasn't enough, he needed more. He saw the hurt look in her face as he told her he couldn't do this. "I love you Kensi, with all my heart, I love you. But I can't do it." He practically ran to the front door before Kensi could say a word.

Suddenly that nagging feeling he had been experiencing for so long, buried deep within, hit him like a full force blow between his eyes. He turned and looked over his shoulder at her, looking utterly confused and hurt and angry, his eyes squinting slightly before uttering words he never thought he would ever say, words buried so deep in his memory he never thought they would be heard by anyone let alone the woman he loved.

"You are just like my mother." With those words spoken he turned around and walked out the door, running as soon as the door closed behind him.


	11. Chapter 11

***Well after last night's episode this is a little weird to post. But I want to get this wrapped up fairly quickly seeing the "Real" story is coming to our screens soon. There are still a few chapters to go. Once again, thank you for the wonderful reviews. It amazes me every time one is received. Thank you. And thanks to Tinkerbella7 again. Couldn't do it without you.***

Chapter 11

Kensi watched helplessly as Deeks ran out the door. It had all happened so quickly she didn't have a chance to react. One moment they were kissing, the next he was pulling away in anger. She thought they had made a breakthrough. She wanted to call him back but it was too late. What did he just say to her? She was just like his mother? What the Hell did he mean by that comment?

She paced the floor backwards and forwards trying to work it out. But her mind wandered back to the kiss they shared and his comment was forgotten for a moment. How she had missed his arms around her, his warm lips on hers, kissing her with such love and passion. She felt the love coming from him for some of the time. She had melted into his arms as soon as he had relaxed and begun to kiss her back. Time stood still and all that she cared about in that moment was Deeks kissing her. She forgot about all her issues with him and surrendered herself to him. She knew if he hadn't moved away she would have surrendered herself completely.

That wouldn't have been fair, to either of them, she realised. She put her fingers up to her lips. They still tingled from the feel of his lips on hers and a sigh escaped. The kiss had meant everything to her. It was the kiss they were supposed to have shared when they had been reunited. Only she had ruined that. She had ruined it with her wrong conclusions in Afghanistan. How she wished she could change that day. There was so much she would have, should have, done differently.

The kiss obviously hadn't meant everything to him. She had felt his reluctance at first and pushed ahead, needing the kiss and intimacy from him. If she were honest with herself, she had felt the conflict inside his head. He was doing some heavy duty thinking while he kissed her, and while she could tell he wanted to kiss her, she could also tell a part of him didn't, didn't think he should be kissing her either and she sensed it.

To have him push her away, telling her he couldn't do this anymore had hurt. And then for him to tell her he loved her at the same time as pushing her away, she felt crushed. Her heart felt like it had broken into a million pieces, just like she realised Deeks' probably had in that cave. She had made him feel the same way as she was feeling now and her heart broke a little more, realising she had done that to him first.

She sobbed at the thought of how incredibly wrong everything had gone. They were supposed to be happy not breaking at the mere sight of each other. She had longed to hear him tell her he loved her and now he'd spoken the words and she didn't even know if he meant them.

She thought about his parting shot and stood in the middle of the room chewing on her fingernail and frowning. The room seemed to spin as she thought, and she felt sick. What on earth had he meant by comparing her to his mother? She had never met his mother but from the little he had told her, she was not anything like her. His mother had been abused by his father, trampled, a shell of a woman. She was not strong. When Deeks had shot his dad….

And it suddenly hit Kensi with force. Her knees buckled and she collapsed to the chair, the air expelled from her lungs and she felt like she couldn't breathe.

Deeks had shot his father to save his mother, and Deeks had shot Jack to save Kensi. Her mind was spinning faster than the room, making her nausea feel worse. The realisation of what Deeks had revealed from his childhood slammed through her painfully. Was it true, had his mother screamed at Deeks and blamed him for everything when all he had tried to do was help her? Exactly as she had done to him in that cave.

Tears now formed in Kensi's eyes, threatening to spill over as she thought of the young boy who had buried such a harrowing fact away in his deepest memories only to be brought back by her, the person who was supposed to care for him the most. The tears began to fall and her heart tightened painfully as the realisation washed over her. How could she have done this to him?

She pulled her phone out of her pocket and called him, to find out where he was. She wanted him to come back, they needed to talk. Regardless of what he said, how much he said he didn't want to talk, they needed to talk. When the call connected she heard it ringing on the table in the hallway and walked towards it. She found both his phone and his gun still sitting on the table and she began to panic. He was so distraught by his memory he had forgotten to take them with him. What if he needed it out there? Those arms dealers were still out there. What if they knew who he was?

She picked Monty's leash up off the hook at the door. "Monty," she called out and the dog came trotting out of the back room where his doggie bed was. "Come on Monty, time to do some doggie detecting. We have to find Deeks." She opened the door and contemplated calling Callen and Sam. She had to call them, her gut told her Deeks was in trouble, it would be better to be safe than sorry. "Find Deeks Monty," she said as she dialled the phone.

….

Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. That was the first time he told her he loved her and he had said it in anger. That wasn't the way he wanted to tell her. He closed his eyes tightly in agony and wanted to scream. This was never going to work out. They had so many obstacles and demons between them. He loved Kensi with all his heart and soul but he didn't know if he could keep doing this. After this mission was complete, he was going to have to leave. Go back to being a cop, anything, so he didn't have to feel the pain of being with her every day when all he wanted was for her to be in his life, completely.

What the hell had he just said to her? Something about his mother? He covered his ears as he ran as thoughts swirled about his head deafening him. He was going insane, he knew it. It felt just like before when he had first come out of hospital alone. He knew he was spiralling and there was nothing he could do. No one could help him, he wouldn't let them. There was no point, they couldn't help.

He ran, oblivious to everything and anything. The early evening sunset was casting shadows over the surface ahead of him making him imagine there were things in front of him, evil and hateful things and they were surrounding him, making him dodge and duck as he ran. He had to avoid them. The monsters in his head were hard enough to deal with to add the monsters out in front of him as he ran.

_Kensi could help you_, one part of his head was telling him. _No she can't, she couldn't before, she can't now_, another part of him said. _But she did help you. When you let her in, she did help you_, his head warred with itself. "Nooooooo," Deeks screamed shaking his head as if to rid it of the noises inside. He wouldn't bring her down with him. She had her own demons to deal with. His pace picked up but he had no idea where he was going.

Without warning Deeks felt like he had run into a tree branch, only this tree branch laughed as he fell to the ground with a thud. He shook his head again and made to stand up only to groan out loud as a boot connected with his ribs making him roll back to the ground, curling into a ball to try and alleviate the pain. Sparks of light flashed before his eyes and fear snaked its way through his body. No, this was not happening. Sidarov was dead, he couldn't be attacking him again. In the state Deeks was in, he would have believed anything could be and being attacked right now brought back the horrors of that day

.

Two men, there were two men there now and they hoisted him up by his arms making the pain in his ribs scream at him. "Ooowwwww," he moaned. He wanted to scream, but nothing would come out. The men dragged him into the first gateway that they passed and up the 4 steps to the house before dragging him down more stairs to a basement, pain shooting through him at every step they took.

Here, Deeks felt fear and panic rising inside him like a bubble that was about to burst. His breathing became shallow but fast as he tried to fill his lungs, pain filling him with every breath he tried to take. No, he couldn't be held like this again, tortured again. Was this real or was he inside one of his nightmares? His confusion rattled him. Where was he, why was he there, who was here with him, Where was Kensi?

Kensi! All of a sudden his mind cleared as he thought of Kensi. Was she in danger too? Had these men gotten to her as well? He would tear them from limb to limb if they hurt Kensi. Slowly he opened his eyes and noticed he was strapped to a chair. The all too familiar pose made him feel sick. He heaved loudly but nothing came out. He squeezed his eyes shut again, trying anything to make the nightmare go away. He couldn't go through this again. He knew without a shadow of a doubt, that he would never make it back from the dark again.

"Look at this guy. Are you sure this is the right one? He is a basket case just because we've tied him up," a gravelly voice pronounced. Deeks recognised the voice from the pet shop.

"My sources told me this is the one. But I'm with you. Look at him. This guy could no more be an agent or cop than I could be Mother Theresa." They laughed between themselves but all Deeks could hear was Sidarov laughing at him, mocking him for being the weak one.

Deeks heard what they were saying but he couldn't answer them. He looked up at them, fear shining from his eyes, not a glimmer of the super hero Kensi thought he was. Super Hero Deeks was gone, buried under many layers of trauma. His childhood, his shooting, his torture and Kensi. She didn't mean to hurt him, he knew that, but she had. He wished she was here to help him right now, like the Super Kensi he knew her to be, but he guessed she wouldn't be coming. Why would she come, after the way he had just treated her? She was probably glad he had run out.

"Leave him here while we call the boss. He'll be able to tell us if we have the right guy. He has the video from the shop the night of the break in." As they walked up the stairs, Deeks's heart sank. As much as these men were his captors, when they were here, he was not alone. It was being left alone, tied up and at their mercy, that he hated the most. He felt tears stinging the back of his eyes.

He shook his head to try and clear it but it sent a wave of pain through his head. How had he got there? How had they ambushed him? He had been running. Running from what? He squeezed his eyes shut again as if to will the memories back into his mind. He was losing it and couldn't remember.

Kensi!

It all came back to Kensi. His Sunshine.

He yelled at her. Something about his mother. She had been kissing him and it had felt so good. He sighed at that thought. Kensi had kissed him and he had kissed her back. A feeling of peace washed over him at the memory of his lips on hers. He wanted her so badly. That's where he wanted to be right now, in Kensi's arms, not in the middle of this nightmare. Maybe if he woke up that's where he would be. "Kensi, I love you," he whispered into the semi darkness.

But no, that's not where he was and he tried to recall. He had been angry at her. He'd pushed her away. Why would he do that when it was the one thing he wanted most? He was concentrating hard and his head pounded to go with the extreme pain in his ribs. It was him. He had pushed her away because of all the tragedy that had flitted through his brain as he kissed her. She wasn't at fault, it was him.

And again it hit him like a freight train. He had compared Kensi to his mother. They had both done the same thing to him when all he had tried to do was help, do the right thing.

Deeks thought back to when he was eleven years old and his mother was once again being abused by his dad. He'd tried to block out the sounds of her crying and screaming by putting the pillow over his head. But this time was one time too many and Deeks reached under his bed where he kept the gun his best friend Ray had given him. He checked the bullets like Ray had shown him and practiced holding the gun before walking out to where his dad was slapping his mother across the face, her scream of pain making him jump. He saw the shotgun in his dad's arms and fear snaked through him. Would he use that gun if he didn't step in first? He had to do something.

"Dad," he'd yelled and as he turned Deeks held the gun up, pointing it at his dad. Too drunk to realise what was happening, his dad staggered forward.

"Marty, Nooooooo" his mother had screamed.

Simply because she had yelled out, his dad turned and hit his mom again. Deeks didn't hesitate but pulled the trigger of his gun, shooting his dad in the chest. He knew if he hadn't shot him then, his dad would have shot them both with the shotgun in his hands. The same as Jack would have done.

"Marty! What have you done? How could you do this?" His mother screamed at him with a grief stricken look in her eyes before reaching down to pull her husband into her arms, crying more now than she was before.

He had been confused. He was trying to help her. Why was she upset with him? He had been hurting her. He dropped the gun and ran. Ran away as fast as he could to the place he and Ray always hung out together, where he stayed all night long. Ray had found him the next morning still hiding in their secret place. It had taken at least two hours for him to convince him to come out and go home.

Deeks moaned out loud through his pain, both physical and mental. Kensi had done the same thing to him as his mother had all those years ago. He was only trying to help Kensi, the woman he loved, and she had turned on him, just as his mother had. He saved both their lives and neither one of them realised.

Tears again stung the back of his eyelids. What a screw up he was. Would he ever get anything +right?" He had so many demons.

A series of loud noises above him shocked him out of his memories and he readied himself for the evil he knew was coming. These men would have found out by now that he was the one they were after and then he didn't know what would happen. He knew he wouldn't put up a fight. He was done. He was ready and right at that moment he hoped whatever they had planned for him would be over fast. Over so he could never feel this pain again. He'd had enough.

He listened again. It was a scratching sound he heard, like a dog scratching a door. He dreaded to think what kind of dog these men owned, and what it could do to him.

When the door was finally forced open Deeks shut his eyes tight. He didn't want to see what was coming to get him. Just get it over with he thought.

The first pounce of canine feet on his chest hit him like a brick wall making stars explode before his eyes and a yelp of pain escape his lips. When a wet tongue began to hungrily lick at his face he frowned. This wasn't some blood thirsty hound.

Deeks opened his eyes to see Monty staring at him, one loud woof echoing through the room. He thought he was seeing things and shook his head again to clear it. Monty licked him again. He tried to say his name but nothing would come out. Only another groan of pain escaped his lips.

"DEEKS!" Now he heard Kensi's voice. He must have still been dreaming. "Monty, get down quick." She pulled Monty back and looked at Deeks. She took in the cut on his face and so many bad memories came rushing back. His mouth was fine, but the cut on his cheek, and the bruise on his jaw were identical to the ones Deeks had suffered in that body shop all those months ago. "Deeks, are you okay?"

Deeks moaned, indicating his pain "Kensi?" his voice rasped out. He looked at her, begging her to help him. Needing her. He felt the memories of that day in the bodyshop rushing right back to him, the desperation he felt that day, then the distress that came next when Kensi had left him. "Are you going to cut me loose?" he asked, as he had that day. He expected her to say no, he had to wait a little while longer.

Kensi's heart broke when he spoke those words. She saw the same pleading look on his face as she had that other day. "Of course I am going to cut you loose. And I am not leaving your side. I'm never leaving you again Deeks. Do you hear me? I'm not leaving you." She promised him.

Deeks looked up at her in confusion as she began to cut away the tape holding him to the chair. This wasn't the way it happened. She was bound to leave him. He was reliving the day in his mind, maybe a dream, and she was supposed to leave him there, leave him there to be shot.

The second Kensi had cut the tape away she threw her arms around Deeks's neck. "I'm so sorry Deeks, will you ever forgive me? I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

All Deeks could do was moan. "Kensi, my ribs." As soon as he uttered the words he passed out with the pain.

Sam and Callen came down to find Deeks being tended to by the paramedics, Kensi hovering alarmingly close.

"What happened down here Kensi," Callen asked.

"Monty found him. I owe that gorgeous dog one big bone after this. I don't know how long we could have looked if not for him. Or what they might have done to Deeks." She visibly shuddered at the thought.

"Is he okay?"

"Fractured ribs maybe, head trauma." Kensi was suddenly overtaken with a wave of grief and she buried her head into Sam's chest. "What if this takes him back to that place Sam? I don't want to lose him to that dark place again."

"Just be with him this time Kensi. Tell him exactly how you feel. And be with him every step of the way." Sam pulled her back off his chest to look at her. "You are his world, you know that right? He lives for you. After what happened in Afghanistan and you rejected him, it crushed him. He was broken in a whole new way." He stopped to check Kensi was registering what he was telling her, going on when he realised he had her full attention. "I can't believe I am going to say this," he chuckled lightly, "but he loves you with all his heart Kensi. You two, you belong together." He heard her sigh. "You have got to get over what happened. You already know Deeks did the only thing possible in that cave."

Callen chimed in at that point. "Kensi, Sam is right," He didn't know how much to push her on this issue, if Nate had made any breakthroughs at all or if she was still as closed minded about it. He didn't know Kensi had already told Sam she believed Deeks. "Deeks saved your life Kensi, you know why?" Kensi stared blankly at Callen so he continued. "It was his job, his mission, but more importantly Kensi, it was you. He would move the world for you if he had to. When you were in danger, he acted the only way he could and that was to eliminate the target. He did it for you." Everyone was telling her the same thing and she knew it was the truth.

Kensi blinked several times then a sob broke out. "And I threw it back at him and rejected him," she whispered painfully. She thought again about what he had said about his mother and it saddened her to think she had repeated the memory he had buried so deeply. "I can never take that back."

"But you can fix it Kensi. Just tell him exactly how you feel. Let go of any anger and pride. Just speak from the heart."

Kensi sighed. She knew. Over time, she knew and with Nate's help she had managed to believe it. Callen didn't known that yet. And she also knew she had a lot of work to do now to gain Deeks back, to win his trust and his love. She nodded at Sam. "I know," she whispered, unable to make any more of a sound. "But will he ever forgive me?"

Sam shook his head gently and ruffled Kensi's hair. She welcomed the affection he showed, she had missed it. "I would stake my life on it that he would forgive you. It might take time but all the best things come with hard work and time. Just be with him, don't let him push you away and you'll come out of this together. It'll be tough because after something like this he will try and push you away. But be strong and don't budge. I have no doubt you can do that. The two of you were made to be together." He laughed at his comment. "Man I still don't believe I said that either." His gaze travelled to catch Kensi's eyes again. "But I believe it Kensi. You love him," he watched for her reaction but didn't give her time to comment but he noticed her slight nod. "And he loves you. It's been like that for a while now and its time you both worked it out." He saw the paramedics finishing up. "Go and be with him, and stay with him. Prove your love to him."

Kensi reached up and planted a kiss on Sam's cheek. "Thank you Sam."

"Any time. I'll always be around to whip your butt if you fail in this Kensi Blye," he told her, laughing.

"Since when are you guys on Deeks' side all the time?" she asked him wanting to know after having witnessed it often since her return. Deeks was the one they usually picked on. He was the one worried they would kick his butt if he ever got this close to her. And now she was going to get the butt kicking if she messed up?

"Since we saw how much he was missing you Kens." Callen told her, taking her in for a much needed hug. "Go be with him. He needs you. Now more than ever before."

With that Sam turned around and he and Callen left Kensi with Deeks and the paramedics, taking Monty with them. She watched as they put Deeks on the gurney. "Be careful. He might have fractured ribs."

The paramedics humoured Kensi. "Yes, we will be careful. We have to take him to the hospital though."

"I'm coming with you." She insisted. "I'm not leaving his side."

"We don't really have any room," the younger one told her.

"I'm NOT leaving his side," Kensi said forcefully shooting a murderous look at the man. "I did that once before and I will never do it again."

"Okay," the man said, clearly intimidated by Kensi's demeanour.

She took Deeks's free hand in hers and laced her fingers through his. "I'm here Deeks. I am not going anywhere. Whether you like it or not I'm sticking to you like glue."

***I know. Poor Deeks. Please forgive me***


	12. Chapter 12

***Awesome Reviews for the last chapter. Thanks everyone for taking the time to let me know what you think. As promised, not a long wait for this chapter. Hope you all enjoy.***

Chapter 12

Kensi sat by Deeks' head, out of the way, in the ambulance while the paramedic tended to him en route to the hospital. The ambulance rattled along the streets of LA and she watched as Deeks had a variety of medical procedures done to him, all as he remained unconscious. She didn't know why he didn't wake, and it worried her and yet she didn't ask. Maybe she was too scared to know the answer to that question. When the paramedic sat back having finished everything that needed to be done to make Deeks stable, she leaned forward and touched his shoulder taking comfort in the connection between them. They were going to be okay. No matter how long it took.

Once at the hospital she shamelessly used her badge and credentials to insist she stay by his side the entire time they tended to his wounds. She'd been prepared to use her gun if it had been needed. He was sedated and wouldn't know if she was there or not. That didn't matter to Kensi. She had promised Callen and Sam she wouldn't leave his side. She promised herself she wouldn't. And most importantly, she promised Deeks she wasn't leaving him, no matter what, and she was going to keep her promise to him, even if he hadn't heard her make it.

The doctor explained that Deeks would recover with no ill effects. His ribs had been x-rayed and were not broken only badly bruised and now bandaged. They would still take a while to heal and he had to take things slowly. His cheek was again stitched with five stitches and he had a concussion which would leave him with a colossal headache. The sedation they had given him would most likely keep him asleep overnight at the very least. Once he was awake and they were satisfied with his progress, he would be able to go home. Kensi would be there with him, whether he liked it or not. She'd left him alone to his own recovery once before, and she was never going to let that happen again.

In his own room finally, Kensi sat watching him, feeling the weight of the world on her shoulders. Her chest felt heavy with grief at what had happened and she found herself pacing the room every so often, thoughts spinning around in her head. She felt guilty not only for today, but everything since the day she had been taken away from LA for that botched up assignment in Afghanistan. That was when everything went pear shaped between them. Deeks not taking the shot, her breaking protocol! While she and Deeks had maybe not performed their jobs up to their normal standard that fateful day, they had been getting on top of things slowly. That day they had been full of raw emotion because it had been the first assignment after they had acted on their feelings, their Thing. As he had said to her as they sat in the boatshed listening to Thappa being interviewed, '_it's never easy when you start to care._' But they had been making progress. And they did care, deeply.

And then she was gone, without being able to say goodbye or explain anything. They didn't get to talk. There had been their Sat phones that they had talked on a number of times while she was away, but that was not conducive to the kind of talk they needed for their relationship. Talk of that was always put on hold. That had to be done face to face. The events of that night in the cave had derailed even that. It seemed that the world was conspiring against them. She laughed to herself as she wondered if Mercury was in retrograde right now. Deeks was a big believer in that stuff.

Kensi still didn't know why she had been sent away, and she made a mental note to ask Hetty why she had chosen her. She had asked before, yet Hetty had always been elusive about the topic even since she had been back. Hetty had been so adamant that she be the one to perform that task, yet if she had known that The White Ghost was Jack from the beginning, Kensi couldn't help but feel an intense anger at her. Surely she wouldn't have purposely sent her on that task if she had been aware he was Jack.

Brushing aside those feelings of anguish at everything that had happened in the past few months, she stood beside the bed and watched Deeks breathing slowly with aid of a nasal cannula, his heart rate monitor beeping steadily beside him and an IV for fluids in his hand. She straightened up his blanket, and pulled at a piece of fluff that had appeared on the edge of the sheet. She felt nervous, yet she knew this was the only place she should be right now.

Kensi looked at him lying silently in the hospital bed, his blonde hair fanning out over the pure white pillow. She reached up to run her fingers through it and leaned over to place a soft kiss on his forehead. He shifted slightly in his sleep, a soft moan escaping his lips, and she stopped still, not wanting him to wake yet. She was yet to collect all her thoughts to talk to him. His eyes remained relaxed and closed though she noticed the slightest of frowns on his forehead. She reached out to sooth it away and smiled as she saw him relax again.

Just looking down at him, she felt an overwhelming feeling of love towards him. It settled warmly near her heart and she smiled. She liked the feeling. Love was nice. Sam had been right when he spoke to her. She had to let the past go, she had to live for the now. And right now she knew exactly what she wanted. She wanted a life with Deeks and she would do whatever it took to get it. If he wasn't in her life, she would be a mere shell. She was going to make him see that it was what he wanted too. No matter how long it took.

She wished she could take away his pain. She would take it all on herself right now if she could. His left cheek had an angry red line underneath the eye, stitched neatly, the same cheek that had been gashed by Sidarov's men. Again she reached over, this time to stroke his chin and cheek, close to the gash. She hated to see him like this. That cut was going to take him back to that dark time.

Taking his hand in hers and linking their fingers, she sat down on the seat beside the bed and gave it a gentle squeeze, drawing strength from the touch. There was no response from him as he slept and she was okay with that. "I love you Deeks," she said to his sleeping form.

"It's refreshing to hear you admit that, at last" a voice from the doorway said and she jumped in her seat. She looked up sending a venomous look at whoever was disturbing them, eavesdropping on her and Deeks. On recognising the person standing in the doorway she relaxed and smiled.

"Nate!" she said, an honest smile on her face. He was the one person she was grateful to see.

He came over to her and leaned down to give her a hug, knowing she was not going to relinquish the hold she had of Deeks' hand. "How are you doing Kensi?"

She shrugged. "I've been better." She looked away quickly, and her eyes landed on Deeks' face. "He's going to need you Nate."

"He's going to need you too." He took the other chair and sat next to her but turned the chair so he was facing her. "You feel up to talking?"

"I'll have to do it sooner or later. Did Hetty send you?"

"No, I came for you. You and Deeks. When I heard what happened I cleared my plans and came over here. You do know the two of you are more than patients to me Kensi. You are my friends. And this is between friends."

Kensi smiled. A real smile she hadn't felt in months. "Thanks Nate, I feel the same way and I am sure Deeks does too."

Nate nodded, giving Kensi a smile that equalled hers. He felt the difference in Kensi. She had let go of something, a huge part of her inner turmoil was now gone. "We can take this outside. The waiting room is empty."

"No," she shook her head forcefully. "I'm not leaving him." An earnest look was sent his way. "I'm not Nate. I'm staying right here."

"Okay, we can stay here," he said. "So how about you tell me what happened today."

For the next 20 minutes Kensi told Nate about everything that had been happening. It was so much easier talking to him in person than on the phone and she found herself telling him everything. Her outburst in the pet store which made Deeks so angry, angrier than she had ever seen and she didn't think he would ever forgive her. The tension between them both, right through to when she wanted to talk to him and even though she knew he was still angry she needed to talk. She needed to try and make something work between them. She wasn't giving him the time he needed and once again she realised she was pressuring him to bend to her wishes. She shook her head sadly as she realised this and it hit her that it was something she always did. She had asked him to be patient with her, yet she didn't afford him the same luxury.

She hesitated when she reached the part in the story about kissing him and her eyes shot towards Deeks to hide her expression from Nate. Just thinking about kissing Deeks warmed her with desire. She told him about walking into his Deeks' arms and kissing him, hoping he wouldn't be able to resist and she had been right. Now she felt shamed to realise she used that tactic on him and how it had made him so obviously doubt himself. She could tell he had something, no, many things, troubling him by his reaction to their kiss. He kissed her like he desperately needed her, but she still felt some reluctance. He was remembering things that he hadn't wanted to remember and she was making him remember. She felt responsible for him leaving the safety of the house, without backup . She looked up at her hand holding Deeks' hand, their fingers still entwined and gave it a little squeeze and began stroking her thumb up and down the side of his hand.

Looking over at Nate she had a questioning look on her face. "Suddenly he pulled away. He looked confused and angry." She frowned at Nate. "Nate, do you know anything about the time he shot his dad?"

"Not really. I didn't think going that far back in his history was warranted for his current issues." Nate answered, alarmed at the thought of Deeks' problems going so far back in his life.

"Well, I think maybe you should have." Kensi didn't know if she should be telling Nate about what he had said to her. It seemed like an invasion of the trust she was trying to rebuild with Deeks. She watched him as she spoke, his breathing still steady and strong.

"Why do you say that Kensi," he prompted. This could be an important step in Deeks' recovery. He shook his head at his carelessness at not delving further into his past. It was what made the man today yet he only went as far as his torture. As a psychologist, he should have explored further.

"I don't think….. I think…. I can't tell you Nate. He should tell you. You should ask him."

He nodded and jotted down another note. "Is it what caused him to run out?"

"I think so. Yeah, I'm sure it is. Something he's buried for a long time." Her eyes didn't waver from Deeks' form on the bed beside her.

Nate nodded and reached out to her. He took her other hand in his and squeezed it reassuringly diverting Kensi's eyes back to him. He knew he wasn't going to get the reason out of Kensi and he understood her reluctance to tell him. "So how are you, Kensi?"

Kensi closed her eyes and smiled. She looked over at Deeks again and felt that now familiar rush of love flowing through her. "I'm good Nate. If I can get Deeks to trust me again, I'll be great." She looked back at Nate. "It was Sam who made me see sense. But I'm really good right now. Still a couple of unanswered questions but I can find those answers."

Deeks on the other hand was a different story and Nate knew he would be working hard to get his frame of mind back into the right place. Two traumatic incidents in 6 months was not something that one got over easily. If he counted tonight, and he wasn't sure of the full details of the evening, it would classify as 3 traumatic incidents. Add to that something that had obviously been buried since his childhood and Nate knew he would be working hard to get Deeks back on track. Yet he believed in the healing power of the mind and believed Deeks had it in himself to overcome his demons. With Kensi by his side, he was sure it would be attainable.

Nate left Kensi a little while later, telling her he would schedule in some appointments for them both, singly and together. He needed to talk to Deeks alone first but knew they needed to talk together also.

Kensi was tired but didn't want to sleep. She wanted to be awake when Deeks woke up and despite the nurses who came in regularly to check on Deeks telling her it would be hours before he woke, she still remained awake.

Callen found her awake close to midnight. He had been finishing off with the case which had taken longer than he had expected. He needed to check on his two junior agents before going home for the day. After sending Sam home to his family his next stop was the hospital. The nurses gave him directions to Deeks' room and he strode toward it.

He stopped at the sight he witnessed, his heart jolting and a smile on his face. Kensi leaned over Deeks, her forehead resting on his, a faraway look on her face. She brought his hand, wrapped in hers, up to her lips and pressed a kiss on the back of it, murmuring something he couldn't hear. She looked up and pushed a stray lock of his hair out of his eyes before dropping a kiss on his forehead then a soft, lingering kiss on his silent lips before finally sitting down, laying her head on the bed beside where their linked hands rested, her eyes never leaving his face. Callen felt awkward witnessing the scene, but for reasons unknown to himself, he couldn't look away. Watching Kensi fussing over Deeks gave him the proof that Kensi felt as strongly about Deeks, as Deeks felt about Kensi. They had known the strength of what Deeks felt during Kensi's absence. He hadn't been able to hide it and he had finally caved and spilled the truth about their relationship. It hadn't surprised either Sam or himself. Or he doubted it would surprise anyone else, including Hetty.

Hetty, she had been a strange one to work out of late. Sam had often spoke to him when on long tedious stakeouts what he had thought of Hetty sending Kensi away, and how he had spoken with Deeks about it too. He felt the animosity the two men felt for Hetty for this decision but he knew they still had great respect for her. Just this one aberration in her treatment of the agents was not enough to damage the relationship they shared. Hetty was still much loved and they would do anything for her. Everyone can make mistakes, Sam had told him. Strangely, Callen had agreed with both Sam and Deeks in this situation, though he had never verbalised it. Deeks felt stronger about his distrust, understandably enough seeing the decision impacted him personally, but he knew Deeks also still respected their leader.

He stepped into the room silently. Kensi hadn't heard him. "Kens?" he said softly.

She sat up quickly, looking at Callen, her eyes blinking widely at his appearance. She wondered how much he had seen but then realised she really didn't care. "Hi Callen."

"How's he doing?" he asked nodding towards Deeks.

"Just sleeping. It's a good thing though, because he hasn't been doing a lot of that lately," Kensi admitted.

Callen nodded, understanding. Deeks had been crankier lately and his lack of sleep was another sign that his PTSD was back. "He'll be okay Kens. We're all there for him."

Kensi smiled. "We are. I won't be in tomorrow Callen. I'm not going to leave him alone."

"Its okay Kensi, we'll cover for you. The mission is over now and its just the paper work to finish up. I can send you yours, or it can wait. You be there for him."

She smiled her thanks and watched him leave the room. She smoothed the imaginary wrinkles from the sheets on the bed again and straightened up the sheet laying over Deeks. Laying her head down on the bed, sleep claimed her quickly this time.

Callen walked out of the room to find Hetty standing in by the nurses station. Without speaking she indicted they enter the waiting room. Callen followed her in and for a while they merely looked at each other, as so often happened when one spoke with Hetty. Callen spoke up first.

"You planned this Hetty?"

She knew what Callen meant but didn't reply straight away. She looked pained and exhausted and Callen realised this mission, and the Afghanistan mission had truly taken a lot out of their leader. "Well, I didn't plan on Mr Deeks getting hurt again," she looked haunted at that fact. "But for the two of them to make up their differences. Yes, I did plan that. I hoped that putting them in this house together they would come to their senses.

"It nearly cost Deeks his life," Callen accused.

Hetty flinched. "A fact that I will accept full responsibility for. I was unaware of Mr Deeks'," she searched for the right words. "Predicament. It grieves me to know he is suffering still. We must help him. Properly this time." Callen nearly laughed. It wasn't often that Hetty was unaware of something, especially when it came to one of her agents. She usually had her finger on the pulse of everything going on with the team.

"We will all help him through this. But something tells me all he will need is Kensi." Callen said to her.

Hetty sighed sadly at Callen's words. She had been the one to separate them and felt somewhat responsible. "There is a reason, Mr Callen, why I sent Kensi away."

"Something you can share? We have all wondered."

"In good time Mr Callen. In good time. In the meantime, I do believe what Mr Deeks and Miss Blye share is true love. A true love never sails easy but it comes through every storm stronger than when it went in. They will work this out Mr Callen." With that she turned to walk out the door. She stopped, looked back at Callen and bade him goodnight before disappearing.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

Kensi woke instantly when she felt movement from Deeks. It was still dark outside, the early hours of the morning and the lights of the hospital were dimmed. She may not have been able to see much in the semi darkness, but she knew what was happening. Deeks was dreaming again, his legs and arms twitching. She gave his hand a small squeeze then dropped it to move closer to him.

His head began tossing on the pillow, slowly at first. He began to moan, his mouth opening as if he was trying to say something. Nothing was coming out as he tried to cry out and Kensi stroked his forehead gently.

"Deeks…. Deeks, wake up." Kensi said gently to him as he continued to moan, a little louder now. "Deeks, come on, wake up, it's only a dream."

"Kensi," he said so silently, she almost missed it. Her heart began to slam in her chest. He was dreaming about her. What was he dreaming, why was she in his nightmare? "Kensi!" he called a little louder now.

"Deeks, please wake up," she urged him. It was paining her to see him like this, knowing he lived through these nightmares more than anyone realised. She remembered back to the day that she ignored his nightmare, when he slept on the balcony and she felt completely ashamed of herself. She had ignored his pain because it was easier for her.

"Kensi!" he cried. "Please. Don't hurt her." That wasn't what she was expecting to hear from him and she wondered again what he could be dreaming. How often did he dream, or more accurately, have nightmares. He hid it pretty well from her in the safe house. No wonder he was always so tired.

"Deeks. I'm here Deeks, wake up, you're dreaming."

The sedation he had been giving must have been preventing him from coming out of his sleep and for another five minutes Kensi tried to calm him down as he called her name. Tears were prickling the backs of her eyes and a lone tear fell, wetting the pillow beside his head, her heart aching for the man thrashing about on the bed. She wiped both eyes, wanting to be strong for him.

"Deeks, its Kensi. I'm safe. You can open your eyes," she said softly right into his ear. "It's just a dream, it's not real."

She felt him relax and looked up at him. Slowly his eyes opened and he blinked several times before he focussed on Kensi. He frowned. "Kensi?" Even though it was dark she could see his face and she knew she had seen that expression before. It was the same vulnerable look he had given her in the body shop and it tore at her heart to see it again. She had hoped never to have seen that look on his face again.

"I'm here Deeks," she said, still leaning in close to him. "Shhh, everything's fine." She started stroking his hair to comfort and calm him, forgetting that the last time Deeks had talked to her he had pushed her away. All that was unimportant right now.

"Kensi?" he asked again. She smiled down at him. He was confused and she was trying to reassure him. "Where am I?" he asked looking around. He tried to sit up and yelped with the pain in his ribs.

"You're in the hospital Deeks. Keep still, your ribs are badly bruised. Keep still and everything is going to be okay."

"Hospital? I was just trying to save you." Confusion furrowed his brow.

"You were dreaming Deeks. I'm fine."

He closed his eyes and tried to remember. She could almost see he was remembering as his features changed. "I'm sorry Kensi," he said suddenly. That wasn't something she expected to hear.

"Don't you be sorry Deeks, you have nothing to be sorry for."

"I do. My mother. I'm so sorry."

Kensi knew what he meant. She reached out and placed her hand on his uninjured cheek. "We'll talk about that later. I understand Deeks." He nodded, then without warning his eyes glazed over. "Deeks." Nothing. "Deeks!" Kensi said a little louder.

"He's back isn't he?" he said in a deadpan voice looking at her through vulnerable eyes.

Kensi had no idea what Deeks meant but the look in his eyes pained her. "Who's back Deeks?"

Deeks shuddered, then grimaced with the pain it caused both in his ribs and his head. "He's back. He tied me up again. He called me the weak one."

"Deeks?" Kensi asked, completely confused. Realisation dawned on her. "No Deeks. He's not back. He can't come back. He's dead."

"He's dead?" he asked in an almost childlike voice.

"He's dead Deeks. You don't have to worry about him." Her hand was still on his cheek, her thumb drawing tiny circles on his skin and Deeks closed his eyes, enjoying the caress of her thumb.

Deeks was doing more thinking as he lay still. He opened his eyes again. "Why are you here?" he asked now giving her a look of suspicion and she drew her hand away. "You… you….you don't…"

She should have expected this yet it still hit her hard and it hurt, right in the middle of her chest, her heart. "I'm sorry Deeks. About everything. I have been so wrong." She refused to look away from him but it was difficult. He was looking at her with accusing eyes and she felt unsettled.

He looked away from her first and closed his eyes again. "I can't do this now." He said to her flatly. Kensi sighed. Were they ever going to be able to talk about this? It was not the right place or time. She wasn't going to push him this time, knowing he was right. This time she was going to be patient.

"No, you don't have to. I understand Deeks. Go back to sleep." She found herself running her fingers through his hair again, comforting Deeks through his internal pain and she felt him relax. "But know one thing," she whispered near his ear. "I'm not leaving you this time. We are going to work through this."

He turned to look back at her questioningly, a glimmer of hope in his eyes. Kensi smiled at him grasping that flicker of hope and holding on to it. She reached down and took his hand in hers again and he looked down at them then back into Kensi's eyes. He sighed. "I don't know," he said before closing his eyes and drifting off to sleep. Kensi wasn't sure what he meant, but her resolve was strong. She was going to help him. They were going to work through this. She could be stubborn when she wanted, and this was the one thing in her life she wanted more than anything.

When Deeks woke a later the sun was rising and he could see more than he had earlier. Kensi lay with her head on the bed beside him and her hand was now loosely holding on to his. He frowned, wondering why she was here. After everything that had happened the night before, why would she be here with him? Was it even the night before that the whole drama took place? He couldn't remember.

He looked down at Kensi and he felt the welcome rush of love wash over him. He sighed as he watched her sleep and realised how much it meant to him that she was here for him when he woke. He wanted their life to be as it was before. He wanted it more than anything. Yet he knew it was going to be a struggle. He had to get through so much before their relationship could be considered back to the way it was, and it wasn't going to be easy. He wished he could just shake it off, close off his mind to all his demons and just move on with his life, their life. Unfortunately it didn't work that way. He felt the heaviness within him. It was going to take a lot of work, on both their parts. But he did not give up hope that they could have it all, together.

He untangled his fingers from hers gently and reached out to run his fingers through the ends of her hair which now lay spread out over the side of his bed. He watched her as she slept and he smiled. She looked so beautiful laying there, peaceful in her slumber. He felt his heartbeat rising, the sound of the heart monitor confirming that fact. He wanted to reach out to her but she was just out of reach and movement was painful. He reached his hand up to his bandaged ribs to check the damage. He thought Kensi had said they were just bruised but it sure felt painful. It hurt to move. Even breathing was difficult. He grimaced with the pain as he tried to sit up.

Deeks felt his cheek stinging as he frowned and he reached up to tentatively touch the area on his cheek that felt the worst. When he felt the stitches, almost in the identical spot that it had been cut before, he panicked again and felt his breathing become rapid. With no warning his mind wandered to a time in the not so distant past when he had been held captive. It wasn't real. Kensi told him he was dead. So why did he live through that again and again, why was his mind replaying it? Subconsciously he clamped his teeth together and realised they were fine. It couldn't have been Sidarov. He was dead, right. He had seen him shot by Sam's gun and he had killed the one who had done so much damage to his mouth and his troubled mind, himself. He had exacted his revenge on Sidarov's sadistic offsider.

So last night wasn't a repeat of what had happened all those months ago. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to remember. The faces of the two men came to mind and Kensi had been right, they had nothing to do with Sidarov. He was dead. He repeated this to himself a few times and he began to believe it. Last night's men, the pet shop owner and brother. They were dead too? He wasn't sure.

He was going to get through this. He wasn't the weak one and he was going to prove it to everyone. He felt anything but strong now. It was going to be hard work to find the return of that mental strength but he was determined to find it.

Looking down a Kensi, still asleep, he tried to remember what had happened between them. He shook his head as if trying to clear it. Big mistake as pain shot through his skull and a moan escaped. Kensi moved briefly before sleeping on. He closed his eyes to try and concentrate. She had told him she was sorry. She knew she had made a mistake and he had acted correctly in the cave? Was that what she had told him or not? He huffed out a breath. Even if she had, he still felt she had betrayed the trust they shared. She had chosen Jack over him and it hurt. The way she had rejected him had hurt. And still he wanted her more than anything. He had so many conflicting emotions, it was no wonder he was struggling. He wanted her, yet trust was the issue.

He watched on as she slept, knowing she was the one thing in the world he wanted more than anything else. Without her, he was nothing. Yet still he felt conflicted. He remembered the vulnerability he showed her just mere hours ago when he woke, thinking Sidarov had returned and he accepted he was still in a very susceptible state of mind. Would it be fair of him to have her in his life right now? It would probably be better if she stayed away. For her sake. Yet the thought of doing this alone scared him senseless.

He remembered back to the time he had shunned her help a few months ago. He thought he couldn't, or shouldn't, let her in. He didn't see how anyone could help him. Yet when she had appeared unannounced on his doorstep bearing food, for the first time in what seemed forever to him, he relaxed. He had immediately connected with her and she reminded him how to smile, and laugh. He needed that again. Would she be the one who persevered with him again?

The nurse came in to check him, happy to see he had woken up. "How are you feeling Mr Deeks," she asked.

It seemed like a stupid question to him, he was in pain and she would have known it. But he answered her anyway. "Pretty sore. I'll live though, right?" He flashed her what he hoped was a charming smile.

"You'll live." She smiled back at him, while checking his blood pressure. "Your girlfriend stayed here all night you know, she must be exhausted."

His girlfriend. Was she his girlfriend? He wasn't sure anymore. She had been before she went away. Really only for the day too and then real life had interfered. He thought she was when they shared the many phone calls they had shared in her absence, and the other forms of communicating. He thought she was, until that day. When Deeks didn't answer her, the nurse continued. She leaned down and whispered to him. "I hear she made quite the scene when 9you arrived. Wouldn't let anyone tell her she had to leave. She insisted on staying with you every step of the way."

Deeks smiled at the picture she painted. "That's my girl," he said quietly.

Finished with her observations, the nurse told Deeks he would probably be able to go home once the doctor had seen him.The Doctor who had treated him the night before was due soon, so he would be back at his own home soon.He thought back to the assignment they had been on and felt a pang of regret that he wouldn't be going back there for a little while longer. Relaxing there would be good for recuperating, the salt air and ocean sounds. Then he looked down at Kensi and knew wherever she was would be home to him.

A little later in the morning his doctor had come to see him and declared he was fit enough to go home, but he had to take it easy for at least a four or five days at home. He would then be restricted to desk duty for at least a week, and then to see how he was feeling. Deeks thanked the doctor and once all his monitor leads and the IV was removed, he tried to get out of bed, only to cry out at the unexpected pain he felt in his ribs.

"Deeks, are you okay?" Kensi was at his side instantly, pushing him back on the bed. "Let me help you."

"I'm okay Kensi. I can do this," he said stubbornly. She watched as he tried to sit up straighter so he could hang his legs over the side of the bed and then saw his frustration at not being able to accomplish such a simple task. Kensi raised an eyebrow and pointed up at the triangle trapeze above him which was there to help him move around. If he wouldn't let her help him, she could at least show him an easier way. But once he was sitting on the side of the bed he had to surrender and accept her help.

"Okay Kens, I give up. I can't do this on my own." She helped him to his feet and waited while he steadied himself, his breathing laboured as he stood on the spot.

"Its alright Deeks, that's why I am here, to help you."

"Looks like your Jungle cat isn't so agile at the moment," he joked. It felt nice to joke with her, even for a moment.

"Ha Jungle cat. You are more like a newborn kitten," Kensi joked back while helping him to the bathroom where he could get changed.

"Touche," Deeks smiled down at her and she smiled back at him.It felt good. She helped him to a chair in the bathroom and left him to get himself dressed, hovering outside the door in case he needed help. He managed alone except for his boots which he couldn't bend down to lace up.

"All ready? I'll go and get your discharge papers and all your pain meds and we can go."

Deeks nodded. Was it going to be awkward once they left the hospital? He shrugged to himself. No less awkward than when they were undercover, he thought to himself.

Yet when he walked through his front door, Kensi following closely behind, it suddenly hit him that the last time Kensi had been there at his place was the night they had finally made love, the night they had acted on all the built up sexual energy they had been sharing for so long. That completely amazingly wonderful night they had shared, showing each other how they felt, what they meant to one another. That one night he had relived in his mind so many times while she was away, and yes, even after she had returned. It seemed like a lifetime ago, yet it still had his body humming, both with desire and regret. Regret that it had ended so painfully for them both, with her being sent to the other side of the world before they could work things out between them. He looked at her, and she knew what he was thinking. He could bet she was thinking the same thing herself.

Putting their awkwardness aside at that moment was easier than Deeks thought it would be when he was suddenly overwhelmed with a wave of exhaustion. He walked slowly to the lounge and dropped down, lowering his head to the pillow. Kensi helped lift his legs so he was laying on the lounge. Monty chose that moment to come and greet his master home and he patted the dog for a while before he fell asleep, his hand still on the dog's head. During that time Kensi straightened up Deeks' kitchen before sitting on the lounge chair watching Deeks sleep. There was nothing else to do and she wasn't going to leave.

Callen and Sam both came by to see him and they stayed for lunch, bringing food with them. Sam reasoned they wouldn't have had time to organise lunch, but Deeks suspected it was something else. Regardless, he was thankful because it lightened the tension between he and Kensi. Nell and Eric arrived to see them later that afternoon, again bringing food and they stayed till later in the evening. The only one not to visit was Hetty, but that didn't surprise Deeks with the way he had been treating her lately. He still adored this wonderful lady, but that didn't mean he couldn't be extremely angry with her. He still blamed her for many things that had happened to him, and Kensi too. He knew a talk with Hetty was looming and figured Kensi would want to be included.

Once everyone was gone Deeks stood to go and check on Monty. "I can do that Deeks." Kensi had told him.

The events of the past couple of weeks suddenly caught up with him and he felt a surge of anger. "Kensi, you don't have to stay here. I'm not an invalid. And I can feed my dog," Deeks said in frustration.

"I just want to help you," she said to him. She was taken aback by his tone.

"You want to help me?" he asked her, anger starting to rise. He couldn't explain the sudden irritation he was feeling. "You really want to help?" She nodded. "Then talk to me. Tell me why you are here and how we are going to fix this." He waved his hand between the two of them and Kensi knew what he was talking about.

Trying to calm the situation she spoke gently, not letting her own frustrations show. She remembered what Sam had told her about Deeks wanting to push her away when he really didn't want to, and his advice to stay calm and not let him get to her. It might be easier said than done. "Let me feed Monty and take him for a quick walk and I will come back. We will talk. Really talk."

"Hmm, that coming from someone who doesn't like to talk. Okay, do that. I'll be here waiting." He stood up gingerly and walked to the bathroom leaving her to feed Monty. He hadn't come out before Kensi had put Monty's collar on and left.


	14. Chapter 14

***Thank you to all the wonderful reviews being sent to me each chapter. Special mention to ****justareader07 for your time in sending your thoughts. Hope you don't mind me mentioning you, but you've helped me greatly without my asking. And Tinkerbella7 for your undying support. I hope this continues to entertain all the readers.***

Chapter 14

While Kensi was gone Deeks tried his hardest to collect his thoughts, becoming more stressed with each passing minute. It really pained him to feel like this, because he knew Kensi was suffering too. She had demons of her own that she was dealing with after the months she had been away overseas. He didn't know how hard that had been for her or what she'd seen. He had never been in a combat zone prior to her rescue mission . His life consisted of the streets of LA, not a war torn country on the other side of the world and he had no idea how it would affect Kensi, who already had enough of her own issues without adding more to them. And then to find out Jack had been a terrorist, the man she had once been engaged to was her target in her classified mission. It had to be eating her up inside, causing her all kinds of grief and questions. Yet he seemed to be the one suffering the most. He knew it stemmed from what had happened to him a few short months ago and it hadn't been resolved properly back then. Was Kensi suffering a similar thing that he had. And why couldn't he help her like she had helped him?

He wanted to throw something. Surely it would make him feel better to let off some steam. He couldn't see anything he felt comfortable throwing without regretting it and he also knew, in his state of pain, it would be a pretty stupid thing to try. That only frustrated him more. He swiped his hand down his face and scratched his beard. How or why had his life turned so upside down?

He stood and walked to the kitchen, deciding to make some coffee for the two of them. By the time Kensi turned the lock in the door and walked in, two steaming cups of coffee were sitting on the coffee table. Deeks hadn't even touched his, so deep in his misery that he was merely going through the motions.

When Kensi returned, she unclipped Monty and he ran to his bed, turned a number of circles before flopping down and promptly falling asleep. He was content now and Deeks envied his doggy life where the biggest problem in his head was when he was next fed and when he could next chase the seagulls again. So he had a dog version of PTSD. He seemed to be coping with his problem just fine.

Kensi walked over to Deeks and sat down next to him, noticing the coffee on the table. She ignored it and looked up directly at Deeks bracing herself for what was to come. While she had been out with Monty she had called Sam for reassurance that she was doing the right thing. It had been one of the reasons Sam had visited earlier, to see what stage Deeks was at and he was happy to advise Kensi on what steps to take and to stay with him no matter how much he pushed. He had also reminded her that she also needed TLC and if she needed him at any time, even just for a little break from Deeks, he would be there in a flash. Sam was indeed becoming invaluable to her for advice and comfort, something she would be forever grateful for. Sam told her he would do anything for them both, that they are both special to him. It humbled Kensi to hear him speaking like this and she knew with Sam, and also Callen looking out for them, they would work out okay.

Deeks didn't postpone the discussion with any pleasantries, preferring to plough straight into their talk. They had no contact between them on the lounge, sitting as far as possible from each other. He just turned on the lounge to look at her and began. He had to make her realise how he felt before he got lost in his darkness. It was funny how he had no other words for that time in his life... this time in his life. Just darkness.

"You know I still love you right? You know I'll always love you, you mean the world to me," he told her, baring his heart to her again. He was always doing it, but now he needed to get it out there. If she rejected him he would just have to find a way to cope, add it to everything else he was dealing with.

"I um…. I didn't….. I wasn't... I wasn't sure anymore," Kensi stammered.

And then he began, getting all his thoughts out, looking seriously at Kensi as he spoke, with passion and determination. "I do love you. I can't turn off the love I felt for you. The love I feel for you." He paused, trying to get his emotions in check and his thoughts in order. "All that time ago, on the hilltop, I let you know how I felt. I opened myself up to you and showed you what I was feeling, hoping that you would tell me you felt the same way, praying you wouldn't reject me." He stopped and took a breath but held up his hand to stop her saying anything. "Hear me out," he said as he noticed her attempt to speak. "You rejecting me, it's the one thing that had stopped me from showing you, or telling you how I really felt sooner. I didn't know, if you rejected me, where did that leave us." His eyes looked pained as he looked at her to see if she was following what he was saying. He didn't see confusion in her eyes, she knew what he meant and all he saw was sorrow, maybe some regret. "You asked me, Kensi, you asked me to tell you what I was feeling, to communicate, so I took the chance and kissed you, showing you what you meant to me, what I felt about you. I showed you that you were more to me than just my partner. You were everything to me." Again he stopped to let what he had said be understood.

"Then. You had to leave. I get that. You had to. And….. events….. got in the way. You left me there and you left me in that body shop. I get that too. You had to do it, you had no choice, but my mind didn't accept that action so easily. It kept screaming at me that you'd left me at their mercy even if I knew you had no choice. On the hillside, in the body shop and the hospital." He heard Kensi gasp softly at his harsh words but he couldn't stop now. This had been building up inside him for so long now. He hated having to say it, but he needed to say it. He tried to temper his words down some. He wasn't trying to attack or punish Kensi, he was just trying to tell her what he was feeling. How, no matter how irrational it sounded, it was the way his mind was working.

"I told you afterwards, in the bullpen, what you did for me, how you got me through the pain. You and only you saved my life that day Kensi. If not for you, I would have given up. But for weeks after that you refused to acknowledge that I had shown you what I was feeling. How I felt about you. For weeks I waited for you to tell me something. You asked me to tell you and then when I did, you left me hanging. You had more than once to tell me what you felt. From your silence all I could feel was rejection. You rejected my love for you." Kensi's face dropped as she listened to him speak. She knew everything he was saying was true and tears began to sting her eyes.

"And then, just when we start to communicate, when we shared that amazing night of love and passion, both of us together, knowing finally that you felt the same way about me, you were gone again. And again, I get it, it wasn't your fault. Something or someone was conspiring against us. I missed you like crazy, but my mind again wandered and when you are alone and in my frame of mind, with nothing to do but think, crazy things go on inside here that make you doubt everything, especially with something as emotional as love.

"I know Jack was once important to you. How could I not know that? But when you chose Jack over me, you broke me. Kens, you have no idea, NO idea, how that made me feel, how much it hurt. I didn't care if I ever came out of that cave again. I could have gotten lost in there and perished, I didn't care. I just didn't care," he repeated with a far off look. It took a while for him to snap out of that trance and Kensi knew he wasn't finished yet. She still had more to hear from him and she steeled herself.

Deeks blinked and looked back at Kensi who was now watching him closely. "You were the one who I trusted with my life," he almost whispered. All the fight had left him now and tears threatened to spill from the corners of his eyes. "And in one moment in that cave that trust died." He stopped talking again, his mind drifting to thoughts deep and dark, to the time he was in that cave, not caring if he came out of there alive or not. He shook his head returning to now and looked at Kensi. She faltered under his gaze and looked away. He lifted her gaze to meet his with a finger under her chin. "I still love you Kensi, more than anything, but it's going to take a lot of work and time to get things back the way they were. I so badly want it, but it's not as easy as that. I wish it was. I want us back again."

He stopped talking then and Kensi knew he was waiting on her to talk to him, explain what she could explain, though she didn't think she could do this justice. All the things he had said to her were true and she felt ashamed that she had acted that way. Crushed that he thought she didn't care about him, when nothing could be further from the truth. He was her world. It may have taken her a long time to see, no, a long time to admit, but she did care deeply for him. She wiped away the tears that were rolling down her cheeks and looked at him intensely. "Deeks, I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am, for everything. I can't imagine how I can show you how much you mean to me. My only reason for waiting so long, for not telling you is that I felt vulnerable too." She huffed out a breath… "Great combination we are hey!" Looking back at him she took a calming breath before continuing.

"I was scared Deeks. I have felt the same way about you for a long time. Longer than the time you kissed me on that hilltop. Much longer. I think you knew, but you always gave me space, time, to work myself out. But I was scared. One reason, the same as you mentioned, and the main reason, what if it didn't work out? Our partnership meant too much to me and it would suffer and I couldn't bear the thought of losing you. What if you didn't feel like that about me."

Deeks cut in to her speech. "Come on Kens, you knew how I felt about you. I pretty much told you nearly every day." He reached to touch her then thought better of it, letting her continue.

"What if it was only a passing attraction?" The look Deeks sent her struck down that theory. They both knew it was more than a passing attraction and had been for a long time. "Okay, I know. I know how you felt, but I was still scared. I thought someone else had felt that way about me once before too remember."

The mere reference to Jack made Deeks send her a murderous look. She tried to shake it off but the intense hatred in his eyes towards Jack was evident. So she moved on. "I can't explain why I felt so scared but I know why I am scared now."

"Why?" Deeks asked simply.

"I am scared now because it's possible I could still lose you, have already lost you? I don't know what I would do if I ever lost you Deeks. As a Partner, a friend, a boyfriend and anything else for that matter." She tried to gauge his reaction and saw his features soften. "I am so sorry I broke our trust. I will do everything in my power to build up that trust again, earn your forgiveness and have you with me always."

"Kens…" She holds up her hand to stop him. It's her turn now and she tells him with a warning look turning into determination.

"I am going to do everything in my power to help you get through this Deeks. I will be by your side every step of the way and don't even think about pushing me away because I am not going. I want to help you. You didn't let me last time and it's obvious you didn't recover like we thought you had. This time you can't push me."

"I don't want to push you away Kens. I want you here, I want you with me. It's all I ever wanted, having you by my side always. But it's going to be tough. It's not going to be smooth sailing and I don't know if I want to put you through that. I can't promise you anything."

"Its okay Deeks. I'm tough, I can take it. I once asked you to be patient with me, now it's my turn to be patient with you. And when the end result will be us, happy, together and on the same page, I am willing to do whatever it takes. It will be worth it." She looked up at him and moved closer. "I love you Deeks. I really do. I missed you so much."

It is the first time she has said the words to him and he felt a sudden powerful rush of love go through him. He moved closer to her on the lounge, bringing the distance between them much closer. Both his hands came up to cradle her face and he leaned down to her, brushing his lips softly to hers savouring the feel of her lips on his. "I love you too Kensi, more than you'll ever know."

He pulled her closer and one of his hands curled back to cradle her neck, tangling his fingers in her hair as his lips crushed against hers longingly. There is none of the anger that had been inside him only a short time ago. Now there was just love and longing, for Kensi, for them. Kensi moaned softly, fuelling his desire as she kissed him back wrapping her arms around his waist, careful not to hurt his ribs. His breathing seemed to be a secondary need to him at that moment as he felt one of Kensi's arms sliding up to his neck and into his hair. Damn it felt good to be kissing her again.

Just having her in his arms, almost made him feel normal again, a similar feeling to last time. He wouldn't make the mistake of thinking this made things right in his life. This time he would get to the bottom of everything, with as much help as he needed. As he kissed Kensi he thought all he needed was her. All he wanted was her love and he soaked up the feeling of longing and love he was feeling. But he knew it would take more than that. Slowly he pulled away from her, hating that he felt like he had to.

One look at Kensi's face as he moved back, full of passion and desire and he almost surrendered himself to her again. But he sat back a fraction, his hand still cupping her face softly. Who was he kidding? He wanted her.

He groaned aloud, knowing it would be a mistake to take things further, no matter how much either one of them wanted it. Deeks said he couldn't promise Kensi anything yet and that was the truth, but with the look they shared, she could see the promise he was making to her in his eyes. The unspoken promise to each other as they gazed into each other's eyes hung in the room. They always could communicate with just their eyes. It was all they needed at that moment. They both knew where they stood, both having bared their feelings to one another. It would take a lot of effort to fix things, but with help and each other, they would manage it.

Deeks sat back and pulled Kensi gently into his arms, holding her hand loosely in his. His ribs ached but he didn't mind. They had taken the first step in repairing their relationship and while it would still take a lot of work, talking to each other and getting their thoughts heard, had been therapeutic. Together they would work through the nightmares of their lives.

The next step was Hetty. They had to overcome their feelings about Hetty and the best way to do that was to ask her to explain everything about the Afghanistan case. Together they decided they would go and see her tomorrow.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

Deeks woke the next morning lying on his back on his usual side of the bed, but he knew something was different. He opened his eyes and realised right away what it was and he smiled. Kensi lay on her side beside him, sound asleep. A respectable space lay between them but Deeks was sure if his ribs hadn't been injured he might have closed that space and been holding Kensi in his arms. He wondered if this sudden craving for close contact was a step in his recovery. It could have been. Or it could simply be that Kensi was there beside him. He reached over and touched her hand and smiled as her fingers curled around his loosely. He wondered if she was awake, but he was pretty sure she was still sleeping soundly.

They had stayed up late talking, the conversation turning to the everyday in their lives. Monty, cooking, the beach, surfing, cronuts, donuts, Kensi's favourite twinkies, catching up on Top Model, anything and everything except any topic to do with work and overseas missions. It was like the topic of anything work related had been silently marked as taboo, and they had connected again at an everyday level. He felt it was something he needed to do, and was pretty sure it was good for Kensi too.

Kensi wasn't leaving him that night so the logical thing for her to do was share his bed. He wasn't capable of sleeping on the lounge with his injuries, and he didn't want her to sleep there. They had shared a bed platonically before, so this would be no different. Lucky for him, their conversation the night before had left him emotionally drained so sleep came easy.

Now, in the light of day as the bright morning light peeked through his windows, he did feel as if a layer of his darkness had been peeled away. He was still not close to being cured, but progress had been made. It was hard to work out in his mind and just because he was feeling happy and at ease, he didn't believe everything would be rosy from now on and life would move on effortlessly. He had made that mistake once before and he wasn't going to make it again. He had thought he was over the PTSD, and it only took one moment to have him sliding headlong into the darkness again. He had to work through it this time, no matter how long it took and or how painful it became. He guessed that would be a job for Nate because he didn't know how to do this alone. And Nate knew how important Kensi was in his life. The sooner he began seeing him, he felt sure it would mean the sooner he and Kensi could return to normal. If he were totally honest with himself, he knew he would be with Kensi through the whole progress because she was who he wanted to be with most. Trust between them would return, he was almost confident of it.

Deeks didn't try to kid himself that things would happen in their day to day life that would set him back and set them back as a couple. He didn't want to anticipate those things. But he felt better this morning than he had since the morning after Kensi had been taken away. He took a couple of calming breaths, realising he may be rushing things in his mind. It wasn't fair to either of them to rush anything between them. Take it slowly, he thought to himself. No running before you can walk. He remembered back to Kensi's speech of the Frozen Lake and realised it was perfect to describe their situation right now.

He rolled over to get out of bed, and winced with pain. He had forgotten his ribs and the pain caught him unaware. More quick breaths to work through the pain and slowly he sat up. He touched his cheek and winced slightly at the pain that he felt there. It might take a little longer to heal this time, a constant reminder of the events of his past, and the most recent event.

Kensi didn't move, and she was the one who had to get to work this morning. He had a few days off and was in no hurry to get back. But they had made plans to talk to Hetty this morning, first thing. The thought of his boss filled him with anger again, but they had discussed last night, before their work talk boycott, that it would be in everyone's best interest to keep their anger at bay. Neither of them wanted to jeopardise their position in the team, especially Deeks who could be sent back to LAPD. That was the last thing he wanted now. He imagined his PTSD being even worse if he were away from his 'NCIS family'.

"Sunshine, it's time to wake up," he said turning carefully to reach out to her shoulder and give her a shake.

All he got was a moan from the other side of the bed and he smiled, a quick burst of contentment flowing through him.

"Kensi, you have to get up. You have to get to work this morning."

"Still tired," she mumbled into the pillow.

He smiled to himself. This was the Kensi he remembered from before and he worried this was all happening too fast. His smile faltered when he remembered back to that time in his life and the night she had visited him with food and a cronut, and he had finally got some sleep, everyone, including him, thought he was cured, when clearly he hadn't been. Ironically he had slept the best he had in a long time last night too and was feeling refreshed. It felt different now, yet still he was wary. He realised, there had been no nightmares. Did that mean one would be due again tonight?

"Come on Fern. I'll make some breakfast. Surely you are hungry by now."

At the word breakfast, Kensi's eyes opened.

"I thought that might get your attention," he laughed and swatted her butt playfully through the sheets, making her yelp. "Get ready while I start on some breakfast."

"You don't have to cook for me Deeks," she said looking up at him. "I should be cooking for you. You are the one who was injured." At the disbelieving look on his face she frowned sternly. "I can cook now, remember."

Deeks laughed at her. He assured her he was okay to cook some breakfast and left her to get ready for work. She came out 20 minutes later towel drying her hair just as Deeks was putting the breakfast on the table. Deeks was overcome with the feeling that this felt so very normal, and wished his life was as easy as this. He could easily slip back into this style of life. How easy it would be. He could ignore everything else and just have his girl back. Yet he knew this time, if he didn't address his problems, the next time it came crashing down on him, it could be disastrous for everyone. Next time he may never be able to come back.

Deeks walked into OSP with Kensi an hour later feeling somewhat anxious. They were early, Callen and Sam not at their desks yet, but a quick glance at Hetty's desk confirmed she was here. He didn't know what to feel. Anger yes, he had felt that for a while, but there was something else. Apprehension at what they were about to do, to confront their leader, their boss, and accuse her of all sorts of things, both personal and professional. He still wasn't comfortable with that, and he knew Kensi wasn't either. But they needed answers. Surely she owed them both that much.

Together they walked to Hetty's desk, Deeks guiding Kensi with a gentle hand on the small of her back. She didn't flinch at the gesture, leaning closer to him for what he could only think was comfort and courage. She possessed loads of courage normally, but today, she was in need of some help. Help he was willing to give.

Hetty sat behind her desk and saw her two junior agents walking towards her. She prepared herself for the onslaught that she expected to come. She had felt their feelings for her ever since the day she had sent Kensi away, and in all honesty, she understood their ire. She understood it, but wouldn't tolerate it. Still, she agreed she needed to explain things to them or they would never trust her again, and in this line of work, trust was imperative.

Whether either of them could trust after what she was about to tell them was another matter.

"Mr Deeks. Miss Blye. Would you like a cup of tea?" she offered as she poured herself a cup.

"No thank you," they both said politely. There was no point in getting on her bad side from the start.

"Mr Deeks, you aren't meant to be at work today."

"Just here for a short while." He looked at her and she nodded, her lips pursed in a fine line as she contemplated Kensi and Deeks in front of her. She knew why they were there.

"May I begin by telling you both that I understand your feelings towards me for what you had been put through over the last few months. I'd like to explain but I need to begin with the two of you. Neither of you have been on top of your game when it mattered. That day when you were instructed to secure the thumb drive, neither one of you acted in a very professional manner."

"Oh please," Deeks began, anger rising. He took a quick breath to calm himself. "Surely you could understand that things were new to us then, our emotions were raw and fresh. By the end of the day, we had started to work things out," he said, knowing that wasn't entirely true because Kensi had broken protocol late that day. "We hadn't had a chance to show what we could do, how we could overcome our emotions. We hadn't had a chance to talk things over.

Deeks realised after speaking he was admitting to Hetty that he and Kensi had furthered their relationship. Like she didn't know anyway, so he continued. "I finally felt whole again that day, knowing I could have had everything I've always wanted. And less than a day later you take her away from me." He took Kensi's hand in is under the table and looked at her, smiling softly. "You took her away and my world came crashing down again. I did the best I possibly could but you put Kensi in danger and with it my sanity. Her being captured nearly tipped me over the edge. And we all know what happened next."

"That may or may not be true, but it does not excuse your actions on the day in question. You must always be on top of your game no matter what is going on. Lives often depend on it, including your own. However you have excelled while Miss Blye was away. Your emotions were in check even though you were missing her. Whether you were masking them or not, you always did your job impeccably. I have been pleased with your work standards. Mr Callen has been full of praise towards you in the work you have done, both with him and with the many different partners you have had while Miss Blye has been absent."

Deeks nodded at her words, waiting for her to continue. Her commending his work hadn't been expected. She took a sip of her tea, looking as if she were steeling herself for the next bit to come.

"It saddened me to see that you," she fought for the right words, "lost the plot shall we say, two nights ago while on your latest mission. I didn't give you a chance to prove me wrong about your first transgression, and I regret that, but this mission you had been on for over a week and again emotions got in the way, and you almost got yourself killed Mr Deeks."

"And why was that? Why do you think my emotions were so catastrophic?" Deeks asked her in exasperation. "Don't you think that would have been because of that mission you had sent Kensi away on? What I was forced to do?" He wanted to mention his unresolved PTSD but thought that might be a mistake, might give her a reason to dismiss him from NCIS. "You know what happened in that cave, you knew we were both suffering emotionally, during and after that mission. This hasn't been a true test of our abilities to work as more than partners. Both, transgressions, as you put it, were when we were both feeling highly emotional and vulnerable, at a time when we hadn't had a chance to work out those emotions."

He took another calming breath, knowing he wasn't coming across the way he wanted to. "We can't just turn emotions on and off like a tap. We needed a little time to work things out." Deeks said to Hetty, still keeping himself in check, never raising his voice. Deeks knew the second emotional outburst from him, just two days ago came after a week on the case, but he still believed it stemmed from the mission in the cave. No, it stemmed from the fact that he had never recovered fully from the repercussions of the Sidarov case.

He watched Hetty watching him closely, and as usual he couldn't begin to guess what she was thinking. She masked her emotions so he didn't know if she was agreeing with him or he was giving her every reason to get rid of him. He knew there was a reason she had recruited him to NCIS, and he hoped whatever that reason was, it was strong enough to get him through this and she would continue to want him working here.

He continued, taking a new line of questioning. "Hetty, was any of this because of us?" He said waving his hand between he and Kensi. "I asked you once before if you were punishing us."

"My sending Kensi away? No. Your actions had nothing to do with that. I may have separated you temporarily while you sorted yourselves out if Kensi had stayed, but I always wanted you to remain partners. You work well together," She looked over her fingers now steepled in front of her mouth like she so often did and Deeks could not read her expression still. "You have always complimented one another. You two, you were always destined to be more than partners. I knew it, everyone knew it and I was happy to keep you together at work. You have the potential to work even better together now." Deeks noticed the motherly smirk on her face yet at that moment he chose to ignore it. Whether they were more than partners or not wasn't up for debate at this time.

"Then why was Kensi so imperative to the case? Why did you send her away?" Kensi had sat still and quiet during the entire exchange so far, but now Deeks had asked the question he felt her tense, waiting for the answer. Subconsciously, he pulled her hand into his lap, holding it securely, silently indicating he was giving her the support she needed.

At that point he noticed a glimmer of concern on Hetty's face and he frowned. She didn't usually show her feelings like that. She looked directly at Deeks. "You will be there for your partner?" she asked him and Deeks immediately went on alert but he nodded to her. Even if she had asked him that when they were in the middle of their last case, when he had felt such anger at Kensi and the world, he would still be there for her if she needed him.

"Of course I will," he answered her, and subconsciously moved closer to Kensi.

Hetty took a breath and let it out dramatically. It was almost as if it was to settle herself, and steel herself for what she knew was going to come. "Please, let me tell you this, without interruption." Kensi raised an eyebrow and they both nodded. They couldn't imagine what was about to come. Deeks had spent many hours wondering what it could have been that made it so important for Kensi to go and he and Sam discussed it often.

"Kensi, your father worked in Afghanistan as you know." Kensi nodded. At the mention of her father she tensed and Deeks thought she was going to run. Her breathing became unsteady. "He was in the Special Forces and he was working with the CIA."

"My Dad was in the CIA?" It was the first time Kensi had spoken and Deeks recognised her voice as the vulnerable one, the one that caught as she spoke.

"No, he was working with them. Much like Mr Deeks is working with us from LAPD." Kensi nodded her understanding yet Deeks could tell she didn't accept that. He wished he knew what was going on inside her head. He wished he could use their silent communication talent to tell her he was here for her and would support her. They may not have been getting along the best lately, but he would be here for her.

"Your father, his last case with the CIA had been to track what we knew as the White Ghost."

Kensi frowned. Her father couldn't have been tracking Jack. He would have been too young. "My father was hunting Jack?"

"I know what you are thinking, but let me continue. Your father was tracking the White Ghost up until the time of his death. White Ghost was becoming extremely unstable. He would bomb innocent targets, command his army to perform atrocities on people, villages, acts that were unspeakable, made worse because he was because he was ill and going mad. His illness was impairing his judgement and not long before your father died, his troop killed the White Ghost."

Kensi looked at Hetty with confusion. White Ghost was killed? Then who did Deeks kill? Was Jack innocent all along? Did Deeks kill an innocent man? Her ex fiancé? She looked at Deeks with wide eyes and he knew what she was thinking. He squeezed her hand again but this time she pulled hers away. Deeks closed his eyes and sighed. This was going to set them back again. He could feel his heart plummeting.

Hetty continued. "It's not what you think," she said as she noticed Kensi's demeanour towards Deeks change. "Unknown to us, White Ghost had a son who was working with his father and he took over his father's persona on his death. He became the new White Ghost, but we were unaware of this until recently. He had lain low, building a new army of followers before showing his hand again."

Kensi was shaking her head, trying to put together what Hetty was telling them. It wasn't making any sense.

"You are aware that Assistant Director Granger knew your father." Kensi nodded. "He worked with your father before he died and was fully aware of White Ghost. Being your father's case was the reason we insisted you continue the work he had begun. We had no idea about your personal connection at the time."

"But why didn't you tell me that?"

"I couldn't, it was classified. We learnt about White Ghost and his new followers the day you were sent away. We had no idea it was Jack Simon until after you returned, after Mr Deeks had killed him." That made both Kensi and Deeks flinch. "That was when all the pieces of the puzzle fit together. That was when the burden of what I had done weighed me down so heavily. When I realised you may never forgive me, but I hoped you would."

She took a deep breath before continuing, the bombshell about to be unloaded. "Miss Blye, please listen to me. Please know we knew none of what I am about to tell you until you returned from your mission. Not even while you were overseas did we know this piece of information I am about to tell you." She waited for Kensi's acknowledgement. "Jack was…. undercover as the White Ghost when he was with you. He had joined the CIA with no one knowing his full identity and had worked to get close to you to see if you could provide him with any intel on your father. His time with you, the whole time, had been a lie."

Kensi frowned at this news and Deeks knew instinctively that she would need him at that moment.

"What?" she asked, confusion marring her face. "So what are you saying? My time with Jack was all undercover, the whole relationship, the engagement was a lie?"

"I'm afraid so. Not officially undercover according to the CIA. He was undercover for his own purposes," Hetty said slowly. "That is why he left you so suddenly."

"And you didn't know about it?"

Hetty shook her head slowly, trying to reach out to place her hand on top of Kensi's free one. Kensi flinched and pulled her hand back and instinctively reached for Deeks' hand again. Her taking his hand reassured Deeks. He had worried she had been pulling away from him, that he was losing her again. She looked wildly at him, looking like she wanted him to tell her this was all a dream that she would soon wake up from. He wished he could do that for her. He wished he could take this all away. They thought the Afghanistan mission had done all the damage it could have already and now there was this.

"No, no no no, that's not possible. My dad didn't know Jack, He was already dead when I met Jack,"

"Apparently he did know your father Kensi, but we didn't know this. He met you a few years after your father died. You weren't to know. I'm sorry Kensi. Nobody knew of this development."

"I don't believe it." She stood, dropping Deeks' hand and moving away. "I trusted him. I thought he loved me and the whole time it was a lie. I was an undercover operation."

"I'm sorry Kensi. It's all in the file."

"I've see the file," Kensi squealed. Deeks blinked. He didn't know anything about a file. Was that how Kensi had believed he had done the right thing?

"That part was redacted from what Nate had been given. He was only sent the minimum of information to help you see the truth." Deeks was unaware of this too.

"Kensi," Hetty said quietly, but Kensi heard her. "It was never my intention to put you in danger. For the team to have to go over to Afghanistan to rescue you, and it was never my intention to put you through so much trauma. I never expected the team to have to go over there. And Mr Deeks, it was never my intention to have you perform the task you eventually had to." Deeks could see the anguish in his boss's face and he believed her.

"I would do it all over again to save Kensi," Deeks said to her. "Whether you meant it or not, I would do anything to protect her." That comment could have repercussions. It could jeopardise his position in the team, at NCIS, but it was the truth.

At that point, Kensi stood. She looked at Hetty but did not say a word. She didn't have to, Hetty heard her loud and clear. Then she spoke, bitterness obvious in her voice. "How am I ever to know who is lying or telling the truth again. How will I ever be able to trust anyone again? How do I know my whole life and everyone in it isn't a lie?"

With those words, Deeks' heart fell. Did she mean him? Would she ever trust him again? Could he rebuild the trust he had in her? Would they ever be able to build something between them that really meant something?

Kensi turned and ran out of Hetty's office, towards the door leading outside. Deeks knew he wouldn't be able to run after her at any pace, but he was sure she would wait for him. He felt the anxiety that was associated with PTSD beginning to build as he stood in front of Hetty's desk, and he took some calming breaths that Nate had shown him how to use. It wasn't working very well and he started to pace slowly, gathering his thoughts before speaking to Hetty. He wanted to tell her how he felt, to scream and shout at her for ruining his life, for ruining Kensi's life. If they hadn't sent her there, to do the job, if they hadn't needed to rescue her, if they had only been able to explore their thing without interruption, things would have been so different today, so incredibly normal, considering what he compared it to. He was angry but he couldn't express his rage. He knew if he would it could jeopardise everything. So calmly he spoke, trying to put as much accusation into his tone as he could.

"This whole unfortunate case may have ruined the only good thing I ever had in my life."

With those words echoing between then, he turned and walked out.


	16. Chapter 16

**This chapter turned out much longer than I expected, especially after struggling with it. Thanks to everyone for the encouragement, you know who you are. And the reviews are awesome, thank you, thank you. You humble me and make me smile.**

* * *

**Chapter 16**

Deeks needed to find Kensi. He didn't think she would have gone any further than the car park, maybe sitting in the car waiting for him. He was reliant on her to go back home seeing he wasn't allowed to drive yet, or think he could drive. He got as far as their desks when he saw Callen standing by his desk and he looked up as he noticed him. "Deeks, I didn't think you were coming in today."

"I'm not supposed to be. Look I can't stop and talk, I need to find Kensi."

"She just left. I saw her drive away." Callen said, clearly confused by what was going on. Kensi hadn't stopped to even say hello to him, and he thought she was staying with Deeks, not bringing him here and leaving.

"She left?" Deeks asked, his eyes wide with surprise.

"Just now. I called her but she didn't answer me." He looked at Deeks with a frown. "Did you do something to her?"

"No man. I didn't." he answered and glanced in Hetty's direction.

"I think I understand." Callen looked sympathetically at Deeks. He knew Hetty had planned on explaining the whole Afghanistan mission and all the consequences and knew it would have repercussions. The look on Deeks' face told him it hadn't gone well.

"You have no idea. Listen, would you be able to drive me home. I'm not allowed and Kensi drove me in today." Deeks was frustrated, but also very worried about Kensi. He felt his anxiety levels rising and began pacing the few short paces of the length of their desks.

"Sure Deeks. Listen, settle down. Getting worked up about this is not going to help you here. We'll find Kensi and go from there. If we can't find her, we'll get Eric onto it, to find her via her GPS."

"Actually, we could swing by Kensi's place first. If that's okay."

"Of course it is. Come on, let's go and find her."

Normally not a man of many words, once they got in the car, Callen was full of questions for Deeks. He asked about how he was, how bad his ribs were, how long he was off work. Deeks rattled off the expected replies while sitting in the car wishing he just get out and walk. He felt agitated and irritated. Being cooped up in a car and being interrogated were not helping matters.

"How are things with you and Kensi?" Callen asked, snapping Deeks out of his agitation.

He clamped his teeth shut together so tight it made the ache in his jaw that sometimes resurfaced, spike to a painful level. He relaxed his jaw and looked over at Callen trying to decipher what line of questioning Callen was taking. Was he accusing Deeks or was he being sympathetic and helpful? The concerned look on Callen's face convinced Deeks that he had his, and also Kensi's best interest at heart.

"Things have been better, but we both want to work it out. We want things back the way they were before she went away. But now…." His voice trailed off.

"Now?" Callen prompted.

Deeks wasn't sure if he was permitted to say anything, but then figured Callen had been read into this classified mission as much as he had for their rescue of Kensi, so there was no reason he shouldn't be allowed to know the details. If Hetty had told him as freely as she had, it would be information Callen could have privy to as well. Nevertheless he hesitated.

"I am read in on the mission Deeks. Anything about it I can find out myself." Callen had guessed Deeks hesitation.

Yet still Deeks hesitated. This was about Kensi and her private life. Would she want Callen to know the details they had just been told? He wasn't sure so he kept it all very generic. "Hetty just told us about Jack, and why she sent Kensi over to Afghanistan."

"And why was that Deeks? What made Hetty send Kensi over there, to kill her ex fiancé? Hetty said she would reveal the reason, but we've heard nothing yet."

When he worded the question like that, anger built up again. "Why indeed? No Callen, she sent Kensi to finish off her father's work. Personally, I think that's still not a good enough reason to send her out there, alone with little to no back up. She barely had any information and we all know Granger is no damn help. He is more of a hindrance than anything."

Deeks looked at Callen when they stopped at a red light. "There's more to it Callen, but its personal stuff. Stuff I think Kensi should tell you if she wants to, but just let me say, it's massive. Its going to knock her trust for six and she may never get over this."

Callen thought for a long while before he spoke again. "Deeks, if anyone can help Kensi, it's you. Same as she is the only one who can help you." Deeks nodded when he said that, knowing it was true. He needed Kensi even if he knew it was going to take time for trust to be strong again. "It's not going to be easy, but you have to be there for each other." He stopped the car outside Kensi's place and they knew without looking that she wasn't there. Callen left the motor running when he looked at Deeks and spoke again. "I know you are suffering from your PTSD again." Deeks motioned to argue with Callen but he cut him off. "Don't deny it Deeks. I was already suspicious after we got back from Afghanistan, and lets just say you have every right to expect it to have come back after that operation. I'm not judging you Deeks. I know you've seen Nate and you are working on it. But it surfaced again on the last mission and this time it almost got you killed." Again Deeks couldn't deny it. "You both have to work through this. I can't have either one of you in this state. From what you've told me about Kensi, she will be just as fragile as you are."

Deeks looked away from Callen, out the window towards Kensi's front door. He knew all the ways into the house, having not so long ago staked it out to see if he could find her, to talk to her, on their return to the States. He tried to ignore Callen's comment but he knew he couldn't dispute what he was saying.

"Look Deeks, I am not judging your partnership. I don't want you two to have to go, but I need you there in the right frame of mind, and until that time, trust me, Sam and I will do whatever we can to help you both. We should have done more last time, for you, and it's something I have regretted ever since. We won't give up on either of you without a fight. "

Deeks felt uncomfortable listening to Callen talking like that. While it was comforting to know he would be there to help, it was also embarrassing to think Callen was aware of his weakness. And that was the way Deeks felt about what was happening to him. He felt weak that he couldn't just put everything behind him and continue on with life as he had before the darkness entered his world. No matter how much anyone would tell him otherwise, that was how he felt.

It was obvious Kensi wasn't at her home so Callen drove Deeks to many of the places he thought she may escape to in a time of the turmoil she would be feeling, but in the end it was pointless. Deeks' ribs were aching and he was clueless as to where Kensi would be so he asked Callen to take him home. He thanked him for trying to help him and after another heartfelt offer of help and support through this difficult time, Callen was gone, leaving Deeks alone with his fear and worry.

Once inside, Deeks began thinking, his mind working overtime wondering where on earth Kensi could be. She'd turned her phone off meaning Eric couldn't help him find her. She didn't want to be found and at first he was worried. She could be anywhere. Again he paced, across his living room. After hearing news like she had today he didn't know where her mind would be taking her. Her trust in everything in her life would now be shattered. He wondered how much in her life she would believe was true. Surely she still trusted him! He had done nothing to betray her trust in him but would she be thinking that way. She had trusted Jack all those years ago and it had turned out to be a lie. But dammit, he would never do that to her and she should know that.

His worry about her was quickly turning to anger. How could she not believe in him even after what she had learnt today? Was that the reason she had run? Did she think that everything he had told her was a lie too? He had never given her a reason to doubt him. Just because Jack had done that to her, didn't mean he had too. Or anyone else in her life for that matter. One bad apple didn't spoil the whole bunch. Why didn't she talk to him instead of running away? How could she not trust him? Why would she treat him like this?

Deeks picked up an empty glass that sat on the coffee table and threw it with force across the room, the glass shattering on impact with the wall. Monty yelped and ran towards him, laying his head on Deeks' lap almost as if trying to calm him. It worked to an extent, Deeks reaching down to pat his dog on the head and urging him up on to the lounge to lay with him.

Deeks knew Kensi hadn't trusted him when he had killed Jack. As much as he had been devastated by her reaction, she had now come to terms with what had happened. Or had this latest piece of news make her doubt him again? How was he ever going to convince her if that was what she thought?

He thought back to Hetty and what she had told them. He genuinely believed Hetty had not known Kensi's target was Jack. Her whole demeanour as she had told them both the mission report and why and how everything had come about, had been honest. She was truly sorry for the way it turned out, truly remorseful when she told Kensi about Jack. She hadn't known about his CIA status or his undercover position. And Hetty had not known that Jack, Kensi's former fiancé, was the White Ghost. Deeks firmly believed that and he felt some remorse about how he had felt about her. Hetty had seemed to be a broken soul.

But would Kensi believe it? Would she ever be able to forgive Hetty for using her in such a personal mission? Deeks still didn't understand why it was so important for Kensi to finish her dad's assignment. Why was that so imperative to Hetty? And what part did Granger play in all of this? Had something happened over there that would make Kensi doubt him too? He realised he wasn't even aware of what had happened before they had gone on their rescue mission. Why had Kensi been captured? Why was she in the cave with Jack in the first place? Had Granger screwed up?

Was everything she had experienced in her life up till now going to be doubted by her? He tried to put himself in her position. If he had loved someone as much as she had, and it hurt him to think of Kensi being in love with someone else, how would he feel? There was someone he loved as much. He loved Kensi. If he found out Kensi had lied to him all through their partnership, he knew he would be devastated. Put like that, he could understand the reason for Kensi to be doubting things. But not him. Why would she doubt him?

Aside from the cave incident, Deeks had never given Kensi a reason to doubt him. That she had doubted him then still pained him, but it was a fact that would remain. And the reason for her doubt then was Jack, who was now the reason that she would doubt his trust. This was all giving him a headache.

Deeks was so wrapped up in his feelings ping ponging from worry to anger and back again, he missed lunch and dinner was simply a salad he found in the fridge that he barely took a few bites of. He wasn't hungry, and this reminded him of when Kensi first came back and he ate very little, the thought of food turning his stomach.

He sat on the lounge with Monty that evening, his mind numb. He didn't want to think about it yet it was all he could think about. The hours past slowly. He felt the same way he did way back when Hetty visited him before he had returned to work, not knowing what to do or what to think. His mind began playing tricks on him again and he had to physically shake dark thoughts away.

Eventually he fell asleep and as he had expected, with emotions running high in his head, it was the night to begin dreaming, a dream that quickly escalated into a nightmare.

* * *

Kensi had reacted to Hetty's information the way Kensi always did. She ran. She ran and then she drove, to no particular place, she just ran. She drove for over an hour, her head a mess filled with conflicting thoughts and memories. She reached a particularly deserted beachside parking lot and pulled her car in and found a spot to stop. She left her car and walked along the beach, still not knowing what she was doing. The wind, which began as a gentle breeze that morning, had begun to get stronger, but Kensi didn't notice or care. She kept walking until she suddenly stopped and sat on the edge of the beach where the grass met the sand. That's when things became even crazier in her head.

Nine years ago. Nine years ago she had been engaged to a lie. She closed her eyes to try and remember, to try and recall any clue that she could have picked up on that it had all been a lie. But there was nothing. Not even an inkling that Jack had been fake. She wondered if that had even been his name, maybe he was someone else. He had been kind and attentive. A loving boyfriend who had quickly become the love of her life. Had she fallen headlong into love simply with the idea of love? With the idea that someone had needed and wanted her? Should she have been more careful? Heaven knows she was now. She rarely let anyone into her life now.

It had been a whirlwind romance before Jack was sent away, but she always felt he would be back. Once he was back, she remembered, he was different. So was that an act too? Had she poured her love, her heart and soul, into trying to help him when he was perfectly fine and just playing on her emotions? A sob broke out from her as she realised what a fool she had been. How she had so easily been manipulated by one person. Her life had been something that Jack had played with and then tossed away. And it had turned her into the person with impenetrable walls that she wouldn't let anyone into.

Even in the cave in Afghanistan he had not revealed his true identity to her, his true intention all those years ago. Not that he would have in that situation. He was once again playing her, getting as much information from her as he could. She shook her head and buried it in her hands. She had taken his word, after nine years of lies, over everything everyone she knew and trusted told her. She had been such a fool, believing everything he had told her.

How could she ever believe anything anyone ever told her again? She was always going to question everything from now on. She would never believe what anyone said to her. How could she, especially in the job she was in which thrived on lies and deception. Hetty, Sam, Callen, Granger, Deeks.

And then she pictured Deeks. A sigh escaped and a small smile played on her lips as she thought of his smile and how he made her laugh. How he made her feel. He would never do this to her would he? She wouldn't believe he would. But how would she know? How will she ever know who was telling the truth and who wasn't.

She tried to compare Jack to Deeks and realised they were polar opposites when it came to their relationship. Jack had rushed their friendship and then engagement and Kensi had believed she was in love, and he loved her. Deeks on the other hand, had nurtured their friendship over the years of their partnership, never rushing her, always caring about her. He'd been patient and considerate of her feelings to the extreme and always stood back when she needed him to, without her even saying anything to him, he just knew. Jack was serious and intense. Deeks was fun loving and gentle. Deeks had waited, waited so long even she had wondered if a relationship was what he wanted. And then he had chosen the perfect moment to cement their thing. And when he had, he had been nothing but kind and loving, passionate and gentle, considerate and giving. He loved her. She knew that without him even saying it. And she loved him.

She thought back to the evening she had finally got to see him weeks after his torture. He hadn't wanted to let her in, but she had come with food and beer and forced her way in. He looked a wreck, not getting any sleep, and his apartment was no better. But with her there, he had opened up, and eventually, as she spoke to him, he fell asleep. In his unconscious state that night, he had admitted to her, that what they shared was a love story. That could not be lied about. That came from his subconscious mind, a place where lying would be near impossible.

Did she think Deeks was lying in their relationship? No, there was no doubt in her mind that he was honest and true with her. She trusted Deeks but she knew there would always be a question in the back of her mind, thanks to Jack. There would always been that gnawing doubt that she worried would always come between them. Maybe not now, but later, at some point in her life when she least expected it. She wanted it gone. Jack had done so much damage to her mind and soul, she knew she would need help to overcome that obstacle.

Nate. She thought of Nate. But right now, it was Deeks she needed.

She looked up and noticed for the first time that the sky had turned dark. It wasn't that late yet and the sun should still be out, but the clouds had blown in from the ocean and looked ominous. The wind whipped her hair around her face and she gathered it up and tied it back. She wasn't sure how far she had walked, but she stood and began to walk quickly back to her car. She hadn't gone far when the first big fat raindrops began to fall and before long she was drenched. She looked around. There was no shelter so all she could do was continue on. The ocean looked angry with the waves crashing onto the beach. It probably suited the mood she was in when she arrived, but now she felt lighter, enough to keep her going towards her car, her aim to get to Deeks.

Her heart lurched as she thought for the first time how he might be feeling right now. Her eyes watered instantly when she realised she had left him after promising she would stay by his side through all this, no matter what. She would be there for him through his darkness. And at the first sign of a problem, she had run away, broken that promise she had made only a day earlier. Would he even want her back after this? Would she ever be able to explain why she had left?

Teardrops mingled with raindrops as she hurried along the beach. How long had she walked when she had got here? How far had she gone? The long walk, in the storm that was brewing felt like a punishment for how she had treated Deeks. But dammit, surely he would understand, after the news she had been given.

Finally her car came into sight through the gloom of the heavy rain she was walking through. Shivering fingers unlocked the car and she slid into the seat of the car after finding a towel in her go bag in the back of the car. She turned the car on, cranking the heat up and realised she had no idea where she even was. She turned her GPS back on and set the co-ordinates to Deeks' place and began to drive, following the instructions. Eric was sure to know where she was now, but he would see she was headed back to Deeks. If he was even looking for her. It was a long drive, made slower by the rain that fell. It was unusual weather, but was in keeping with her mood. Usually these storms washed away quickly, leaving a fresh bright morning. Hopefully it meant it would wash away some of her problems by the morning too.

She pulled up outside Deeks' place and felt nervous. Her fingers were still shaking because of the cold but it was more than that. How would Deeks feel about her running again, and now coming back? The nerves building in her stomach to monumental proportions made her feel ill. She turned the car off and sat, looking at the front door.

She frowned when she realised there were no lights on inside. It wasn't late, surely he hadn't gone to bed yet. She reached for her keys and found her key to his front door. She would go inside to see for herself where he was, a feeling of concern taking over. Was he okay? It was still raining and the little her clothes had dried on the drive over were now wet again. It didn't matter, she had a feeling she had to go inside.

She opened the front door and stepped inside the dark room. Immediately she noticed Monty raise his head and watch her, an almost pleading look on the dogs face as he lay on the floor beside him. He looked up at his master then back at Kensi and gave a short bark. Deeks was asleep on the lounge, but it was obvious he was in the middle of a major nightmare. His body twitched and his hands were moving, trying to fight off an invisible attacker. His hair was slick with sweat and his t-shirt clung to him. Breathing was coming erratically and his voice, moaning loudly, with incoherent words in the middle putting Kensi on high alert. She had to wake him from this nightmare, the darkness that overtook his mind in his unconscious state.

She walked over to him and Monty stood and moved back a step or two. "Deeks." She shook his shoulder. "Deeks, please wake up," she said gently touching his shoulder. She barely pulled back fast enough to avoid a blow from his clenched fist and she realised this was going to be more difficult than previous times. She reached over to the light switch and put it on, hoping the light would help him reorientate himself when he did wake.

"Deeks," she called a little louder. She moved to touch him again when she noticed his hands had stilled.

"KENSI!" he screamed in a horrified voice making her jump at the fear she heard laced in the scream. "Kensi!"

She moved closer and pulled him into her arms and whispered in his ear. That seemed to work last time. "Deeks, I'm here. Wake up Deeks, please wake up." His nightmares seemed to change depending on what was happening in his life and he seemed to have moved away from the torture he had suffered to his latest stressor, herself. She felt saddened at that thought and didn't want to know what he was dreaming about, but she did want to be there for him. "Deeks." She tried again.

"Kensi?" his voice was more normal now and she sensed he was waking, slowly.

"It's me Deeks, wake up."

She felt him stiffen and try to sit up. "Kensi? When did you get here?" He was disorientated and wary.

"Just now. Deeks," she hurried on before he could say anything and she hoped he was awake enough to comprehend what she was telling him. "I'm really sorry I left you. I promised I would stay with you and first time something goes wrong I left. I'm really sorry."

Deeks sat up and pulled away from her and Kensi thought she had done too much damage to their relationship. Then he noticed she was wet, almost dripping wet. "Why are you wet?" he asked.

"I got caught in the storm outside," she told him flatly.

"There was a storm outside?"_ 'Theres one in here too._' he thought to himself, completely unaware of what was going on out there. He listened and heard the rain pouring down out there, it was no wonder she was wet.

"Kens, go and have a shower and get warm," he told her. "I'll make you something to eat. You haven't eaten yet?"

She shook her head.

"Go, find some of my clothes to put on. You can't sit here in wet clothes. You'll get sick." Even feeling as uneasy about their situation as he was, he worried about her and didn't want her getting sick.

Kensi got up and did what he suggested and twenty minutes later dressed in a pair if his track pants and a hoodie that was a little too big, she was sitting down to a home made hamburger Deeks had thrown together. He even felt more inclined to eat one himself now that he knew where Kensi was and he didn't have to worry about her. It hit him as strange that they could do all these normal things together yet deep down there was so much turmoil between them.

After dinner they both settled down on the lounge to watch some TV but Deeks really wasn't paying any attention to what Kensi chose to watch. He was still deep in thought about how they were going to fix things between them, because quite truthfully, he wanted this, what they were sharing right now, to be his every day. He wanted Kensi in his life, he wanted to share everything, but most of all he wanted to be rid of the darkness he was constantly in so he could move onto exactly the thing he wanted.

"I'm sorry Deeks," Kensi said out of the blue.

"It's okay Kensi, I understand," he said to her. He ran his hand down his face and let out a big breath of air. He looked up into her eyes and Kensi could see the haunted look in them. "I do understand Kens."

"Do you? Really?" she asked him. Now that she was here with him and their usual lack of communication coming to the surface, she was beginning to doubt herself again.

Deeks turned her around to sit facing him, wincing a little at the pain it caused in his ribs. He kept forgetting about his ribs while he was still and as soon as he moved in the wrong direction, the pain would shoot through him again. Add this to the weakness in character he already felt. He turned carefully to face Kensi and took her hands in his. "Yes Kensi, I do understand." He shook his head to clear his thoughts. "What Hetty told us today was such a shock, to both of us. But more so for you. I did wonder why you ran, why you left me again, but I put myself in your place. If I were to find out our whole partnership, and now more than just a partnership, was a lie, I would be devastated."

Kensi's eyes began to water as she listened to Deeks telling her that he understood. "Do we have more than a partnership now?" she whispered.

"Oh Kens, I hope we do," he said with a weak smile, bringing her fingers up for a brief kiss. "But let me finish. I can understand it. But at the same time, Kensi, it was nine years ago. You let this man affect your life for nine years. Don't you think it's time you let him go? Don't you think it's time to move on with your life and some happiness?"

Kensi blinked. Did he think it would be that easy? She frowned at him and didn't know what to say and the silence between them made Deeks sigh with defeat. If she was going to keep clinging to their past, then what chance did they have for a future.

She saw Deeks' reaction and had to tell him. "No, Deeks, its more than that. It's the whole being lied to and being told the trust that I had was all a deception. I trusted him and I tried to help him and all the time he was pretending. He was laughing at me. I built up walls because of him. How am I to know what else in my life has been a lie. Who else in my life has been pretending to me?"

"You don't think I have been pretending, do you?" Deeks asked, his voice strained. That was the one thing he needed to know, the one truth she had to believe or all of this between them would be for nothing.

Kensi looked at Deeks, deep into his eyes as if she was seeking the right answer in their blue depths. She knew the answer but that gnawing feeling in the back of her mind remained. "I do believe you Deeks, I really do," she said and he let go of the breath he had been holding. "But this trust thing is always going to be there. I trust you, I do, but in general, trust is going to be something I find hard to believe in. I think you are the only thing I trust."

Deeks reached over and ran his fingers through Kensi's hair, stopping to lay his hand on her shoulder. "We'll work it out Kens, we have to. What we had before, it's too special for us to give up on. I'm not going to push it now because it wouldn't be fair on either of us, but we will work it out. We'll get help and we will work it out."

Kensi nodded. Together they would work it out.


End file.
